Contents
“You are wrong if you think your partner is responsible for you enjoying sex”
Couple
The psychologist expert in sexology, Silva Sanz, offers in «Sexamor» a practical guide to improve sexual and love life
«There can be sex without love, but not love without sex»… For Silvia Sanz, an expert psychologist in sexology and couples therapy, the word Sexamor, which gives the title to his latest book, is the combination of words that, in his opinion, brings together the essence of couple relationships because, while through love people identify and feel recognized, sex works as the « glue »between them and it is also what allows them to be differentiated from other types of affective relationships.
Throughout her more than 20 years of experience as a psychologist and sex therapist, Sanz has helped hundreds of couples resolve their conflicts so that they enjoy each phase of their love and sexual relationship more fully and balanced. From being single and the desire to have a partner, to maintaining the relationship, coexistence or routine, going through dilemmas such as infidelity, emotional dependence, loss of sexual appetite or even anorgasmia and other sexual dysfunctions … Your experience With «Sexamor» it has been useful to develop a kind of practical guide or formulary that allows us to understand the different states that couples go through and carries the keys to understand, overcome and handle difficulties.
To what extent is everything that the arrival of the pandemic has brought with it (confinement, less social life, uncertainty …) influencing relationships
It could be said that many of the couples who have spent the confinement and they have managed to overcome it together and they already have something like a title won. Spending a lot of time together sharing difficult moments took its toll on many people. Many were generated couple conflicts because the situation was totally new and they did not have other stimuli to assimilate it: you could not get out, you could not release the tension, nor did you have the necessary privacy to comment with other people about what was happening to you. Some it destroyed, others it strengthened as a couple.
And when it comes to talking about sex, is it even more difficult in this context to surprise the partner?
When the routine appears in a couple, it does so in a sinuous way, not suddenly. Little by little, interest in aspects that were attractive at first, such as sex, is gradually lost. And the fact of not going out, spending a lot of time together, not making plans with other people or even the stress that this situation generates, giving rise to monotonous and routine sexual relations, has also contributed to this now.
When you have spent time with your partner and you always make love in the same way, in the same place or even at the same time, it can become something demotivating, although the meeting itself has been wonderful.
Do we lack imagination in sex?
The goal of being in a relationship should be to enrich each other. When you take a active and restless attitude in sex and new formulas are sought to know oneself and the other to satisfy the relationship increases our degree of communication and exchange. Sex is one more way to communicate. We don’t need to make big romantic plans or spectacular trips for a sexual encounter to be satisfying. What we have to do is sharpen our wits.
Only with love does not arouse sexual desire. We must take care of the expression of feelings, say what we like and what we do not like, take time to perceive ourselves and our partner in a sexual way, take care of ourselves and plan activities that can please both of us (they can be at home ), talk about sex, modify the environment and take care of the sexual framework, alternate roles when taking the initiative, enhance the preliminaries, discover the other in other ways … In «Sexamor» it is possible to find 36 practical ideas to enrich a sexual intercourse through games such as “the strangers”, “the visit to the sex shop”, the “wish box” …
But the most important thing is to take responsibility for our own sexual enjoyment. You are wrong when you think that your partner is obliged to make you enjoy yourself. That is our responsibility.
And we must not forget the feeling either. Sex is not about touching magic keys or erotic points. The emotional component is a powerful aphrodisiac.
What exactly does it mean that we have responsibility for our own sexual enjoyment?
Think that sex is in your mind and in your power of concentration. If when you have sex you are thinking about what you have to buy, what a friend has told you or in the report that you have not delivered at work, your partner can already do tricks that you are not going to concentrate on. And if you don’t focus, you don’t enjoy sex. It is something like when you are watching a movie, if you are not focused on seeing it and understanding it, you will not find out about anything. With the senses with sex the same thing happens. If you want to enhance your sexual relationships, it is important to focus both physically and emotionally.
And speaking of concentrating, can one concentrate to “accelerate orgasm”? This, by the way, is one of the most searched concepts about sex on Google
The key to accelerating orgasm lies in the ability to concentrate and also in the self-knowledge. You have to know yourself to focus on what you are feeling and discover your erogenous zones while playing trying to find your partner’s.
We have many erogenous zones, not just the Punto G. There is a point U, a point P, a point A, a point E, a point F … There are a lot of letters of the alphabet that can help to enhance the ecstasy and that are still unknown to many people. And there are also techniques to delay the moment of climax or strengthen the pubococcygeus muscle (the one that contracts during an orgasm). But many times what happens is that if a person is so focused on reaching the climax you lose the way, the process. You have to enjoy the entire sexual encounter because all of it can be very pleasant. The chapter I dedicate to the slox sex and the steps to focus on everything we are feeling (look, breath, touch …).
What are the most frequent mistakes that can lead us not to enjoy sex?
Assuming that each person is a different world, it may be a mistake to believe that if something worked for me with a former partner, it could work for me with the new one. But it is also common for the couple to like it the same as we like it. Many of these mistakes are caused by not daring to talk about what we like to do and what we like to be done. And these conversations are critical to achieving a full and satisfying sex life.
Another mistake is worrying about how they see us or how they perceive us. If we are thinking things like “he is looking at the mole I have in that place”, “he should have done this” or “I am not moving as I think I should” we lose concentration and thus we lose our enjoyment.
Waiting for the other to take the initiative, skipping the preliminaries (although impulsive sex may be okay at a certain point), believing that there is only one erogenous zone, squeezing some overly sensitive areas hard, faking orgasms, or even being over-honest Comparing the act with the one we had with other couples are other mistakes that make enjoyment difficult.
The key is to understand that we are responsible for our own pleasure and talking about what you like and what is not the only way to maintain a healthy and satisfying relationship.
What if we lose the desire?
The sexual crisis is a frequent topic in the consultation. It is usually caused by communication problems or sexual routine. Some say that they love their partners and are even sexually attracted to their partners but cannot find the time to be intimate. And that may be because their encounters are predictable. In an unconscious way relationships are spaced and, although they are pleasant when they occur, they are not very stimulating. That leads to disinterest, indifference, lack of encouragement and lack of tuning. And all that makes other activities are prioritized and sex is left on the shelf.
Other couples, on the other hand, have frequent sexual activity despite having been together for a long time. They enjoy, they desire and they enjoy. But they also ensure that they are committed to maintaining an active attitude to enrich the relationship. Sex is another form of communication and you have to conquer your partner every day.