Why do we sometimes refuse, although we dream of agreeing? Why do we agree when we want to object? What are the benefits and harms of “yes” when you have to answer “no”, and how do these two words help us grow up?
“The two shortest and most ancient words, “yes” and “no,” require the most thought,” argued the mathematician and philosopher Pythagoras (c. 580–495 BC). So, even in ancient times, people thought about the meaning of these two words.
Why sometimes “yes” instead of “no” pleases us, why in other situations it binds us, why do small children seem to deliberately disagree with their parents all the time? We need to learn to refuse and we need to understand when to agree.
Too often we tend to say “yes” even though deep down we want to say “no”. And vice versa, there is a “no” behind which a “yes” is hidden, but one cannot admit it to oneself.
We are faced with choices every day. How to refuse, without feeling remorse, a friend in a hundred euros, knowing that he is in no hurry to repay his debts? How not to go to the birthday of the great-grandmother, who turned 101 years old, when a love date is planned for this day? How can we say “no” to our boss without fearing that he will deprive us of bonuses?
Attachment Panic
In love relationships, our already complex interactions with “yes” and “no” become completely entangled. As in a child’s game, in which one cannot wear black and white and say these two words to the Lady, otherwise we risk angering her.
At the beginning of a relationship, even the innocent question “Let’s go to the movies?” can cause “attachment panic”: what happens if …
- I agree, but I will not get an interview?
- If I don’t agree, how will my rejection affect the relationship I just found?
In 90% of cases, we do what we think the partner wants.
We dream of love that lives where we should have punished – but we didn’t punish, we could catch – but we kept silent, we were guaranteed to win and suddenly stopped in the competitive struggle. After all, loved ones are forgiven (for broken rules and agreements), agree with them (because it is very important) and protect (even if it is not entirely logical and I am frankly wrong (a). That is, they say “yes” where it is not And from these illogical and biased “yes” the soul becomes a little ashamed and very warm…
In the middle of a relationship, we suddenly feel the urge to take care of our own needs more than anyone else’s, and then our panic goes something like this: will he accept my independence? It will not collapse from my desire? He won’t think I’m a bad parent?
And even when the relationship is going to decline (and this, of course, happens) and all decisions are made and the “i” are dotted, the panic still panics: what if I should have been more “yes”? What if another didn’t have enough of my firm “no”?
line of defense
It seems that denial protects us, like a shell, from extraneous influence. We often, without realizing it, begin the phrase with “no” (“no, but I generally agree”), as if denoting the boundary between ourselves and others.
In literature, the “no” of the scribe Bartleby, the hero of the story of the same name by Herman Melville, became famous. “I would rather not (do this or that),” he answered any request from his boss. How else to try to avoid absorption by the Other? In this passive resistance, many authors saw a symbol of a distressed humanity, which is finding it increasingly difficult to survive in a ruthless world.
The word “no” also contains a certain amount of persistence. People who constantly say no are annoying. They cause annoyance. It’s like we’re being pushed back. We wish they were nicer. But the “no” of a fighter and a rebel is admirable. “No, I won’t give up.” “No, do not impose your will on anyone.” This “no” is respectful.
In his Metaphysical Meditations, Descartes tried to negate everything that his teachers taught him, all recognized knowledge. Children between one and a half and two years old and at three years old go through stages of denial – they are intolerable and terrible in their resistance to everything and everyone.
To hear themselves, their needs, they need to build on what is offered. At this time, they learn to assert their own “I”, recognize it and understand their difference from others. And when they learn, they will be able to say yes.
This is the life!
What is our consent based on? Nietzsche’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” describes three stages in the formation of “yes”. First camel – like a beast of burden, which obeys without enthusiasm. This “yes” is based on patience, submission, even cowardice. This is how the one who sees no alternatives agrees: “I can’t leave my partner, I can’t quit my job, because I have children, a mortgage” …
Then comes the lion’s yes. This is how stormy youth is affirmed: “I want!” But she still needs to fight with parents, adults, teachers. If she is offered to independently act according to her desires, then she will not have the courage and she will retreat. Some people stay like that forever and remain teenagers with eternal protest.
And finally, there is the powerful and joyful “yes” of the child. He does not need to argue with anyone to feel that he lives. He is already in harmony with himself, he knows his desires and needs. He is open to everything that seems fair and useful to him. Happy are those who recognize themselves in this child…