Woman older: couples with age difference through the eyes of men

Artem, financial consultant:

“I have seen different, and often happy, examples of such couples. My friends were attracted by the fact that a woman is more experienced and deeper than their peers. And in intimate relationships, it is more interesting. Some people like being taken care of. Some of the women failed to build an alliance with peers or older men who suppressed them. And in a new relationship, they felt more relaxed.

I had a friend who, to my surprise, married at twenty-two an older girl. When I asked him about this, he replied that we probably all develop asymmetrically. Someone grows up at twenty, someone cannot take a step at fifty. Now, after fifteen years, they have three children, a strong family.

Everything depends on the people. If a man meets an older woman and feels – here she is, a soul mate, then he probably does not worry about age, but perhaps he only thinks about the stereotypes of society. However, in big cities this is no longer much attention.

The world has changed, now the boundaries of cultures are increasingly blurred, less and less people are criticized for their choice. Society imposes stereotypes on a woman: they say, over time, she allegedly loses her attractiveness. But this is just marketing, and I, as a person who is related to it, understand how it works.

When a woman is told: every decade you become less interesting to men, this means that you can sell her more and more creams and cosmetics. In fact, it’s getting more and more interesting. This, of course, applies to those who develop, because if this does not happen, then at fifty a woman will be the same mind as at fifteen. Whoever progresses, strives forward, does not grow old, but only reveals himself brighter.

Could I be in a relationship with an older woman? I can totally imagine it.”

Sergey, sports coach:

“I had a long-term relationship with an older woman. And I can say that such unions have their pluses and minuses. I see the pluses in the fact that a man psychologically matures more slowly than a woman. And for him, an older woman is an incentive that also encourages him to develop and comply.

The second point is biological. After 30-35 years, women blossom, open up, become more feminine. With a man of his age, it sometimes becomes difficult for them – peer partners gradually lose their libido and taste for life. And in women, on the contrary, it increases. And this applies not only to sex, but also to life activity in general.

Such couples can be stable, because a woman already understands what she wants from this life. It attracts a younger partner.

However, the pluses can partly play a minus. If a woman is unnecessarily worried about losing her visual appeal, she may feel jealous. She begins to compete with a younger environment in which the girls seem to her as rivals, even if they are not. The man can’t stand it and leaves.

I confess that this was my case. There was constant tension in our house. We lived together for seven years and were happy all these years, until my companion began to torment us both with jealousy. However, I do not exclude that often jealousy is not groundless, a man can really turn towards younger women.

Alexey, doctor:

“Statistics show that marriages where the man is younger than the woman are more durable. The average age of such a union is about twelve years. If the couple is the same age or the man is older, the average duration of their relationship is five to six years.

However, it cannot be said that people in marriages of different ages are happier or more unhappy. Probably each case is unique. There are certain psychological characteristics in which a man or woman can be attracted to older partners.

From a medical point of view, it is important that a person is with someone. To not be alone. As a doctor, I can say that any healthy partnership is already a huge prevention of age-related changes. We have to adapt even in small things: to the mood of another person, his habits. This, in turn, leads to the stimulation of the formation of new neural connections, which does not happen in isolation. Therefore, the main thing is that a person lives with someone in harmony. And already with whom – it does not matter. Even in a significant age gap, I do not see anything wrong.

In my environment there are patients and friends who live in couples with a large age difference. And they resolve inevitable conflicts, like all people, depending on their own internal culture and communication skills.

“Psychological compatibility of partners is more important than external conformity to the stereotypes of a good family”

Lev Khegai, Jungian analyst

We live in a time when ideas about the family are radically changing. The changes relate to gender composition (for example, in many countries of the world there are same-sex families), forms of union (guest marriage, virtual relationships), type of love relationship (promiscuity, polyamory, polygamy/polyandry). On the verge of tolerance even to such exotic forms as “partnership by oneself” or “alliance with a virtual robot partner.”

Against this background, unions in which the woman is older do not seem unusual for a long time. The popularity of this model is associated with the aging of the European population, the stake on individual choice and the general tendency of modern people to deny age, supporting the narcissistic illusion of immortality.

When we say “young at heart” or “matured early,” we mean that psychological age does not match the age of the body. Moreover, in different circumstances, one person can behave either like a child or like an old man.

In paired relationships, contact occurs between the children’s and adult parts of personalities. Therefore, the psychological compatibility of partners is more important than external conformity to the stereotypes of a good family. Although socio-political changes affect the consciousness of people, we remain at the mercy of subconscious mechanisms.

In the union of a man with a much older woman, it will be difficult for her to project the image of a positive father onto him. At the same time, she can identify with his youth and energy, and project a child onto him, including her maternal feelings. This is important if she has not realized herself as a mother.

It will probably be difficult for him to see in her the embodiment of eternal femininity and the young Anima (Eve or Aphrodite). However, her strong mother complex can give him a sense of security, lack of parental support, which will allow him to become more creative and liberated.

Another problem of unions of different ages is that the youngest does not receive eternal childhood, but, on the contrary, grows up faster than their peers. The elder, instead of self-sufficiency due to the possession of an ideal child in the face of the younger, receives an increase in the feeling of loneliness.

This is due to the simple-complex relationship pattern that Carl Gustav Jung commented on. The simple resists the control and authority of the complex, which will prevent him from getting on his own feet. He will play separation impulses with him. And if he continues to idealize the complex, he will get stuck in infantilism. At the same time, the difficult one only half feels in a relationship, because he lacks someone who is wiser or “bigger” than him.

In general, there are no ideal relationship patterns – each comes with a cart of accompanying problems. But this does not mean that people will not be able to solve them and will not find their recipe for happiness.