To meet “your” person, to create the perfect relationship, to get rid of the need to choose between family or career… our unconscious attitudes often stand in the way of our own well-being. How to change them and let into your life what will make us truly happy? The author of the system for working with the unconscious Daria Trutneva tells.
Each of us has such acquaintances: a smart, charming, beautiful, successful woman, but somehow it doesn’t work out with her personal life. Or a husband – attentive, caring, makes good money, does everything for the family, but there is no love, and life is not a joy. As a result, both suffer.
Often women tend to look for the cause of all troubles in themselves. But is it worth looking for the culprits at all? This is the most unproductive way. As well as an attempt to come to terms with what does not satisfy us in the surrounding reality. Usually our life corresponds to our unconscious desires. Is it possible to change these internal attitudes without making a local revolution and excessive volitional efforts? You can, if you take responsibility and do not plunge into guilt.
Define a problem
First, try to define the ideal, in your opinion, relationship. Have they worked out for you?
1. There are no relationships, but there is a desire to create them.
2. There is love, but there are many claims to the partner.
3. The relationship is not bad, there are no complaints, but you can’t call it real feelings.
Write down the answer: this information is necessary to know in which direction to move. Remember: in our life there is only what we ourselves unconsciously want. Something within us demands that everything be this way, and nothing else. Why? The causes are individual and most often appear in childhood or adolescence.
Hidden from prying eyes, motives are read by others and determine their actions in relation to us.
For example, a woman who is successful in everything except her personal life could well have a negative example of the relationship of her parents or other close people. She had an attitude: the family is pain, quarrels, discord. That is, “everything is fine until the case ends with a wedding.” As soon as she can realize this and stop blaming herself, as soon as she allows a different scenario, the situation will change. The main thing is to understand what is possible. How to do it? Let’s find out in practice.
Determine the direction
It often happens that we are dissatisfied with our lives, but at the same time we do not know what we want. Take a piece of paper and describe in a few sentences your own image of an ideal relationship. Awareness and concretization is an important step in working with unconscious desires. Previous plan:
1. There are no relationships, but there is a desire to create them. Describe the image of the ideal partner, his activities, habits, your joint activities, hobbies.
2. There is love, but there are many claims to the partner. Without analyzing, quickly describe whatever you think is a problem. Then turn the problems into what you think is the ideal option. For example: “My man has a small salary” is a problem. “My man’s income is not less than such and such amount per month” is the desired situation. When the prescribed points are implemented, will your relationship become impeccable? If not, check what else is required for this.
3. The relationship is not bad, there are no complaints, but you can’t call it real feelings. In such a situation, we ask ourselves the question: “why is this happening?” Alas, this question is not effective. It exacerbates the feeling of guilt, but does not solve the problem. Try to formulate it differently: “why do I need the situation in which I find myself?” This approach speaks of a conscious attitude to what is happening, the understanding that unconscious reasons prompt us to such a development of events. “How can I wish myself trouble?” many of us are surprised. Consciously, no. But the unconscious operates according to different rules.
An example from practice: a woman worries that the men she meets do not help her financially, do not give expensive gifts, but “get off” with trifles. When we figured out why she was in such a situation, it turned out that she had an internal attitude: only a woman of easy virtue can accept money or expensive gifts. Our heroine needed such a situation in order not to feel like a kept woman. Without realizing it, she was broadcasting it, pushing away the very possibility.
Often we do not think that motives hidden from prying eyes are read by others and determine their actions towards us. Therefore, the question “Why?” – key. By honestly answering it, we will understand the reason for what is happening. Try it: open the list of problems you describe, and write why it happens to you the way you do, and not the other way. Then go through all the points and write to each why you might need this situation. This will help clarify the situation.
Get rid of guilt
We are responsible for the events that happen to us. But if you do not think that there are unconscious reasons behind them, a feeling of guilt appears. It is completely unconstructive, because it blocks the levers of control of our lives. And it doesn’t matter whether we consider ourselves guilty or shift the blame to others.
If a married woman who dreams of a career fails to realize herself professionally, and because of this, discord arises in the family, she should think: “Why do I need this situation?”. It is quite possible that even in childhood she formed the image of a male monster who restricts freedom, controls every step and dictates with whom to communicate, what to wear, work or not work.
As long as this image is alive in the unconscious, quarrels will not stop. And the “monster” that she unconsciously provokes to certain behavior could become such in the course of their relationship. Children often get sick in such families – this justifies the constant stay of the mother at home, although it does not relieve her of the desire for self-realization. Having understood this, it is worth consciously changing the attitude: after all, there are examples of excellent family relationships, which means that not everything is hopeless.
A change of image will bring to life those circumstances that will allow you to build relationships on completely different principles. It is important to understand that unconscious desires are a force that makes no sense to fight, but which one must learn to control. Only then does awareness enter our inner space, excluding the feeling of guilt in front of ourselves and others.
Understand the principle of synchronicity
Everything in the world is interconnected, and many of our actions are determined by the principle of synchronicity: we unconsciously want what happens to us, and this coincides with the unconscious desire of another person to realize our “wish”.
By learning to understand the causes and change unconscious attitudes, we can take the helm in our own hands.
An example from practice: a woman complained about her husband, who does everything to offend her. This elicited sympathy from those around him. Having sorted out the reasons, we came to the conclusion that she had formed a bunch of “love – pity.” For him, the desire to humiliate his wife evoked a sense of superiority: the ability to point his wife to her place is a sign of strength. The change in her internal attitudes (and the transmission of this by new behavior) affected his attitude, removing the problem.
Form a relationship
In our view, there is a certain image of a man and relations with him, formed on the basis of past experience (our own or others). This image accompanies us throughout life, creating our reality. Unconsciously, we attract just such a partner.
To change attitudes, it is not necessary to spend decades: if you understand the essence of the problem, you can get what you want here and now. Close your eyes and say: “My man.” Describe the image you saw. If at the same time an unpleasant feeling appeared, then the conscious and unconscious representations do not correspond. This happens to most people for whom the problem of building relationships is relevant.
To synchronize these images, compare this description with the one in which you described the portrait of the ideal partner. This will help you see the difference that caused the discomfort. The description that caused the negative feeling characterizes the men you meet on your way, that is, that which projects unconscious images into reality. To transform it by letting ideal relationships into your life, you need to change your attitudes. For example, to untie the concept of “love” from the concept of “limitation” (“suffering”, “pain”), to replace the image of a “monster” with the image of the ideal man you described.
It is worth understanding that for the unconscious there is no concept of “good” or “bad”, but there is a reason that prompted us to want to be in such a situation. By learning to understand the causes and change unconscious attitudes, we can take the helm into our own hands and manage our own lives. This will make it possible not to go with the flow, but to manage the situation, letting ideal relationships into our reality – those that will make us truly happy.
About the Developer
Daria Trutneva – Founder of Super Ego, author of the Master Kit system for working with the unconscious, author of books on increasing income, building harmonious relationships and managing one’s own life.