Yalom about love

Irvin Yalom:

“Love is often confused with infatuation or obsession. But these are different feelings, and they must be distinguished from each other. I wrote about this in the book “The Cure for Love”*. Such an obsessed lover sees before him not a real person, but someone who will satisfy his needs. For example, it will save him from the fear of death or become a means to combat loneliness. This kind of attraction can be very strong, but it cannot last. It only wants to take and cannot give; it is closed on itself and feeds on itself, and therefore is doomed to self-destruction. Whereas love is a special relationship between people, there is no coercion in it, but a lot of warmth and desire to give to another, to take care of him.

I would like to talk about my marriage to Marilyn. We recently celebrated the 60th anniversary of our life together. And when I think about love, I always think about my wife. We met when she was 14 and I was 15. We both loved to read and became good conversationalists for each other. Our courtship took the form of a discussion of the books we read. Love is a subtle empathy, when you say something, you think about how the other will feel your words. And love is also love for the being of another person and for what this other person becomes. My wife got her doctorate when it was a rare thing for women to do, and I respected and appreciated her for it. And I remember how she spoke in front of the school – in America there is such a ceremony when the best student addresses the rest with a speech … When my grown-up children were asked about their childhood, they said that they did not feel they were the most important in the family. And I agree with this: no matter how much we love our children, for me and Marilyn, the main thing has always been the relationship between us.

Marilyn Yalom:

“I want to note that the priorities in our family life have changed. This is not surprising, because we have been together for more than 60 years, this is a long time. There was a time when Irwin’s career was the most important thing. When we were young, it was accepted that the husband’s career always came first. So my career was in second place. I’m not complaining at all, but I don’t want my efforts to be underestimated.

As for love, it is, first of all, different. Romantic, erotic, child. And I won’t even try to talk about everything at once. As for love between two people, between a man and a woman, it also does not remain the same throughout the entire time they are together. This is impossible, because we ourselves also do not remain the same as we were during our first meeting. So relationships undergo changes, new shades and new ways of expressing feelings appear – this means that relationships live, because everything living is changeable.

But love does not live by itself – it arises between people. To love another means to listen to him, be interested in him, take care of him and be not indifferent to how he lives. I have always felt that Irwin supports me, that he cares about my interests and my work. This also applies to our children. We are often asked how to keep love for a long time – 10, 20, 60 years. I’ll try to give my answer. To keep love for many years, you need to treat each other with interest and respect, and for starters, choose someone who knows how to love. I was very lucky. I met such a person.”

* The original title of the book is Love’s Executioner. Moreover, the psychotherapist calls himself an “executioner” in the sense that he destroys the illusions of his patients, who imagine that they love, and gives them the opportunity to understand how their feeling differs from true love.

In Russian translation by Irvin Yalom “Treatment for love and other psychotherapeutic novels” (Klass, 2012).