“Emilia Vasilievna, I once heard one interesting thought: “It is very important for a woman not to run in search of love, but to learn to become a source of love herself. If you need love, be the most loving person in the world and show those around you how to be. Get active.» This idea inspired me very much and I really wanted to learn how to be active in love. Now, in the book “The Charm of Femininity”, I got acquainted with the concept of “female aggressiveness”, where it is clearly and clearly stated that a man should be leading, he should be active. How, then, to be the source yourself?” Kate.
Katyusha, I would not put an equal sign between “female aggressiveness” and female activity so humbly, firstly, this is not so, and secondly, the use of this term in such a connotation for some reason hangs on women the obligation of passive behavior. Aggressiveness at the dating stage can be both in women and in men. But it is expressed not just in some kind of activity, but in an inattentive attitude to the desires of another. The term «female aggressiveness» in the connotation proposed in the book will be more accurately and correctly replaced by «inattentive activity» in relation to a man. Inattentive activity is when the move is not passed to another. All by myself, by myself, by myself…
The woman has made her choice, but she does not give the man a choice — she actively pursues him with her attention. What can be more forgivable for a man, but is never an effective female strategy for falling in love.
A non-aggressive source, to be in an active position, is possible in relation to a specific person when he is located towards you.
It is not a woman-source that runs after a man and calls — come to me, try how tasty, warm and sunny I am… But a man goes to the source himself, of his own choice, if he managed to notice it, feel the energy of heat and light coming from it… That is, at first a woman (and any person) always manifests herself at a distance: her warmth is directed at everyone, but someone, suddenly, very specifically fell under these rays … and turned his whole body towards them … Then heat and light, activity , you can add address. And wait for the next step. If there is no step, then the ardor should be moderated; if there is a step, then it must be answered again, with all the ardor and fervor. And then again give way to another.
Yes, the rules of the game are old: the female activity is responding to the «intrusion» and the male activity is invading! But the activity must be on both sides! A sluggish rotten princess does not need to sit by the window! Being a source of joy in life is the first rule! To get the source noticed. And the second thing is that decent people always have attentive activity, with the transfer of the course. This rule is sacred for men too: they don’t pass you the move, don’t meddle!
And if we, girls, know how to pass the move, then — attention! “Sometimes it’s not shameful to call us. And in some cases even recommended! When. In which cases? Then, when you are drying for someone, for the second week already, but you have no idea — how does he like you? Don’t dry up, take a step. One step! Call. Or come. Show up. State your sympathy frankly! But at the same time, you need to be prepared that your step is just a step, and he does not oblige a man to anything. He will not give you an order for your courage, that is, he may not show sympathy that is adequate in terms of your strength. He will see sympathy from you for him, he can thank you for this sympathy (thank you — this is warmly talking about this and that …), but not take any further step to reduce the distance. There will be no dynamics. There will be no offers from him.
Didn’t follow? Get off! Your timely activity, which you turned on and learned — «I’m not interested in …» will help you with this. And now your mind should help you — you stop feeding yourself with illusions: if there is no reciprocal step, this does not mean that the man is indecisive, it means that he is not interested. A sober look will allow you not to fall in love with someone who is indifferent to you, who has not planned and does not plan to take steps.
The longer you passively “dry”, the harder it is to get out of this love that will grow from the house. You yourself will feed it with uncertainty and your pink fantasies about the future — you will evaluate any sideways glance of the object of sighing as an incredible sign of attention and its intensely hidden passion.
If you know each other, if there are glances for the second month, and there are no steps from the guy, take a step yourself! One! And if you don’t know each other, come and get to know each other. Don’t sit in the bushes. Do not indulge in thoughts — will you strike him or not? Take action and get feedback.
Girls, don’t be afraid to take steps! It does not humiliate a woman. Don’t take too many steps, don’t turn into Velcro and beg for «love» — this is an important suggestion! Do not lie to yourself that the man did not notice your step, did not understand your step — this is also the right approach, do not engage in self-deception! He saw everything and understood everything. He does not want. And you finally found out about it, that’s what matters, thanks to your bold step. And now you will not indulge in baseless fantasies, tightly falling in love with a person who is completely indifferent to you. That’s right, do not fall in love, do not feed on illusions — clarify the situation!
But the female problem is that at first the girls sit without moving, without giving any signals, without taking provocative actions to charm, burn the object with the passion that flared up in her chest. But then, if out of desperation (from the pangs of love) they turned on activity, then “keep me seven.” Dear girls, take your steps not from despair, not from feelings that have exhausted you, but in advance — from the decision made, from the head.
