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You live in constant tension and do not know how to say no. Or too shy. Partner dependent. Or maybe you are worried about the overexcited state of a child who refuses to go to school. The Adlerian approach helps to deal with various problems, including depression and anxiety disorders. Why is he interesting? First of all, optimism.
Who decides what our life will be like? Only ourselves! answers the Adlerian approach. Its founder, the Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler (1870–1937), spoke of the fact that everyone has a unique lifestyle that is influenced not so much by family, environment, innate characteristics, but by our “free creative power.” This means that each person transforms, interprets what happens to him – that is, he truly creates his life. And in the end, it is not the event itself that acquires meaning, but the meaning that we attach to it. A life style develops early, by the age of 6-8 years.
(Don’t) fantasize about it
“Children are excellent observers, but poor interpreters,” said the American psychologist Rudolph D. Dreikurs, who developed Adler’s ideas in the middle of the last century. This seems to be the source of our problems. The child carefully observes what is happening around, but does not always make correct conclusions.
“Having survived the divorce of their parents, even children from the same family can come to completely different conclusions,” explains psychologist Marina Chibisova. – One child will decide: there is nothing to love me for, and I am to blame for the fact that my parents divorced. Another will notice: Relationships sometimes end, and that’s okay and not my fault. And the third will conclude: you need to fight and do so that they always reckon with me and do not leave me. And everyone goes further in life with their own conviction.
There are many more influences than individual, even strong-sounding, parental words.
Some installations are quite constructive. “One of my students said that in her childhood she came to the conclusion: “I am beautiful, and everyone admires me,” the psychologist continues. Where did she get it from? The reason is not that a loving father or a stranger told her about it. The Adlerian approach denies a direct connection between what parents say and do and the decisions the child makes. And thus relieves parents of the colossal burden of personal responsibility for the psychological difficulties of the child.
There are many more influences than individual, even strong-sounding, parental words. But when attitudes become a hindrance, do not allow you to effectively solve life problems, there is a reason to turn to a psychologist.
Remember all
Individual work with a client in the Adlerian approach begins with an analysis of lifestyle and a search for erroneous beliefs. “Having made a holistic view of them, the psychotherapist offers the client his interpretation, showing how this belief system has developed and what can be done about it,” explains Marina Chibisova. — For example, my client Victoria always expects the worst. She needs to foresee any little thing, and if she allows herself to relax, then something in life will certainly be disturbed.
To analyze life style, we turn to early memories. So, Victoria remembered how she was swinging on the swing on the first day of school holidays. She was happy and made many plans for this week. Then she fell, broke her arm and spent a whole month in a cast. This memory helped me to realize the mindset that she would definitely “fall off the swing” if she allowed herself to be distracted and enjoy herself.”
To understand that your picture of the world is not an objective reality, and your childish conclusion, which actually has an alternative, can be difficult. For some, 5-10 meetings are enough, while others need six months or more, depending on the depth of the problem, the severity of the history and the desired changes.
Catch yourself
In the next step, the client learns to observe himself. The Adlerians have a term – “catching yourself” (catching yourself). The task is to notice the moment when an erroneous belief interferes with your actions. For example, Victoria tracked situations when there was a feeling that she would “fall off the swing” again. Together with the therapist, she analyzed them and came to a new conclusion for herself: in general, events can develop in different ways, and it is not necessary to fall off the swing, most often she manages to calmly get up and move on.
So the client critically rethinks children’s conclusions and chooses a different interpretation, more adult. And then learns to act based on it. For example, Victoria learned to relax and allocate a certain amount of money to spend it on herself with pleasure, without fear that “she will fly for it.”
“Realizing that there are many possible behaviors for him, the client learns to act more effectively,” concludes Marina Chibisova.
Between plus and minus
From Adler’s point of view, the basis of human behavior is always a certain goal that determines its movement in life. This goal is “fictitious”, that is, based not on common sense, but on emotional, “personal” logic: for example, one should always strive to be the best. And here we recall the concept with which Adler’s theory is primarily associated – the feeling of inferiority.
The experience of inferiority is characteristic of each of us, Adler believed. Everyone is faced with the fact that they don’t know how / don’t have something, or that others do something better. From this feeling is born the desire to overcome and succeed. The question is what exactly do we perceive as our inferiority, as a minus, and where, to what plus will we move? It is this main vector of our movement that underlies the lifestyle.
In fact, this is our answer to the question: what should I strive for? What will give me a sense of complete integrity, meaning? For one plus – to make sure that you are not noticed. For others, it is the taste of victory. For the third – a feeling of complete control. But what is perceived as a plus is not always really useful in life. The Adlerian approach helps to acquire greater freedom of movement.
Learn more
You can get acquainted with the ideas of Adlerian psychology at one of the schools that are annually organized by The International Committee of Adler Summer Schools and Institutes (ICASSI). The next, 53rd Annual Summer School will be held in Minsk in July 2020. Read more at .
Looking for the right target
In working with children who experience relationship or behavioral difficulties and their parents, the Adlerian psychologist explores the child’s misguided goals.
“I will ask the parents how the child behaves, how he reacts to the comments of adults,” explains psychologist Marina Chibisova. – I will try to understand how parents respond to the actions of the child. For example, he says: “No one is friends with me.” Does mom feel sorry for him or is she angry? Having received the answers, I will understand what the child’s goal is.”
Each of us, according to Adler’s theory, seeks to take his own special (does not mean – the first) place in the group (in the family, team). If a child feels successful, he tends to do something useful for others. If not, then the interest in cooperation is replaced by an attempt to confirm their social significance.
The Adlerian psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs describes the four “misguided goals” of the child.
To attract attention. A child can decide that he is important only when everyone notices him. And he will do his best to seek attention.
Fight for supremacy. He thinks: “I am significant only when I am the strongest and no one can command me.” His goal is to be stronger than others in any situation, including adults.
Revenge. He thinks: “I cannot be loved. And since no one needs me, I will take revenge and hurt others.
Showing your weakness. When a child thinks: “I am weak and useless, I can do nothing,” his behavior will be aimed at avoiding failure. He tries to convince adults that he is good for nothing, so that less demands are placed on him.
“Having understood these erroneous goals, we, together with parents, will try to direct the child towards socially useful and at the same time personally healthy goals,” continues Marina Chibisova. “In parallel, we will help parents themselves find ways to respond to their child’s behavior in a new way so that the whole family becomes happier in the end. For example, encourage (not praise!), involve the child in finding solutions, develop a sense of responsibility in him, and, finally, involve all family members in discussing problems. It is difficult to master all this from the first time, we train these skills from meeting to meeting.”
Over time, parents themselves will be able to recognize what goal the child is pursuing. And also in a new way to behave in familiar situations. As a result, the behavior of the child, and the feeling of the parents themselves, and relationships within the family will change.
About expert
Marina Chibisova – Adlerian psychologist, associate professor at Moscow State Pedagogical University, editor-in-chief of the School Psychologist magazine.