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Thirteen-year-old Anya began to be bullied by girls from a parallel class, then threats began in social networks. The girl’s mother, teacher Marina Solotova, tells how the conflict was stopped and what parents must teach their child.
The terrible word “bullying” has firmly entered our parental life. And it seems to be nothing new: there have always been stories when teenagers bullied their peers. But with the advent of publicity (the Internet is filled with videos of bullying and fights, the media put such news on the front pages, talk shows also do not pass by), these stories acquired, firstly, a special cynicism, and secondly, they instilled in us, parents , almost animal fear. Quite understandable. And deep down, each of us hopes that his child will not be touched.
I hoped too.
For the sake of clarity of definitions, I will clarify that in our case there was a conflict, not bullying. The difference is that in a conflict, the side being attacked fights back. But in fact, the difference is small and the risks are symmetrical.
Friday night, my thirteen-year-old daughter played soccer as usual. She loves this business, plays well, as a result — there are always a lot of boys around. And this causes irritation of some peers.
This time she coached her team — younger boys, neighbors. Three girls, a year older than me, who had not known their daughter before, waited until the end of the training session, approached Anka and started a conversation. Well, as a conversation: “Are you so stupid ?!”. My baby is a rather determined girl, she knows how to stand up for herself. She replied, «That’s it.»
The girls didn’t like it, and one of them slapped Anka. And in response, she immediately got in the eye. (I got it well, I saw this eye later. Yes, mine does not offend myself. The first one never starts, but it will not miss either). Such a reaction, apparently, was not expected by the trinity, therefore, having quarreled a little more at the level of «the fool herself», they parted. It was pointless to attack her daughter, because the football team was behind her.
On Saturday, the gop-company, headed by the girl Lyuba, again contacted my child. This time, demands were voiced, Anna was offered a choice: 1. She gives the money, so to speak — moral damage 2. Gets on her knees and asks for forgiveness 3. Goes out to a mortal battle, that is, to a fight. All three options were strongly rejected.
On Sunday, the dissatisfied girls again tried to sort things out. But next to them is the same team. Did not work out. In addition, I called Anna home early, because I myself did not feel very well.
And in the evening my sister from Moscow called me and said that my Anka had problems. The daughter turned to her older sister, my niece, for advice. Sasha, at the age of 16, correctly assessed the situation, immediately told everything to her mother — my sister, and she immediately called me.
I found Anna texting Vkontakte. All three girls started writing to her at the same time. With two, she did not have time to enter into a discussion, because she answered the girl Lyuba. The girl Lyuba sent voice messages that made my hair move.
We must pay tribute to mine — and there is not a single obscene word. When it began to go off scale, she wrote that now she would give all this to me and I, mother, would go to the police with this.
When mothers recovered from the first shock, they began to find out who started it first
At 8 am on Monday, I called the director of the school (the girls study in the second building of ours). At 12-00 the director, the social teacher, the head teacher, the parents of all three heroines and I were in the collection. If this had not happened, at 13-00 I would have been at the police station.
I stated the essence and turned on the sound. When the mothers recovered from the first shock, they began to talk about how it would be good to understand who started it first. Of course, I was more worried about how it would end, but if you want, let’s find out.
The girls were invited, led by Lyuba. They called mine. Mine came from another building, so it was delayed. During this time, I explained to the girl Lyuba what my mother can do in such a situation. And how many articles of the Criminal Code, those for which responsibility from the age of 14, she uttered. I told her a big human thank you for what she said, and did not write — in this case, there is no way to say that the page, for example, was hacked.
By the way, Lyubino’s last threatening message came an hour before our meeting, she slandered it when she found out that her parents were being called to school. We also listened with interest.
A special topic is the girls’ parents and their reaction to what happened.
At first, they fell into a stupor, since it was difficult not to fall into it after listening to the messages. Then they started a conversation on the topic “Who started it first”, “What if yours provoked”, “Yours, apparently, is also not an angel”, “Now all teenagers talk like that.” While they were gathering the children, I once again paid attention to how my daughter answered, there was nothing to cover here.
True, they assumed that mine cleaned up her messages (well, how else? They are still like that now!). When the girl Lyuba came, social. The teacher asked if she could check the correspondence from Anya’s phone with her messages. The girl agreed. For parents, it was actually a discovery that not everyone talks like that.
Mom was asked how she reacted to a black eye. Mom said that her daughter explained it by the fall. I would like to see such a targeted fall …
Then there were questions, from which mothers sank more and more: what circles do girls go to? Where exactly is the football field, where do they walk? (Moms don’t know, of course.) What book is the child reading now? When was the last time the family spent a weekend together and how? What is the photo on the child’s profile picture on VKontakte? I asked the mothers to address each other by name (the girls have been friends since grade 1). That is, at this place I just took off my hat to the director. In a minute, she proved to everyone that in families, children are not taken care of at all.
One mother said: “You need to see the good in children!” I replied that I would be happy to watch and ready to hear all the good things that she would now tell about her daughter. She fell silent.
I felt sorry for the girl. I actually felt sorry for them. Because no matter what we say about a cruel and aggressive world, no matter how hard we try to explain to ourselves that the reason for children’s aggression is that we are not like that — life is like that, we must admit: we are like that. Children see and learn the basic patterns of behavior in the family. For some reason, these girls decided that humiliation, extortion, physical violence is the norm, a way to resolve the conflict. I guess why.
