For a man, the use of force is natural. The man is the Force. It’s normal for a dad to give a pop, for a boy it’s normal to get a pop. Boys kick and fight, this is their norm of life, only parents, or rather mothers, are worried about this. A real man knows how to be restrained and will never hit in vain, but if you need to call a child to order, and the child did not understand him the first time, he will do it without hesitation.
Men do not believe in the original angelic nature of children, their motto is: “Angels are not born, they become angels. Children, get up!!”
The approach of the Silovik is not close to women, they profess the approach of Dushka. Women believe in the positiveness of the child and are careful, constantly worrying about how not to lose him — and remembering that a baby can only be loved. Children grow up. but for a mother, a child always remains just such a baby … Women have more fears, they cannot afford those drastic measures that men consider completely normal: “Well, what do you allow yourself? You do not know how this will affect the child and what fears he may have after you! And then, our contact with the child will be destroyed! Women really do not like to force them in interaction with children — and in every possible way avoid this. Psychologists-consultants constantly receive letters from women of this kind:
“What if online games are taking over — warn, punish, everything is hostile. Of course it’s me I try to explain to them the harm of online games, but they still want to play.
“Can you tell me how to behave correctly when my son starts just yelling like a cut (moreover, consciously and looking into his eyes, without tears — they are added later), if suddenly something is not for him (example: he wants to jump off the couch, I don’t mind , I just offer help in the form of a hand, I explain that it’s a little high for his age — yelling. Okay, I say, jump yourself (I think to myself that I’ll catch it anyway) — yelling. I already think that I should have explained and banned, but he I would definitely have shouted then too (there were precedents, even if I allowed something different in response)”.
Or, from the comments to the article “Bad Habits in a Child”: “The child is always with his mouth open, in the absence of a runny nose. The orthodontist said it’s a bad habit. Persuasion and explanations do not help. Could it be a psychological issue? How to be? The child is 9 years old. — I answered: “Yes, I think this is a psychological problem, but of a different plan: the problem is that your child does not listen to you, and you use only persuasion and explanations. Now this is an “open mouth” problem, in 7 years the problems may turn out to be much more serious. And you will only persuade and explain?
Women seem to organically either not endure, or do not understand the need for strict measures in weaning children from bad habits. They consider options when everything is only kind: words, not actions, so as to arouse desire, and not just prohibit. Actually, banning for most mothers means only the words “I forbid you this!”, And nothing really serious follows from this. Mothers will explain and persuade, even when there is no need to explain, and persuasion, in principle, does not help. This is what happens: mom tries to solve the issue gently day after day, month after month, then she didn’t have enough nerves — she yelled at the children, threw a tantrum, something was decided, but it’s ugly, you can’t act like that regularly … She worried, sighed, scolded herself — more again for the old: reminds, asks and persuades … And so on until the next scandal.
Men solve such situations simply by giving an order and without talking stop the wrong behavior of children. They do not even force, because they do not even internally consider the possibility of resisting their orders. They simply put things in order, just as a woman puts things in order by dusting. She doesn’t make the dust disappear, she just wipes the dust and cleans up.
Women practice only persuasion and, to the last, avoid formulating a clear and precise demand. Even if the text of the demand is dictated to her, only unhappy eyes can be seen in response, followed by a refusal: “No, I can’t say that!”
Somehow, in the company of young mothers, I asked to play a situation when my daughter does not get up in the morning, and specifically asked to talk to her harder, demandingly … Here is a recording of a conversation where one mother played her daughter, and another raised her:
How hard it is to wake up in the morning, how hard! Well, sleep for at least 10 more minutes!
Lena, get up!
— Well, another 5 minutes! Let’s count to five and I’ll get up.
— Climb! The arm goes up, the leg goes up.
— It’s so cool here … No legs, I’m already cold … I’ll hide myself again, and then I’ll get up.
— Climb!
— It’s very cold. I’ll hide again and then get up.
Lena, get up! I’m leaving, I don’t want to listen. Come on, get up quickly.
— There are a few more minutes.
— No time.
I’ll count to ten, then I’ll get up.
Here I interrupted this altercation: this style of conversation was ineffective, could go on indefinitely, and did not give any result. Mom seemed to be trying to speak gu.e., she played almost a peasant, but all the same, persuasion and persuasion were heard in her voice. I offered my option, without persuasion. It sounded like this:
“Lena, will you get up on your own, or should I help you?”
— No, I’ll pack myself.
— So, I’ll count to three, and then I’ll help. It’s just time to get up. Once…
Everything, the issue was resolved, Lena will rise. But if she thinks that this is all and everything was cheap for her, then she is mistaken. In fact, the conversation will continue … About what? Yes, that Lena did not get up herself and even resisted the demands of her parents. Therefore, in the evening there will be another conversation — this:
— Lena, tell us, what did we have today with getting up?
“I had a very good dream. So bright and beautiful…
“I’m not asking you about that. You yourself did not get up, and I had to use direct violence against my beloved daughter.
— It’s very difficult, it’s cold.
— Do I understand correctly that you are offering me to continue to raise you like this, and I will decide this issue for you?
— It’s hard for me to say. But probably, yes, it will.
— Have to. Did you decide for me? And you are helpless. Did you really think that you were helpless and decided to rely on your father’s decision because of this feature? Daughter, you are smart, do you really need it?
Yes, I’m smart.
— Smart. Then you have 5 minutes to consult with your mother, what to do, so that you get up on your own, or in 5 minutes I myself will tell you about your future fate …
Of course, the most successful and wisest decision is if the roles in the family are distributed: when you need to act tough, a demanding dad puts things in order, and when it is possible and necessary to melt the ice, this is done by a warm and kind mother with her unconditional love. This is an ideal solution, the only difficulty is that dad is not always there, and sometimes he is not in the family at all. It is precisely for these situations that a woman should be ready: to be able to be not only sweet and warm, but, if necessary, once, both decisive and tough. It just needs to be known. Maybe you will turn to this extremely rarely, but being able to do it is a must.
In summary, a recommendation to women: learn to act tough. Without scandals — but tough. At first, they asked calmly, but clearly and confidently. The second step was to warn about punishments. The third — you solve the issue harshly: warned — deprived. Warned — punished. No extra talk. And to explain this to children is simple: “Children, I don’t want to punish you at all, and you can make it so that I will never punish you. You just do what I ask you, do not violate our agreements — and we will live only in peace and harmony. How do you like this proposal?
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.