Woman and Violence: A Deadly Hope

Violence always develops in cycles. The accumulation of tension is followed by an explosion of aggression, and then comes the “honeymoon”, a respite. The aggressor asks for forgiveness, “apologizes for sins” and bestows gifts on the victim. Since at this stage a woman receives psychological or material advantages, it is difficult for her to unambiguously assess what happened to her. Having received a reward, she does not seem to see the damage done to her.

In addition, violence triggers a number of protective psychological processes, such as dissociation and splitting. Everything related to the traumatic experience is “pushed back” to a safe distance. Reality seems to be split in two: in one, the partner remains cruel and aggressive, in the other, he becomes loving and attentive. It is difficult to hold polar thoughts and feelings, which means that it is not possible to see the whole picture as a whole.

Trying to understand what is happening, the woman clings to the idea that “there is also something good.” Confused and confused, she cherishes the hope that one day the period of well-being will drag on forever. Trying to find an explanation for changes in the behavior of a partner and his sudden cruelty, a woman almost always feels guilty for the aggression directed at her. Taking responsibility for what is happening, she hopes that she will be able to control bursts of partner aggression. She believes that she could learn not to provoke the rapist, “to find an approach to him”, to be able to please him. It seems to her that if she becomes loving enough, soft, feminine and learns to be silent, the monster will turn into a prince.

Often such a hope is based on the fact that a woman does not feel danger and tends to consider aggressive manifestations as something normal, everyday. She may have experienced or witnessed abuse as a child. Is it normal for a loved one to cause fear? For a woman who has experienced childhood abuse, the answers to these questions are not so straightforward. If in childhood the need for attachment was strongly associated with the need to endure physical or mental pain, violence begins to be perceived as an acceptable price to be paid for the opportunity to not be alone. The expression of this subconscious belief is the well-known “To hit means to love.”

The woman seems to be playing a dangerous and exhausting game that promises a giant prize. You just need to find the right tactics and learn how to get around the constantly arising obstacles. However, it is impossible to win. Violence will never stop: the aggressor simply cannot do without it. The honeymoon is a trap set by a predator in desperate need of a prey. As soon as a woman accepts the apology or gifts of the aggressor, a new round of violence becomes inevitable. And with each new circle, the manifestations of violence become more and more cruel and dangerous for the mental health and even for the life of a woman.

It is generally accepted that the victim does not leave the aggressor, because he depends on him financially. In fact, she does nothing to protect herself for a variety of psychological reasons. Violence gives rise to many psychological phenomena that lead to the dependence of the victim on the dynamics of violence and the inability to objectively assess reality.

Marianna Manduca, before she died in 2007 at the hands of her husband in a small town in the province of Catania, wrote 12 statements to the police about acts of violence and threats from her husband. Three children were left orphans. When the danger comes from a person to whom a woman is attached, when aggression is shown by the one from whom she expects love, the basic defense mechanisms of the psyche break down.

Instead of running from danger and defending himself in every way possible, the victim chooses to hope. Marianna Manduka realized that her husband was taking drugs and being aggressive shortly after the wedding. But when she found out that she was pregnant, she could not leave. It seems that all of us – both society and the state – carry this deadly hope within ourselves. How else to explain the 12 unheard cries for help of a woman who sought protection and tried to save her life?

Our society has yet to finally acknowledge the enormous dangers of domestic violence and the mental health damage it causes. Women who experience violence need help, including psychological help. Today in Russia, from 12 to 14 thousand women die every year at the hands of their spouses. One death every 40 minutes is too high a price to pay for the hope of a victim left without support.

How to Avoid Relationship Violence

1. Be careful: violence can be hidden under different masks. This is not only causing physical harm, but also any form of control and restriction of freedom and choice. Threats, insults, reading private messages, prohibition to communicate with relatives and friends, restriction of financial freedom, sexual demands without regard to your desires – all this is violence.

2. Don’t Ignore Danger Signals Early in a Relationshipwhen it is still possible to get out of them with minimal losses or no damage at all. A potentially dangerous partner almost always gives himself away, despite the advantages that he may have. You should be alerted by any manifestations of intemperance and aggression, in relation not only to you, but also to others. The desire to control you, to limit communication to others, unjustified demands are alarming signals. If the partner continues to do what you dislike, ignoring your demands to stop, this is a reason to break off the relationship.

3. Trust your feelings. The aggressor will never admit the damage done to you, will deny the obvious and shift the responsibility onto you. If you feel like your partner is hurting you, then you don’t. If you feel scared next to him, then it’s time to take care of your safety.

4. Don’t be silent. Despite irrational guilt and shame, talk about what is happening to you. Look for people who can help you and enlist their support.

Finally, never lose control of your life. Your conditional “mail, telephone and telegraph” should always remain only in your hands. Housing, a small supply of money, people you can count on to help you stay afloat in a difficult situation and not put up with violence in your own home.