The bottom line:
1. Girls got on the internal school account. This means that now, at the Prevention Council, parents will have to report monthly on what their children are doing, what clubs they go to, what books they read, and so on.
2. The school reports the incident to the department of guardianship and to the police. Families are waiting for serious checks. Possibly fines. The girl Lyuba was warned by me that, in case of a relapse, I would go with a statement to the police.
How to teach your child to resist bullying
And now my thoughts on this subject, after time.
1. I sincerely advise you to talk about the possibility of such situations with children. Explain the danger. Suggest that their first action in case of threats is to inform their parents about it.
It’s the most important! I understood why Anka did not ask for help from me. Four days before, I had been whining about how I wasn’t feeling well. And why load the mother, who is already so bad?! Explain to the children that the illnesses and troubles of their parents are not a reason not to share their troubles! That in a situation of danger, only an adult can make the right, balanced decision.
There are other reasons why children hesitate to ask their parents for help. If you deny a child elementary help where he can’t cope, for the reason “you’re already big, handle it yourself,” he is unlikely to be able to assess the situation in terms of danger and the need for adult help. He will remember: you have to cope on your own.
I’m talking about the notorious shoelaces that we refuse to tie. About the stories with the selected toys: — «Go and get it, you’re already big.» About conflicts with teachers: «This is your problem, you brewed it yourself, and you can sort it out yourself.» Etc. The child, like “Our Father”, should know: if you can’t cope, it’s difficult — go to your parents! This does not mean that in any, even everyday situation, mom and dad are obliged to immediately jump up and do something for the child. Help is different. Advice, clear instructions, training — but she, help, should be! Otherwise we risk. We take a big risk.
2. Children in the struggle for justice (as it seems to them) do not see the difference between sorting things out according to the law and “according to concepts” and more often choose the latter. And here the risk of a smooth and unobtrusive transition of the victim into the aggressor is great.
A week ago, a story appeared on one of the social networks of the mother of an 11-year-old boy who tried to restore justice on his own. His friend, during a walk, snatched a freshly bought bottle of Coca-Cola from the guy’s hands and poured it on the floor. The injured party, quite understandably, began to demand a refund in the amount of 97 USD. I repeat, the issue price is 97 USD.
For 3 days the boy reminded his comrade that it would be nice to give money back for what the comrade spoiled. And on the fourth day, the mother of a friend wrote a statement to the police, in which she accused the boy of extortion. Yes, 97 c.u.e. Yes, there were no fights and threats, everything was at the level of talking “Give me back the money for the spoiled Coca-Cola”. Yes, 11 years old. And yes, in fact — extortion. And it is possible that the guy will be registered with the PDN. Because I decided that I could do it myself …
3. Children may be afraid of being seen as weak. It is important to explain that the most precious thing they have is life and health. You can change public opinion. You can find another company where you will be treated well. And health (mental including) can not always be restored. It is important to explain that asking for help from those who are stronger, smarter and more experienced is not a sign of weakness, but, on the contrary, maturity.
4. Children may be afraid that “it will get worse” — this is what the aggressors threaten by warning the victim not to complain. It is important to explain that it will be worse if he is left alone with those who are stronger. What wins the law. That there is always someone who is stronger than the offenders, and there is justice for every aggressor. That once they start and feel impunity, the aggressors will not stop. That mom and dad are people who know a way out of any situation and will definitely make it better, because they are stronger than offenders.
5. It is necessary to outline the circle of people to whom you can turn for help if for some reason you cannot do this with your parents. Older brothers and sisters, older children of girlfriends whom your children have known since childhood, a coach in the sports section, and so on. Any ADULT person the child can trust.
6. Convince the child that in any case it is necessary to act according to the law, and not according to concepts. Those who act according to the law always win.
7. Explain to children that responsibility for such actions will inevitably come. If not 14, it will be carried by the parents. To suggest that such actions are punishable!
8. Explain to children that anything that enters the network can be used against them. In our case, Anya had nothing to present precisely because she never allowed herself to respond in kind. Regarding the black eye, I immediately suggested continuing the conversation with the police if the opposite side has a claim. Clear. that there were no complaints.
And more importantly! A serious argument from our side was a screen from Lyuba’s VK page with the text: “Dear Lenochka and Karinochka! Today I proved that you are always for you, even if you are boiling!” (spelling preserved). It immediately became clear who «first started».
9. If a threat situation arises, immediately take action to eliminate it! At that very moment! You can’t wait for it to go away on its own. You can’t think that “they are children, they will figure it out themselves.” You can not talk to other children in the absence of legal representatives. You do not have the task of raising someone else’s child, you have the task of protecting your own!
10. It is undesirable to talk with legal representatives without witnesses. Once again I was convinced of this, the support of the social pedagogue and director in our case was powerful. The social educator began by handing out leaflets with printed extracts from the Family Code, the Constitution, the Law on Education, etc. to everyone. It’s all about parental responsibility. She asked very smart questions. She popularly explained to parents and children the consequences of all such actions, and so on.
This is just the top. Our situation was resolved quickly and without consequences for my child. It happens worse. Wisdom and patience to all of us!