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They are far from the traditional image of the «keeper of the hearth» — a submissive, patient, ready to do anything for the sake of preserving the family of a woman. Why do modern Russian women value themselves more than their mothers and grandmothers?
It seems their patience has run out. But they were told that there is nothing more important for a woman than marriage and motherhood, that a family must be preserved at any cost, that it is a shame to be a “divorcee”. They were taught various ladies’ tricks: how to marry a man and how to keep him then, they explained that a man is a head, and a woman is a neck, that the way to a man’s heart lies through the stomach, that a man is a breadwinner, and a woman is a keeper of the hearth …
But there are more and more women who expect something more from a partner: love, respect, understanding. And if this is not in the relationship, they are ready to leave them. Superjob.ru portal statistics show that in 57% of cases it is women who initiate a divorce. How so? After all, it is traditionally believed that women, unlike male innovators, are conservative in nature?
So which one of us is a conservative?
Before our eyes, ideas about the male and female roles, about the family, are undergoing a breakdown. This is a global process — all over the Western world we are witnessing a crisis of both the gender and the family system, notes client-centered psychotherapist Alexander Orlov: “In this chaos, the male position, in my opinion, is more conservative, it is more centripetal and protective, and the female is more progressive and, in its trajectory, rather centrifugal.”
No, morality has nothing to do with it, says Alexander Orlov, it’s all about the contradictory conditions in which men and women exist.
Despite all the seemingly drastic changes, society remains patriarchal, sexist: “Ultimately, society as a whole — even in countries such as the United States, Holland — continues to be on the side of the man. Gender inequality, glass ceilings and general infringement of the rights of women persist, which are the weak link in this system.”
But in such a patriarchal situation, it turns out that it is more profitable for a man to keep a family, and for a woman to get out of it.
“For a man, staying in a traditional family is mainly associated with gains, from economic to psychological,” emphasizes Alexander Orlov. — And the exit is fraught with real losses. There is a stereotype that a “real man” leaves without taking anything. We are talking about property and children.
For a woman, on the contrary, staying in a family is mainly associated with losses, overstrain, deprivation — domestic «slavery», humiliation, her husband’s betrayal … And leaving the family, she receives bonuses. Even if during a divorce, housing has to be divided, she has the opportunity to dispose of her part at her own discretion.
They got to their feet
“At some point, I got tired of hearing from my husband his favorite refrain: “Don’t load me!” — recalls 35-year-old Taisiya. — He was not up to me, not to the child. «I give money — leave me alone!» Gradually we became strangers, our lives went in parallel. And I decided that there was no point in staying together. I’m quite a successful lawyer, I’ll live somehow and raise my daughter.”
With the naked eye you can see how the economic foundations of the family are changing, at least in large cities. Although women have been working en masse in Russia since the 1917 revolution, it is in recent decades that the number of those who make a career and earn on a par with their husbands, or even more, has noticeably increased. And that means that the status of “married” ceases to be a condition for survival.
“And if so, then the meaning of marriage is changing,” says Gestalt therapist Elena Pavlyuchenko. “Now it should be a condition for improving the quality of life, including the psychological one. Accordingly, a woman’s requirements for a partner change: she expects him to provide her with support, spiritual comfort, and not just bring money and fix something in the house — there are various services for this. The human qualities of a companion come to the fore for her.
But Russian men are not yet very ready to meet these expectations, the Gestalt therapist believes. And this, too, can push women to break.
Men don’t want to change
It is also important that in an unsuccessful marriage, women suffer more than their husbands.
“A recent study in the UK showed that women who are not satisfied with their marriage have an increased risk of an anxiety disorder,” says Elena Pavlyuchenko. — That is, they experience problems in a couple much harder than men. And this affects their well-being.
Men in case of dissatisfaction with marriage most often simply distance themselves, go to work, hobbies, social connections. It’s as if they don’t expect anything good from marriage, it’s enough for them that there is domestic compatibility, maybe even sex, but they may not be in the mood for spiritual contact.
