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We often forget that a child, in front of whom a mother, brother or sister was beaten, also becomes a victim. How might this affect his future life? And what to do with this injury?
Almost all of my clients who saw how their brothers or sisters were “brought up” with a belt spoke of the same desire — to hide somewhere very, very far away, not to hear or see, to disappear. The word «unbearable» has been used many times.
Why is it so scary and so touching? Helplessness is the most difficult condition for a person. You see how another is hurt, but you can’t do anything.
How is witness trauma different from victim trauma?
The one who is beaten is busy with one thing — physical survival. There is no time to analyze, you dodge blows or turn on your patience. This is a slightly altered state of consciousness: you are in battle, you are busy, you are saving yourself. Yes, most often you lose, but at least you do something — at least you scream or shrink into a ball.
And the witness? He is not busy saving his body, he is not attacked or threatened (at this moment). It is also important whether they do not beat him at all or do not beat him right now. If he was once beaten, then both his pain from past scenes and the fear that he is next in line scroll through his head. And if they never beat him, he still turns out to be a hostage: violence happens before his eyes.
Either way, the witness is experiencing shock trauma.
What happens next depends on whether or not the child was supported after the incident. For example, grandmother hugged and reassured. Mom woke up, cried and apologized for breaking loose in front of both children. If the child does not receive comfort and support, it is likely that the trauma will “stuck” in the psyche for many years.
The child-witness experiences his impotence especially acutely because he seems to be able to rush to help, butt in, scream, and persuade. But few people decide to do this because of shock, fear and misunderstanding of what is happening (after all, parents call it “education” or “punishment”).
Even more terrible than seeing what is happening is hearing it. The cry of a brother or sister, the sound of blows. I myself have such a childhood experience. Can’t escape, plugging your ears won’t help, you’re a hostage. It is not for nothing that in action films they show how someone close to them is being tortured before the eyes of the hero. And the hero is tied up and cannot do anything … and betrays the secret. It took me 10 years of therapy and a few months of self-absorption in the mountains before I could write about it relatively calmly.
Redirected Aggression
There is another thing that is better seen by the witness than by the victim — there is no love in a person who beats a child. He does not now see a living son or daughter in front of him, but he sees “something” that hinders him. And it’s scary — when in front of your eyes a loving parent turns into an insane creature or into a cruel sadist.
What if the «real» parents don’t come back? What if these are actually “real” parents? What if they don’t stop? What if a brother or sister is seriously injured or dies?
And often a strange thing happens — the witness begins to hate the beaten
Why? Yes, because “because of him” mom or dad is angry. Because of him, the witness is forced to be here and endure what is happening. In fact, anger should be directed at the aggressor, but a small child cannot come up and hit a strong and angry parent. The beaten one becomes, as it were, a «criminal.»
And only later, in communication, this aggression will find a channel for an exit — to break something with a brother, to “snitch” on a mother, to arrange a mean trick. Yes, or just hate, even if silently.
Quarrels and fights become the norm. Contact is broken and not restored, even when the children grow up. Actually, the very ability to establish and maintain contact is violated — hence the detached relationship with relatives.
Witnesses of violence subsequently often behave aggressively themselves, they have outbursts of anger, and sometimes rage, as if out of the blue. An increased sensitivity to injustice develops and at the same time an increased tendency to run into trouble (robbery, fights, aggressive environment).
This is a consequence of the fact that the psyche does not read danger well, since the sensitivity to aggression and threats is reduced.
Women often have an exacerbated reaction to the tone, to the volume of the voice. Sometimes they cannot protect their children, they do everything to avoid conflict. They are inferior to their husband, colleagues, mother-in-law, children in everything.
Men often have situations of hysterical aggression, also rather rage — when he tears and throws, breaks furniture and utensils. Such men do everything to remain «in a strong position» and not to be helpless. They often come into open conflict with the leader and are easily included in disputes.
Is it possible to work through injuries on your own?
It is difficult to work through the trauma on your own or reduce its impact due to too strong feelings. The pain was so strong and the fear so great that it was impossible to remember the traumatic situation.
Aggression is a little easier — part of it can be expressed by beating a pillow, tearing a glossy magazine, knocking out a carpet. At the same time, the idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbto whom the hatred is addressed helps — mother, father, brother or sister.
The main thing is awareness. You should not uncontrollably dive into feelings, otherwise the trauma will recur. If the memory of a difficult childhood experience “breaks the roof” in you, take a few breaths and exhalations, wash your face and contact a psychologist next time.
It will be very useful to talk with an adult sister or brother, to find out if they remember the events of those years. Cry and sympathize with each other, share sore, ask for forgiveness for your helplessness.
Appealing to the Inner Child
Here’s what you can do without a psychologist: symbolically «pick up» that little child you once were and pity him. This is your wounded Inner Child, who is still in the past. He’s standing there with his hands over his ears, or huddled in a corner.
You can tell him something like this: “I know how much it hurts you. I am an adult now, I love you, I will always protect you, I will never let this happen again. And if you don’t protect yourself well, physically or emotionally, promise him you’ll learn. If you can’t do it in your imagination, take a pillow, a large toy and hug it.
Show love for yourself, for your wounded part. Now you are her parent, and it depends on you how quickly she will grow up and come out of her fortress. Ask her forgiveness for the fact that sometimes you treat yourself in the same way that you or your sibling were treated by aggressive parents.
Do not be afraid that you divide yourself into parts — you do this so that later you can connect, gather into a whole.
Only you know what your Inner Child will respond to. Only you will feel whether he calms down or not, trusts you or not.
Be patient — sometimes it takes a long time to restore his safety and strength. Remember the feelings of the child? Im-power, imp-help. Make it so that it was “with” power, “with” help.
Childhood is over, and only you, an adult, can help that frightened child that lives inside of you. Including turning, if necessary, for help to others — to a psychologist, a support group, a trainer, a facilitator … To those who know firsthand about injuries and are ready to walk the difficult path to healing with you.