Everyone regrets something, and sex is no exception. What do women regret when it comes to casual relationships? And what is the difference between men’s experiences on the same occasion?
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When you ask an interlocutor what he regrets most in his life, most likely, in response you will hear a story about events related to love, sex and romance.
Both sexes often grieve about missed opportunities (such as partners who left us), deceit and infidelity, and what our first sexual experience was like. Both men and women talk a lot about regrets related to sex in one way or another. But are the specific reasons for sad “sexual” memories similar for both sexes? Research shows no.
In one study, college students were asked to read two scripts. The first described a story in which the hero had casual sex, and later regretted it. In the second scenario, the hero refused a similar opportunity and subsequently lamented over this. Participants were then asked to rate how much they themselves might feel in similar situations.
It turned out that men are more likely to regret that they could have missed some kind of sex-related opportunity, and women – that they took advantage of it! In other words, men tend to regret what they didn’t have, while women worry more about what they did have.
In another study, participants were given a list of examples of regrets related to sex. Respondents were asked to indicate which of these situations they themselves faced. And again, women were more likely to talk about the cases in which they chose to “act”, and men noted more options that describe “inaction”.
Of the 39 items that described regrets about having sex, none were more popular with men than with women. Of 30 examples of “sexual inactivity” regrets, only one was more common among women than among men.
The cost of “reproductive success” associated with sexual activity or inactivity has a different cost for men and women
Women most often regret that:
- chose the “wrong” person for the first sexual experience,
- cheated on partner
- too quickly moved from romance to intimate relationships.
For men, the saddest memories are that they:
- did not tell the partner about her attractiveness,
- did not use every opportunity to have sex at a young age,
- were not more sexually active before they married.
The results suggest that sexual regrets are common for both men and women, but the nature of these regrets differs by gender. How to explain this gender difference?
We cannot say for sure. But the scientists who conducted the study believe that the results are directly related to the theory of evolution. The basic idea is that the cost of “reproductive success” associated with sexual activity or inactivity has a different cost for men and women.
Public opinion still dictates to us that women should not have casual relationships and have fun.
Women are more likely to regret casual sex that didn’t lead to a relationship, partly because if they had a child, their parental costs for offspring would be much higher. Pregnancy and childbirth affect health. The investment in time and money needed to live with a child is more required of a woman, especially if she has to raise him without a father.
At the same time, men are more likely to regret spending time in relationships that did not result in sex or where it was not enough (because it reduces the likelihood of having children).
In both of these scenarios, there are hypothetical reproductive costs. For example, the risk of getting pregnant from a person who will not stay with you and the child, for women. And for men, this is the risk of missing out on the opportunity to pass on their genes.
Of course, the results of the study can be considered from other points of view. For example, public opinion still dictates to us that women should not enter into casual relationships and generally enjoy sex. And these moods make ladies more sorry that they allowed themselves unencumbered sex.
Overall, women seem to be much more likely to think about the social consequences of their sexual behavior than men. This idea is supported by other studies, which show that women are more likely than men to worry about the consequences of casual sex on their reputation.
It’s also worth noting that women are more likely than men to report “less than satisfying” casual sex experiences. So, the difference in the level of pleasure can also play a role in this story.
The author is Justin Lemiller, Ph.D. in Social Psychology, Fellow of the Kinsey Institute for the Study of Sex, Gender, and Reproduction.