Disappointment, loss of trust is a common cause of broken relationships. What degree of trust is needed in relationships with different people and how excessive trust can interfere, psychotherapist Marina Khazanova explains in an interview.
Psychologies: Maybe it’s easier for us to trust people if we approach trust rationally? But will this lead to the establishment of real, not fake relationships?
Marina Khazanova: At the heart of trust is still an emotional beginning. Listen to this word: it seems to me that it means faith, which arises even before any interaction with another person – “trust”. You believe in the other in advance and on this basis you make contact and build relationships, that is, you can be quite open with him.
But trust is a certain risk, because we can make mistakes. In addition, we lose sight of the existential side of being. Limiting, terrible situations are possible in life, in which even close people can deceive trust.
It turns out that we are doomed to trust and get burned and can not avoid disappointment?
Why do I think we can. Especially if we internally agree that trust is not only a chance to build relationships, but also a burden that we place on another person. And it can be hard.
It is important to be realistic in relationships, not to burden others with absolute, childish trust – and not to demand it in return
Remember small children: their trust in their parents is absolute. It cannot be otherwise, because the life of the child depends on the parents. But if we have the same childlike trust in adult relationships, that trust is over the top. And if the parents under no circumstances leave the child, then it is simply impossible to demand this in the relations of adults. Therefore, we need a balance in which our trust would not become an unbearable burden for other people.
A measure of trust present in intimate relationships would be inappropriate, for example, in relationships with colleagues or a boss. We can – and should ideally – trust their professionalism, their skills. But by sharing some deeply personal experiences with them, we overload them with our trust.
Therefore, the rational approach is to be realistic in relationships, not to burden others with absolute, childish trust – and not to demand it in return. And do not forget: if someone has deceived us before, it is possible that this was also part of our responsibility.
Is our ability to trust others related to how much we trust ourselves?
Yes. Many people can’t get along for years. And no matter what reasons come to the fore, the main one is often a lack of self-confidence. They are afraid that they have something inside that can “jump” out at an unfavorable moment. And then – the “end of the world”: I will lose face, destroy relationships, be humiliated.
What we fear in ourselves is called the Shadow in Jungian psychology: these are negative experiences repressed into the unconscious. And the larger the Shadow, the greater the problem – both in general and with trust in particular. Such people are prone to extremes. They either idealize the other, “hang” on him an absolute, childish trust. Or vice versa – they project their internal negative ideas onto another. And in this case, they believe that with this other you can do whatever you want, as with criminals.
This mechanism is well described by the philosopher Erich Neumann. Such people often idealize trust as a projection onto others of their best unrealized qualities.
What can help?
I’ll start from afar. Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh wrote that many, turning to the Gospel for the first time, complain about the difficulty of reading. They do not feel a response in the soul, what is written seems alien to them. But there is always one, two or three places to which a person still responds. Agrees with them, accepts with all his heart.
By increasing the number of internal points of support, we become less dependent on circumstances and more free to choose.
Anthony of Surozh reminds us how important it is to stick to these passages, return to them, reread them, and with their help gradually expand our understanding of the entire Gospel. With regard to trust, you can use the same mechanism. Everyone has qualities that we trust unconditionally – otherwise it would be very difficult for us to live.
It can be efficiency, taste, will, the ability to learn, protect yourself and others, listen and understand – everyone has this ability, but we know about it and rely on it in difficult times. And by constantly remembering this, knowing that this quality will not fail, we can strengthen confidence in ourselves. Increase the number of internal support points. And this significantly expands our capabilities. We become less dependent on circumstances and others – and more free to choose those whom we trust ourselves.
Does the development of modern communication technologies help to build trust or vice versa?
This is ultimately a matter of the same trust – our trust in technology. If we trust them as a means of communication, use them as tools to communicate with close and important people or to meet and establish new relationships, then this is fine. But if we give technologies some kind of sacred meaning, we believe that each of our network “friends” will help us, then we are mistaken and deceiving ourselves.
When online communication begins to crowd out emotionally close relationships, it is a substitution. In this case, we do not reveal ourselves, but try to hide from ourselves and from others.
About expert
Marina Khazanova — client-centered therapist, body-oriented trauma therapist, specialist in the psychological mechanisms of mediation.