Not so long ago, the epithet «ambitious» sounded like a condemnation, but today it is an advantage. Should we strive for new achievements, or is it better to moderate our desires? Answers of the social psychologist Elena Pavlyuchenko.
Psychologies: Is ambition good for us?
Elena Pavlyuchenko: There is little unambiguously good or bad in the world, if you do not take biology. Yes, and here: clean water is good, but if your task is to poison the enemy, then poisoned water will be good. There have always been both ambitious and non-ambitious people. Even within the same culture, we hear both eulogies of ambition and pamphlets. “How wonderful it is to set yourself big goals and achieve them” — and “My God, how sick of careerists who do not think about the eternal at all.”
This is a normal multipolar society. And no matter where the situation swings, no matter what challenge reality throws at us, there are both those who jump on the barricades or shout «Let’s go to the North Pole!» excess consumption. So not one or the other is good or bad. The question is rather in the appropriateness for the environment, for the situation. If you look at the current culture, now it encourages ambition. It is no coincidence that narcissism has been removed from the list of morbid disorders. It has not disappeared, but become the norm, and narcissists are just those who are tuned in to achievements and external evaluation.
But we are not all narcissists. Should others give up great goals?
Not necessary. The point, in fact, is not in the size of the goal, but in different lifestyles: one is tuned mainly to the result, the other to the process. Those with big ambitions tend to be result-oriented and ignore the process and steps in between. If my goal is “I want to become a universal president”, then when I become a mayor of a city or a deputy, it will be of little importance to me, although someone else could be proud of it. But compared to the grandiose goal, these achievements are insignificant.
However, there are those who set a grand goal and at the same time do not neglect the process. Let us remember Mahatma Gandhi: he decided to liberate his native India from British rule without violence — this is a super-grand goal that was considered unattainable. And at the same time, he rejoiced at the small accomplishments on the way to this goal. But still, more often than not, over-ambitions are associated with the depreciation of the process.
There are many stories about how someone made a dream come true, reached an unprecedented level — financial, social — and breaks down, falls into depression.
What happens to the bearers of such ideas?
They often burn out and by the time they achieve what they wanted, they feel devastated. So I’ve arrived at my destination — what do I do now? Life ends at this point, loses its meaning, because it was built on the movement towards the goal, and not on life itself.
There are many stories about how someone made a dream come true, reached an unprecedented level — financial, social — and breaks down, goes crazy, falls into depression, although from the point of view of others he could be happy. And from the point of view of psychology, this is understandable: meaning is lost, and none of us can live without meaning. Therefore, it is better for such heroes to set unattainable goals for themselves. But in general, this is a dangerous state — to measure everything by achievements.
How can we live without giving up achievements, but without losing the meaning of life?
Maintaining a balance between development and being. My teacher, Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov distinguished two modes in which we all exist: the mode of being and the mode of development. For example, a two-year-old boy brings his mother a sand pie. If mom is fine, she says, «Oh, how nice, thanks, I’m glad,» and they both get a kick out of having him! mom! myself! baked a pie. They are in a mode of being, like God who created something, and says «It’s good!», and enjoys the work of his hands.
And if the mother is neurotic, she will skip this stage and immediately say: “The pie can be made more even, let’s smooth it out, stretch it out. Why didn’t you decorate it? And you may wonder why the child suddenly starts crying. Maybe she would even shame him, she wanted well, she wanted to improve what he had done, to teach him. What happened? She switched him by force from the mode of being to the mode of development, not allowing him and herself to enjoy what she had done, to rejoice in it.
That is, the mode of being is preferable?
No, both modes are important. There are different periods of life and challenges of situations when we look at what we can do better, how to capture new territories. But in order for us to feel good and calm, to move forward through life without violence, the mode of being must take up at least half of our life time. Better than three quarters. And the development mode should account for no more than half of the time.
Is this for adults or for kids?
For all. Ideally, we both move forward and have time to notice life, enjoy what has taken place, what we already have. Then we feel stable. The ability to stay in the mode of being allows me to appropriate what I have done, to feel: “I am good, I am doing well” — and on a healthy basis to choose what I want and where to move. And those who are over-ambitious are busy achieving, that is, they are aimed at continuous development, they are unstable and forced to flee, because otherwise they will fall. They often do not believe in themselves, they need to constantly prove to themselves and others: «I’m worth something!»
How to stop this run?
It is almost impossible to do this on your own. Therefore, self-help books only help those who are not severely disturbed. But if I’m an over-ambitious person, and my mom did it, then I read the «Stop and be happy» advice and try to do it — and in the next microsecond I’ll be angry that I’m not happy enough! I should be more happy!
This “evaluation-reproach” loop is imperceptible to the subject himself, but evaluation and dissatisfaction permeate all his actions. He takes any good advice and turns it into a new goad for himself, makes a reproach out of it. Therefore, we need someone who sees this behavior from the outside and can show it to a person without getting involved in the same game, that is, we need a psychotherapist. And at the same time, he demonstrates a different model of behavior that can be quietly adopted from him. Little by little! And if at that moment you wanted to do it faster and better, it means that you have an attitude towards achievement.
The first day off is spent on sleeping off, the second — to do the accumulated business. If there was a third, people might have time to come to their senses and to themselves
But we are urged: “Next! It is better!»…
And I’m concerned about this spurring that has become a cultural norm. By 2020, the WHO estimates that depression will overtake cardiovascular disease as the leading cause of disability. As psychologists, we deal with burnout every day. But the pendulum cannot freeze at one point, the counterculture is already maturing — downshifting, slow life, slow food, moderate consumption, body positivity are gaining momentum. Ten years ago there were first sprouts, and now thick shoots. Like all opposition movements, they are sometimes brought into absurdity, but the opposition to achievement gives rise to hope that after a while a balance will be found.
How did it happen that we got into this social situation, if it is so unprofitable for us?
This is understandable: it helps to sell. It is no coincidence that superheroes are popular. “Buy more, you will have more power”, “go through management school, you will become a successful manager”, “buy a motorcycle, you will become the fastest in the neighborhood”. This is capitalism, its task is to sell more. No one thinks about the health of an individual citizen, nor about where this will lead the planet. But in the end, the situation begins to cause concern, and already at the level of lawmaking, they are trying to introduce restrictions …
Here is the 4 day work week…
Yes, it could do us good. The system in which an employee sacrifices health and time by compiling tablets that, by and large, he himself does not need at all, works only if he is infected with achievementism and cut off from being. We rejoice at an interesting book or putting the child to bed. But after finishing unnecessary reports, you can experience only relief, not joy. After all, they have nothing to do with this person, his needs, his personality.
The first day off is spent on sleeping off, the second — to do the accumulated business. If there was a third, people might have had time to come to their senses and to themselves. Wake up, ground yourself and wonder if it’s time for them to change something.