And men and women cope with these experiences differently, Alexander Orlov notes: “According to my observations, approximately 80% of our clients are women. Men prefer traditional forms of «therapy»: alcohol, friends, baths, football, etc., which allows them to relieve stress. But all these methods are conservative. They simply relieve emotional stress without changing the position of the man as a whole.
And wives go to psychotherapy, which transforms the personality, emphasizes independence, stimulates them to find a way out of the current situation, and very often this leads to the fact that the old system of relationships breaks down and the wife decides to break up.
The psychotherapist notes that the desire to be on an equal footing with a partner is associated with the level of education, especially in the humanities, as well as with the woman’s childhood experience. “If the family accepted her, respected her needs, did not drive her into the Procrustean bed of a gender role, she would rather say “no” to an unsatisfactory union.”
Sometimes it’s better to be alone
“From my husband’s spacious apartment, located in the center of Moscow, I fled to a murdered rented apartment in a residential area. Although I lost my comfort, I still felt like I was flying on wings! No one else will «build» me! What a relief! 29-year-old Karina rejoices.
There are more and more people living alone in the world. But this is more difficult for men, Elena Pavlyuchenko notes: “In such a situation, their quality of life often decreases, they become more susceptible to diseases than women.”
For women, loneliness is not so critical. Yes, left without a partner, they lose in terms of mental well-being to those who live in a satisfying marriage, but they win compared to those who are not satisfied with the marriage. “We can easily organize our life, we are more inclined to social contacts, we have friends, hobbies. And although we say that we are afraid of loneliness, but if we feel bad in the family, then it is better to be alone, ”comments the Gestalt therapist.
“After leaving the family system, a woman receives psychological freedom, which she did not have before,” continues Alexander Orlov. — After all, a man is freer within the family, including the notorious «campaigns to the left.» Society, including, paradoxically, the woman’s friend, looks much more favorably on men’s adventures and condemns not only the real betrayal of a woman, but even her fantasies on this topic.
And perhaps the most important thing is the liberation from “domestic slavery”, because of which a woman feels that she does not belong to herself.
“Generally speaking, in a traditional family, a man’s place is a sofa, a woman’s place is a kitchen or a nursery,” continues the client-centered psychotherapist. — In this sense, the timing of the life of an average married woman in Russia is a terrible picture. It may sound provocative, but I would compare this traditional family system with the apartheid system that once existed in South Africa, where the way of life and access to benefits for blacks was completely different from that of whites.
In our traditional family, women also turn out to be non-white people. Coming out of it, they get the opportunity to manage their own time, they can afford a freer lifestyle.”
From subordination to equality
Of course, the views and self-perception of women are also changing under the influence of feminism. Although it would be an oversimplification to think that the whole point is the penetration of Western ideas to us. This is an objective process, emphasizes Elena Pavlyuchenko: the patriarchal way of life does not correspond to the level of the economy.
“The development of technology leads to the fact that the labor market is increasingly in demand for feminine qualities and a way of thinking: the ability to multitask, composure, attentiveness. Women are less prone to alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling and other addictions. And this cannot but lead to a change in women’s values. The status of «married» ceases to be a sign of a woman’s success, and the status of «divorced» is no longer a reason to feel sorry for her.»
But what about children? After all, until recently it was believed that for their sake it is necessary to save even the most unsuccessful marriage. Isn’t the mother being selfish in leaving her husband?
“If she tolerates mistreatment, then internally she is dead,” says Alexander Orlov. — And for children to observe a mother who died during her lifetime, to put it mildly, is not very good. Just more responsible is the one that breaks with her husband in order to remain “alive”.
All this does not mean that the family for the «new woman» loses its importance.
“The family is important, provided that it is built on other grounds,” says Alexander Orlov. — On partnership, cooperation, mutual respect. Such a family implies a new identity, lifestyle, responsibility. It would be wrong to idealize partnership, there are many problems in such a family. But it is a healthier form of marital relationship than patriarchal.”