“You don’t understand!”: how and why men teach women to live

“Mensplaining is a phenomenon in which a man considers himself an expert just because he is a man, and begins to explain the essence of some issues to a woman, even if he does not understand this topic,” says feminist psychologist Maria Sabunaeva. The term was formed from a combination of the English words man (“man”) and explaining (“explanation”).

For the first time, the patronizing and condescending manner of communication between men and women was described by the American writer Rebecca Solnit in 2008. The journalist recalled a case that later became a classic example of mensplaning.

Once at a party, she met a man and began to tell him about her latest book. However, the interlocutor interrupted her and asked if she had heard of a recently published publication on the same topic. Then he launched into a retelling of a work that he had not read, not realizing that he was facing … its author.

The term “mansplaining” came into use later and began to be actively used in feminist circles since the early 2010s.

Why do men think they are smarter than women?

According to the psychologist, the stronger the hierarchy is expressed in a society, the more such phenomena are common in it. For example, in Russia the structure of patriarchy is very strong, so mansplaining is found everywhere. The phenomenon itself is rooted in the features of male and female gender socialization (concepts and values ​​that are considered “correct” for one or another gender in a particular part of society).

“The idea of ​​male intelligence has been cultivated since childhood. Boys are told that they need to demonstrate their mind, knowledge, abilities – this is an indicator of high status, – explains Maria Sabunaeva. “At the same time, women are taught to be soft, accommodating, to agree with men, not to enter into open conflict.”

This frame is maintained on both sides: male and female gender socialization are two pieces of the puzzle. On the one hand, the man tells, on the other, the woman listens and nods.

“Men do not listen to me and meet my words with ridicule…”

25-year-old Tatyana has a higher education in international relations. From school she wanted to be a politician, she read and listened to lectures on history, political science and geopolitics – this has always been her passion. “In recent years, I have never been able to finish talking about politics with men, they never listen to me,” she shares.

According to the girl, for her interlocutors, the everyday, often conspiracy-theoretic understanding of politics was more important than the historical facts and statistics that she cited. One day, a 34-year-old man argued to Tatyana that each country has only one interest in foreign and domestic policy – so that rich and influential people can live to the year 3000.

“I thought he was joking. I talked about how international relations work in principle, about the system of checks and balances, game theory. But he called me stupid, ”the girl emphasizes. The interlocutor rolled his eyes and devalued her knowledge, arguing that since he is older and generally a man, he knows more.

“Every word I said was met with ridicule. I haven’t finished yet, I haven’t voiced an objection, but I already saw that men don’t want to listen to it. They often answer, “You don’t understand,” when I cite iron facts,” Tatyana sums up.

Is there mensplaining among men?

“Mansplaning is part of the structure of patriarchy. Of course, there are vertical interactions both between men and women and within groups of men and groups of women. Therefore, situations are possible when one man can begin to explain something to another with a touch of mensplaining. This will also mean that he demonstrates a dominant position, ”says Maria Sabunayeva.

However, a man will not explain something to another man in the same manner as to a woman. To do this, he must have a higher status: he definitely will not tell a Ph.D. or Elon Musk about spaceships, the expert says.

A condescending manner of communication may also be characteristic of a woman who will explain the question to an interlocutor with a lower status. But such examples are much rarer, and they cannot be called “womensplaining”.

“Naturally, the mechanisms of patriarchy can be reproduced within any group. But the classic version, embedded in male gender socialization, is the scheme of “a man who explains something to a woman.” We will see many more such examples,” Sabunayeva emphasizes.

How can a woman protect herself from mensplaining?

A woman feels dissatisfied when they begin to explain to her what she already knows: dissonance arises and an internal conflict begins, as her time is wasted. According to the psychologist, in a situation of mansplaining, the main task of a woman is to protect herself, but the reaction to a man’s behavior depends on her resources and capabilities.

What can you do if you experience mansplaining? First of all, stop the man. Do not be afraid to offend the interlocutor: you have every right to do so.

• Soft option. Some women find it easier to politely interrupt a man because a harsh response can lead to a conflict they don’t have the strength to deal with. In this case, you should say “Sorry, I need to move away” and stop communicating with the person.
• Neutral option. A woman can tell the interlocutor that she understands this topic and considers herself an expert in it. Another way is to reply that you are not interested in listening to the lecture right now.
• Hard option. If a woman has a resource for confrontation, she can interrupt the interlocutor: “You are engaged in mensplaining. I want you to stop doing this, because you are explaining to me what I know myself. Such a reaction can cause reciprocal aggression and a new round of discussion, but in general it will be useful – primarily for the self-esteem of the woman herself. In addition, her words will support other women who will hear the conversation.

Will mansplaining disappear in the future?

Modern parents invest a lot of effort in the upbringing and education of girls, so they are not ready to endure that their children will be treated as second-class people. As a result, there are more and more girls with high self-esteem who are able to stop the menspleiner, the psychologist explains.

“A generation of women is growing up who no longer want to hear about what they already know. So there is hope that there will be changes,” says Maria Sabunayeva.

You also need to talk about the phenomenon of mansplaining, explaining to other women that they are not obliged to listen to men’s monologues on topics known to them, if they themselves did not ask for it. “When we know the phenomenon and are able to determine it, we can correct it much faster,” the expert concludes.