“You are dramatizing”: why men and women do not understand each other’s feelings

Stress and oxytocin

Stress at the level of hormones affects men and women differently. In women, a surge in cortisol and adrenaline leads to the production of oxytocin, which is responsible for love, trust, and affection. Therefore, in a state of stress, a woman’s level of empathy increases – it is important for her not to be alone, to communicate with loved ones, to take care of them and feel her in return.

Men also release oxytocin during times of stress, but in much smaller quantities. Because of this, they temporarily become less sensitive and follow a completely different strategy – to meet the “enemy” face to face and solve the problem without intermediaries.

Evolution and talkativeness

The way we deal with stress and how we show emotions has been influenced by two factors: evolution and gender roles in traditional culture.

A male warrior had to remain impassive and not show his fear to the enemy. Excessive emotionality and open demonstration of feelings were physically dangerous. In a situation on the verge of life and death, he also did not have time for lengthy conversations – he had to make decisions quickly and exchange short remarks that prompted specific actions.

The woman – the keeper of the hearth – had a completely different task. It was necessary to maintain social ties in the community, to remain open, emotional, and therefore vulnerable. Her role required constant conversations. The woman was never left alone with danger and received support through communication with loved ones.

It is hard to imagine that a primitive wife would be offended by her husband because, having obtained a mammoth, he sat down in the corner of the cave and refuses to speak heart to heart.

Modern challenges

At first glance, in modern society, where social roles have long been ambiguous, and sometimes even opposite to traditional ones, everything has changed. But on a physiological level, we continue to follow the ancient programs that worked great for our ancestors. And this is where the problems come in.

The support that the woman received from the community is no more. We live a very closed, isolated life, and even relatives and friends do not fulfill this function to the fullest. At the same time, new stereotypes have already formed about relationships in which partners openly share their experiences with each other. Therefore, in a stressful situation, a woman turns to a man for support.

In order to feel relief, the very process of conversation and attention is important to her. But for a man, it looks like a woman makes him responsible for her problems – and he immediately voices the decision or suggests that she not be dramatized. From his point of view, there really may not be a problem. It seems to the woman that he is devaluing the problem and is trying to get rid of unnecessary advice.

The man himself, in order to cope with stress, needs to be alone, calmly think about the problem and find a solution. He withdraws into himself, does not answer questions and almost does not react to anything. A woman who closes in on herself only when something happens, such behavior makes her anxious. She tries to find out what is the matter, stumbles upon irritation and feels offended: after all, she sincerely wanted to help!

It’s time to remember the primitive husband, tired of hunting for a mammoth, and understand that we are not so different from our ancestors.

Learning to speak correctly

To begin with, it is worth keeping in mind how each of us reacts to stress, and not expecting a reaction from a partner that is not natural to him. This will remove a huge amount of unjustified expectations, disappointments and resentment.

But this does not mean that it is not necessary to talk about our needs and the support we want to receive. You can say: “I want you to listen to me and say that you are there and everything will be fine” or “I love you, but I want to stay alone and relax for now.”

The more clearly you formulate the request, the more likely it is that you will receive exactly the help you expect from your partner. And finally, we must not forget that politeness is a universal language understood by everyone. Without exception. Speak on it about your needs, and you will definitely be heard.