Many women work as much or even more than men, while after work they take on the preparation of dinner and apologize to their partner if they did not have time for his arrival. They are exhausted, but continue to take over the life. This can be fixed by understanding yourself and talking with a man, says psychologist and blogger Larisa Surkova.
Women succeed in their careers in whatever field they choose, but even with the destruction of the glass ceiling in the outside world within the home, progress is not so clear. According to the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, on average, women spend twice as much time on household chores as men. In Russia, they perform 64,5% of housework, in the UK — 66%, in Italy — 80%, in France — 73%. Why is it sometimes easier for us to do everything ourselves and how to deal with this habit?
1. We are afraid to delegate. The basis of the problem is innate perfectionism, many cannot watch how a man hangs clothes incorrectly or cuts slices of bread that are too thick. Learning to trust another to perform duties is difficult, and a man is also unlikely to want to listen to our instructions.
First, when entrusting a husband with a household chore, we should not forget that he is not obliged to do it the way we do, maybe he will just buy a dishwasher or a washer-dryer and the work will be done just as well.
Even if we decided to give our husband the duty of cleaning this week, while we ourselves went for a walk with friends, we feel guilty
Secondly, remember that he also appreciates cleanliness, order and delicious food, perhaps if you ask him to take over the preparation of dinner without imposing his own recipe, he will do something of his own and pleasantly surprise you. The main thing is to ask directly and let him do it himself.
2. We feel guilty. No matter how hard we try to think according to modern standards, erasing gender stereotypes about the distribution of household responsibilities, we still love our men and want to take care of them. Caring for a man, almost like a child, is part of nature.
Therefore, even if we decided to give our husband “duty” for cleaning this week, while we ourselves went for a walk with friends, we feel guilty. To get rid of it, you can do two things. First, thank my husband for giving us the opportunity to relax, and praise for a good result. We love to be praised, even if it’s something small and everyday.
Secondly, you can discuss options to make life easier for both — buy a robot vacuum cleaner that will do everything by itself, or think about the help of professionals once a week? It’s better to figure out together how to optimize household chores: no one is obliged to wash and wash the floors by hand, cleaning is not such a terrible job.
3. We imitate our parents. If the mother always looked after the father, not letting him get up to pour himself tea, and at the same time felt happy and contented, it will be more difficult for us to reorganize and share responsibilities equally in our own family. After all, a mother is a role model, if we do not act like her, we will “let her down”. Here it is worth taking a closer look and comparing the way of life of ours and our parents — if they are supporters of the gender model “a man works, a woman cooks”, we will have to accept this and build relationships in our own family in a way that is comfortable for us.
This also implies the need to discuss with the husband his ideas about the ideal picture of the family and, in this vein, talk about his willingness to distribute all responsibilities 50 to 50.
4. We are in control. Sometimes we can’t help but keep everything under control — it seems to us that the world will collapse without our attention. This habit may have come into our home life from our work. Even if we do not have subordinates, at work it is extremely important to keep all processes under control, keep lists, and keep time.
A man does not understand why he suddenly has to take on half of the household chores if he has not done this for the previous 20 years
It is worth trying to let go of this rhythm while at home — after all, your man is also an adult, and even if clean dishes run out, there is no food, and the cat sneezes from the amount of dust, in an emergency he will be able to solve everything himself: he will send his wife to a restaurant , quickly run the vacuum cleaner around the room and then join the dinner. It is important not to forget to trust your man and ask him for help.
5. We do not know how to ask correctly. Perhaps, having overcome all of the above points, we still feel that we have not achieved harmony in the distribution of household chores, we have to ask all the time, and the husband does everything without much enthusiasm. Most likely, the reason is that he is not motivated enough. For example, he does not understand why he suddenly has to take on half of the household chores if he has not done this for the previous 20 years. In this case, you can explain to the man what is his benefit, for example, while he is preparing dinner, we select a movie in his favorite genre to watch, or create a romantic atmosphere in the bedroom.
If you think in the longer term, you need to tell a man that thanks to his help we rest more, feel happier and look better, and this is a great motivation.