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You can not imagine the slab that you get rid of when you forgive
Psychology
The sociobiologist Daniel Lumera provides the keys to the therapeutic dimension of forgiveness in the face of popular belief, which relates this concept to religion and sin
Do you remember the last time someone betrayed you, lied to you, hurt you, or offended you? (We open this parenthesis so you can think about it before reading on). And once that moment or circumstance has been drawn in your mind, do you feel that you have forgiven that person? Not with a superficial forgiveness, but with a real one, the kind that soothes, soothes and comforts. Answering this question is more difficult than it seems because, as Daniel Lumera, sociobiologist and founder of the International School of Forgiveness, explains, the act of forgive is usually related to religion or sin and not to a therapeutic dimension, as it defends based on scientific endorsements. «At a biological and mental level, forgiveness acts in areas of the brain that allow the development of empathy and the search for resources to solve problems. It is a social skill but it is also an element of health and an investment in quality of life in the medium and long term ”, he says.
But, in addition, the expert assures that this frequent link between forgiveness and religion is not the only erroneous interpretation that is made about this concept. These are, as he explains, some of the most frequent and that contribute the most to distancing it from its therapeutic dimension:
Forgiving is not “not reacting.”
Some people believe that forgiveness is being indifferent or impassive in the face of that pain or damage. But, as Lumera makes clear, To forgive means to act free from hatred, resentment, and anger.a, that is, to act from a state of clarity, awareness and lucidity.
Forgive is not forget
True forgiveness implies that that person clearly remembers what has happened, but that, as Lumera qualifies, is capable of emptying that memory or that content of the pain that it caused him and thus can receive the teachings that it brought him.
Forgiving is not justifying
We do not have to justify the actions of that person who hurt us to forgive them, because what it is about is to understand and understand the root of the violence, anguish and anger that led that person to hurt us. “Many times these behaviors have their origin in the absence of something or someone,” says Lumera.
Forgiving is not a sign of weakness
The ability to forgive is not something that is connected to weakness but to courage. In fact, it is an act of courage. “If the word courage comes from the Latin ‘cor habeo’ this act of forgiveness implies that one has a heart, that is, one thinks, feels and acts through the heart,” he argues.
But then what is really forgiving? To introduce us to its meaning, Daniel Lumera makes a brief reference to its etymology. Thus, the word forgive comes from Latin, that is, its lexical components are the prefix ‘per’ (‘with intensity’ or ‘completely’) and the word ‘donare’, which means gift, donation or gift, which would lead to think, according to the expert, that forgiving would be “giving completely.”
That “giving completely” would therefore be what makes forgiveness a process of release, integración y understanding to “transform life into a gift.” “This has a great impact on health because it helps to get rid of toxic emotions and thoughts that impact on hormones connected to stress, inflammation processes and even aging”, Lumera emphasizes. In fact, one of the benefits of forgiveness is that it allows regulate emotional diet, displacing thoughts filled with resentment, anger, hatred, frustration, guilt or anxiety and embracing emotions such as empathy, gratitude, kindness, love or happiness. “It allows the mind to focus on the emotional nutrients of prosperity and health and not on the toxic compensation mechanics that work hand in hand with betrayal or abandonment,” he clarifies.
The four phases of forgiveness
Something that should be clarified, however, is that forgiving is not a specific act, nor is it spontaneous, that is, one does not get up in the morning and decide that he has already forgiven someone, but rather requires a process that is divided, such as defines Lumera, in four phases: accusation, responsibility, gratitude and love.
The first phase, that of the accusation, it can be somewhat paradoxical but, as Lumera clarifies, if a person wants to forgive, they have to know how to accuse and bring out the anger, hatred or resentment towards the person who has hurt them (this act can be in front of them or not necessarily in front of her). “To get rid of them we first have to make contact with our shadows,” he proposes.
Then comes the phase of responsibility , which implies the need to assume control and power over our life. This means understanding that it is yourself that generates toxic emotions and that it is actually possible to free yourself from and you can free yourself from them because we do have power over what we think. “It’s a choice,” Lumera insists.
The third phase is the gratitude. This moment not only serves to recognize what we already have in our day to day and in our daily lives and that sometimes we do not value, but also to be aware that feeling gratitude in the face of pain implies that we are able to see that we have developed virtues and capabilities that you did not know. “It is the moment in which I recognize that what has happened has played an important role in my life,” he clarifies.
The last phase of forgiveness is love, but not as a feeling, but as a state of consciousness that brings health to our cognitive and perceptual system.
Is there something unforgivable? And are some people unable to forgive?
«Nothing is unforgivable», Sentence Daniel Lumera, who assures that in their investigations they have come to work with experiences of forgiveness in cases of pedophilia, murder, terminal illnesses or serious crimes:« One of the stories that most impacted me in relation to the ability to forgive was that of a mother who not only forgave her son’s murderer but also requested the possibility of adopting him. When this boy knew that the person who should hate him the most was willing to help him, he cried. It is love that changes a person, not punishment».
But there is also the other case, that of those people who feel such pain that they did not see themselves capable of forgiving and preferred to punish themselves. «They take the poison of rage to punish their enemy but only hurt themselves“Lumera comments. And behind this, as he explains, lies something that is especially hard because some people prefer to continue with a situation or a pain that they know because it somehow gives them a sense of security. «The unknown scares them, they prefer to think that way even though this way they do more harm to themselves. And yes, some people die without forgiveness and nothing can be done if they do not want to do it, “he concludes.