5 steps from grief to acceptance
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The work of grief according to Kubler-Ross is a model of the process of dying and the internal states of a person accompanying this process, invented by the Swiss-born American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
A little about the woman who created this theory, and her attitude to science. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1926–2004) Swiss psychiatrist-medium, founded a spiritual healing center in the 1980s called the Orphanage for Disconsolate Widows. In this institution, ladies who have lost their husbands had the opportunity to enter into spiritualistic communication with the “posthumous essences” of their deceased spouses, including very close ones. Despite the fact that the deceased husbands were citizens of completely different countries, people of different ages, views, positions, statuses and ideas about hygiene, all the ladies who went through “deep mystical contact” with their long-dead spouses were found to have the same vaginal infection. . The police, who drew attention to this mysterious fact, soon discovered that the role of many husbands was played by the same gentleman, namely, the confidant of Kübler-Ross, circus performer Jay Burchem, who skillfully used the absolute darkness that was a prerequisite for the sessions. Actually Berchem was a peddler of a venereal disease. When he was caught, he explained that «an entity from the other world cloned him to materialize the meeting.» (Rosenbaum R. Dead like her: How Elisabet Kubler-Ross went around the bend. 2004, J. Grant Discarden science 2006).
As for the specific views of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross on the perception of approaching death, the model she proposed has no scientific basis and is only a joint fantasy of an esoteric woman and seriously ill people who were terribly bored in the hospital. There was no research, just long conversations between a University of Chicago School of Medicine instructor and seriously ill single people, and the result was a lively and vividly written book. The book became very popular. If you want, read it.
Actually the Kübler-Ross model
Having received the news that a person is terminally ill, he often denies what he heard at the first moment: “This cannot happen to me, this is a mistake, you are probably talking about someone else.” Denial acts as a psychological defense mechanism that protects the mind from unbearable thoughts and experiences. This is the first stage.
Then, in the second stage, a person is overcome by anger: it can result in rage, indignation or envy of those who are healthy. Doctors are often the object of anger: “They are of no use. All they think about is playing golf. They do the wrong tests and prescribe the wrong treatment.”
With the third stage, Kübler-Ross and her followers are confused, because people in a difficult situation really behave very differently. For some, the feeling of guilt deepens, mysticism intensifies, some try to make deals with higher powers: “Lord, if the diagnosis is not confirmed, I will quit smoking!”
Then, as a rule, depression sets in: a person falls into despair and horror, loses interest in everyday problems, moves away from people.
The last stage according to Kübler-Ross is the acceptance stage. At this stage, a person begins to think about death with quiet resignation: “I have lived an interesting and eventful life. Now I can die.»
Like any theory picked up by not too smart followers, the famous 5 stages quickly turned into dogma. Some psychotherapists have even become angry with their patients when they “violate” the sequence of experiences prescribed by Kübler-Ross (“You must not turn to anger until you have passed the stage of denial!”).
How to treat this concept? Best of all, no way. Any well-replicated fairy tale can become a fashionable theory and give rise to corresponding experiences and behavior. In the Middle Ages, women had intercourse with the devil, in the 19th century all women fainted, at the beginning of the 20th century everyone developed neurosis, today infantilism, psychological trauma and the Kübler-Ross model of dying are in vogue. What is mysterious and scary attracts people not of the highest level. Recall that wise people are always ready for their death, for a warrior man this is an internal duty.
The propaganda of this concept has its positive and negative sides, and the negative sides of such propaganda outweigh. For weak people, this theory is rather a relief, official permission to experience plus help to talk about death (which is scary and difficult for many people), plus the suggestion that although in a year you will finally calm down. On the other hand, this theory, when it is presented as a scientific development, disorientates smart and strong people who were not initially inclined to long and difficult experiences. Then this theory begins to work like a disease-causing virus, turning the acute, but possibly short, pain of loss into severe pain that lasts for months, or even years.
For the death of one’s own and someone else’s, as well as for any other loss, one must be prepared, and for this one must prepare. If you set yourself such a task — cope with this, it is not so difficult.