In sexual fantasies, our impulse to live is manifested, they are useful for our libido, Gestalt therapist Brigitte Martel is sure. Why, then, do they confuse us and even scare us?
Psychologies: How do you think the Gestalt approach to working with sexuality differs from the psychoanalytic approach?
Brigitte Martel: We are all endowed with sexuality, but everyone lives it in their own way, and Gestaltists, unlike psychoanalysts, do not evaluate what is normal and what is not. The Gestalt approach explores how we realize the sexual principle, taking into account our unique properties, our uniqueness. We put the person at the center of their individual experience and ask, «What’s good for you, what’s right for you?» rather than «What’s okay?» Another aspect is the theme of aggression, which has always been of interest to the Gestalt approach. It is about healthy, positive aggression that has nothing to do with violence. Sexuality is our life force, the impulse to meet the other, the desire to make contact, and it is impossible without aggression. Another tool is the concept of the contact cycle. It describes exactly how we come into contact with others or with the environment and what difficulties may arise at different stages of this contact.
But the same is true for fantasies: we can fantasize, but then stop. Why are we afraid to give free rein to the imagination?
B. M .: Sometimes fantasies scare us, because they can be powerful experiences, maybe even violent, we are able to imagine something that is unacceptable in our society, and this worries us. In doing so, we unconsciously mix fantasy and action. But many of those who commit sexual crimes are completely devoid of erotic imagination: they feel attraction and immediately realize it. And fantasies, and I insist on this, allow us to create an imaginary world that will not necessarily be realized, but it is necessary to nourish and enliven our sex life, to maintain or regain desire.
What is the role of fantasy?
B. M .: They are needed to strengthen our narcissistic beginning, to return attraction, to remain “inside ourselves” as a desired woman or a desired man, even if there is no one around now who could become our partner. But all this only works if we distinguish between fantasy and reality. For example, a woman imagines that she is being raped. There are many women who like to imagine this. Obviously, they do not want to be raped in reality at all. But in fantasy, the feeling that “I’m amazing, sexy, desirable, men just can’t help but jump on me” allows us to satisfy our narcissism, to give confidence in our femininity. The other side of this fantasy is: «If I’m being raped, then I have to have sex, it’s not my fault, I can relax.» So one of my clients was able to free herself from the harsh attitude towards sex that had been learned in a strict Catholic family.
- Where are the roots of your erotic fantasies?
- What do your sexual fantasies say about you?
Can fantasies be dangerous?
B. M .: In two cases, I treat them with restraint. First, when they completely replace the sexual act. In this case, I recommended that clients decide to meet and see what is happening between two people in reality. The second case concerns those who do not sufficiently distinguish between fantasy and reality: here I see a danger. But in all other cases, I urge you to give free rein to your imagination. If we block our «bad» fantasies, then our sexual desire is blocked at the same time.
What fantasies of your clients impressed you, seemed the most exotic?
B. M .: They’re all kind of exotic: no one fantasizes about sex in a marital bed on a Saturday night. The place must be unique. It can be, say, a jungle or a public space where we can be seen, a flying saucer or a spaceship. Choosing such a place for fantasies is one way to get out of the usual rut, to overcome the routine. Scenes can also be strange and funny: one man saw in front of him many women who were piano keys for him, and he played the score on them. But there are also violent stories. For example, a woman who experienced incest imagined herself doing whatever she wanted with men, as if in her fantasies she was taking revenge on them. It was her way to take back control of her life, to fix the past, and although these were very difficult scenes, they helped her to overcome the trauma and move on.