The smart head says: be active, but always pass the turn to another! Understandably? And, if there is no answer, end your activity history in the direction of this subject. And never agree from weakness to “just make friends” if you want love. Otherwise, there will always be a greater contribution from your side than from the opposite, which means that you willy-nilly will constantly include excessive activity, inattentive activity. After all, lovers always seem to give little. And it’s good when two lovers feed each other — this means that they create a base of strongest emotional experiences that will hold them together for many years. But it’s bad when one is in love and the other is not. And so they communicate … «friends.» One feeds and feeds the “friend”, and the “friend” does not respond in return. He does not have such a need to overfeed someone, he is not in love, he does not really want to be overfed, he is burdened by this, but due to some circumstances he allows the active lady to “hang” on him, but I repeat, without return. This makes, in the end, the “girlfriend” aggressive, embittered at the injustice of life. «How so? I was SUCH a source!!!” Alas … in such a situation, the girl is not a source, but an aggressor who rapes her «love».
Here is a «love» story that illustrates this feminine problem — not being able to respond to a man’s steps in time and then actively, mindlessly, unceremoniously, aggressively impose your own steps when the man has already pulled away.
“I live with the feeling that I will never have someone I love. So I accept when there are losses in my life. Any… Death, loss of trust in me, interest, love. Yes, I won’t lie, it’s not easy for me, but always, somewhere at the bottom of my soul, heart, subconscious or something else, I know that this is just my scenario, loneliness and loss are inevitable.
What can be done in this case? Let go of tears? I think it might take a long time. I understand that I can rejoice even now, despite the fact that now my heart hurts.
I just understand that if my condition fluctuates from the fact that I cannot be close to a very good person as close to me in all areas, then it remains to accept that I will not have this and find pluses in what I have. And the heart really shrinks … So, it is important to learn not to experience certain emotions so that the heart does not hurt, and this is possible, in my opinion, only when you are independent of the attitude of other people towards yourself. And… I’m just sorry. It’s a pity that my short-sightedness, the fear of not being proud enough, easily acquired, helped this happen, that this person is already with another good person and I know that they are fine …
Now I need to learn how to be a friend and perceive a person as a friend. This way, relationships are even more honest and open for me, because I am a person with a skewed relationship — when I don’t appreciate it, and when I don’t understand that … such a fool)) ”.
“learn to be a friend and perceive a person as a friend”
- The most losing relationship is when there is attraction to the «friend». If there is a desire to engage in a “small tail pow”, roll yourself under the plinth — wanting more, agreeing to less, then this means that with willpower and self-esteem, I’m completely at seams: I can’t pull myself into a fist so much, then at least I will collect crumbs from the table.
If you ask me, is it worth it? I’ll tell you — I absolutely do not recommend! I’m always for self-respect. Grab yourself by the throat and cut off all contact. My wards, who understood the importance of such a strategy (preserving their own dignity, not being a veiled Velcro), if necessary, changed jobs if it was a colleague, did not visit the company if they had to cross paths in this get-together. In general, you got the attachment rooted and were ready for new relationships, which they learned to successfully build, from the first steps, and not when the guy cooled off.
“I am a person with a skewed relationship — when I don’t appreciate it, and when it’s gone, you understand that … such a fool))”
- It’s not just you. This is typical for all girls who have read novels and seen enough films on the topic: how a man needs to be kicked, and for this he will fall terribly in love and will run after you until he loses consciousness. Failed strategy. In which a hodgepodge occurred, where female benevolence, the virgins suddenly designated obsession in their heads, and coldness was called female dignity. Coldness is not a virtue. This is a crown on my head: I’m such a princess here, and you are nobody, get me. It is boring to pursue those who do not warm, who meet you with sour intonations and with a brick expression on their faces, who consider you to be nobody.
Wake up, dear girls, learn to be warm when you are with all your heart, and learn not to stick to «friends» when a man has cooled down.
Girl’s answer:
“If you ask me, is it worth it? I’ll tell you — I absolutely do not recommend! I’m always for self-respect. Grab yourself by the throat and cut off all contacts.
Is it really any other way? After all, a person will appear next to the time, although it is not known when — in a year, or maybe in ten years. And then he will definitely be a friend, attraction will be to another. Well, I don’t want to break it. Really very sensible, developed and self-developing person. Thanks to him, I began to turn on my brains: from reflections I began to move on to actions in different areas of my life. That’s why it’s hard to break — I’ll break what helps me move forward.
“In general, you got the attachment rooted and were ready for new relationships that they learned to build successfully from the first steps, and not when the guy cooled off.”
Here I agree, initially it was from the very first steps to build relationships, but then I thought that I myself was “smart”, but in fact it turned out that I behaved like most women — “women with a crown on their heads”.
“and learn not to stick to “friends” when a man has cooled down.”
So everything is up and running? I feed myself with self-deception that my communication is like communication of a friend, but in fact I am a “Velcro”? I don’t like being a Velcro, I still want to believe that I am above this, but somewhere a part of me agrees with you that I am unnecessarily obsessive towards this person, even though he won’t say it out loud, but he doesn’t go to communication first .
And thanks for the honest, professional answers, even though the truth is not always pleasant to hear.
I thought and thought and realized — Velcro (Well, it’s time to stomp your feet.
I really hope that my tips will help girls take a closer look and understand what female pride and female activity look like, where and when they need to be shown, without confusing places.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.