If we often get offended, desperately need praise, and put off serious issues until later, this means that we are acting childishly. And this approach can lead to problems in communication, career growth and family relationships. How to understand that we are faced with a similar problem, and learn to behave differently?
The number of years we have lived does not equal our psychological age: a person can stay in the state of a child until old age. Here is a life example of «childish behavior». The husband is cheating, the wife knows about it, but she wants to get pregnant and give birth, so that he eventually chooses a family. This is the child’s belief in miracles.
Where is our child?
Now let’s look at the structure of the psyche of an adult. To do this, imagine a classic snowman, consisting of three parts, where the bottom ball is the largest, and the top one is the smallest. Normally, the upper part of this «snowman» is the inner child, the middle one is the inner parent, and the lower (main) part is the inner adult.
A person with such a structure of the psyche in difficult situations relies on the main part, that is, he reacts from the state of an adult. He takes responsibility and thinks about how to solve the problem without unnecessary emotions. At work, he does not expect praise and does not take offense at the boss. Instead, he adequately assesses working conditions, thinks about development and refuses to work overtime for «thank you».
But it happens the other way around: the adult part of the psyche is located in the smallest part of the «snowman», that is, it occupies the upper ball. Then we see an adult who is constantly offended by people, tolerates the violation of his own boundaries and violates others, because it’s not a child’s business to think about boundaries. Infantile behavior includes overeating and cakes at night, eternal promises to go on a diet, postponing going to the doctor, and so on.
How to make the inner adult your foundation? It is quite possible to grow up psychologically. To do this, you need to carefully monitor your emotional state. As a result, you can learn to move into an adult state in difficult and stressful situations. The ball of «adulthood» in the construction of the psyche will gradually increase. And the larger it is, the easier it is to turn to it and move on to a state of calm, confidence and maintain control over the situation.
Inner Parent: Concern or Criticism?
In addition to the inner child and the inner adult, in the structure of our psyche there is an inner parent, on whose behavior our emotional state and psychological maturity also depend. At the same time, the inner parent can both take care of us and criticize us. When he takes a critical position, this is expressed in eternal dissatisfaction with himself and self-flagellation.
Note that a critical parent is also needed. For example, for a restaurant or literary critic, this part of the personality brings real benefits in their work.
How the inner parent is formed
At an early age, the child reads the behavior pattern of his parents, and the subconscious mind stores it as a pattern of actions for life. Such a template cannot be erased from the subconscious, but it is quite possible to create a new one.
If a child grew up with eternally critical parents, and then faced a caring behavior model (for example, in the person of a teacher or boss at work), then a new internal “caring parent” can form in him, who protects, rather than criticizes. A psychologist during therapy can also become a new «prototype» of a caring parent.
How the Inner Adult and Parent Work
The state of the inner parent manifests itself when you need to protect yourself in different life situations. Probably, this has happened to everyone: they will get rude to us, and we leave, barely holding back tears from resentment. At this moment, our inner child cries. And the critical parent adds: “Well, you’re always not like people.”
A person who has developed a part of a caring parent will defend his rights, not allowing the thought that something is wrong with him. And then, when the protection function is completed, the internal adult will replace the internal parent. He will assess and analyze the situation, plan further actions and set goals.
For example, a conflict with a boss at work should also be lived from the state of an adult who finds out the cause of the conflict and copes with the situation. And here are two options for the incorrect distribution of «leading roles» in the same situation:
- Get into the state of a parent: start arguing, swearing with the boss, defending yourself with all your might.
- To fall into the inner child, to fall into a stupor, to be unable to collect and make arguments. So a two-year-old child cannot solve an issue with an angry mother in an adult way.
How to work on mental maturity
The first step on the path to psychological maturity should be awareness, understanding what exactly prevented it from forming in your case. The psychological maturation of the personality at some stage slowed down, did not happen naturally, and therefore it needs to be initiated now. It’s not your fault, and it’s not a shame.
Then you should learn to consciously live emotions every day. Practical tip: Start keeping a diary of your emotions and write down every day how you felt in a given situation. Analyze, answer your own questions: from which part of the psyche did I react? And from what was it necessary?
This is the road to psychological maturity.
As a parting word
To change your life for the better, knowledge of theory alone is not enough. You can easily see children’s reactions in other adults, but not in yourself. And in order to grow up psychologically, you need time and targeted, thoughtful work on yourself.
Once you start journaling and notice your emotions, don’t stop. Then you will notice changes. It is active actions that are important, because our children do not grow up only because they read a book about adulthood.