“Without communication, it is impossible to feel alive”

We habitually say that man is a social animal. But why?

Inna Khamitova, family psychotherapist: There are many different theories on this: biological, social, psychological. From the point of view of evolution, for example, it is clear that it was simply impossible for a person to survive alone. After all, we have neither sharp teeth nor claws, and our ancestors could defeat the mammoth only by leaning all together.

Everything is more complicated in psychology; there was no clarity here for a long time. But the situation changed after the English psychoanalyst John Bowlby formulated his theory of attachment. He expressed the idea that relationships with other people are absolutely necessary for us – both for survival and for happiness.

The problem with many psychological theories is that they cannot be tested experimentally. The advent of tomographs has changed this. Psychology discovered devices and undertook to test theoretical calculations with them. And for attachment theory, the results are more than compelling.

The first group of subjects were those who did the study alone. They reported a fairly sensitive electric shock, and the device recorded excitement in the limbic system: this is an ancient area of ​​​​the brain that is responsible for fear and other basic emotions.

Participants from the second group were held by the hand by a stranger. According to their assessment, the pain was slightly weaker, and the tomography showed that their prefrontal cortex, the area of ​​control, was also activated. That is, in the presence of a stranger, they tried to control themselves and overcome the pain.

Perhaps the third group was held by the hand of acquaintances?

Yes, but the experiment was more complicated and there were four groups. Participants in the third were held by the hand of their spouses, with whom they were in a strained relationship or in the process of divorce. They felt pain much more acutely, and the tomogram confirmed this: they had much higher excitation in the limbic system than in the first two groups.

And the fourth group – those who were held by the hands of their loved ones. And they felt almost no pain: the excitation of the limbic system was minimal.

Do you understand what this means? The touch of loving and beloved people has a calming effect on our brain. We do not feel pain, and it does not seem to us, this is an objective fact recorded by devices. Of course, this is only one particular example – just a very clear and experimentally confirmed one, as science requires.

So, the presence of a loved one reduces our pain. But at a time when we are not hurt and we are safe, we still need others for some reason.

This is easier to explain in reverse. Why in the Middle Ages excommunication from the church, expulsion from the community were such terrible punishments, why even today convicted criminals are punished by imprisonment in solitary confinement? There is no physical pain here, but there is the strongest mental suffering! Because the deprivation of a society of one’s own kind is social death.

Other people are our habitat, without them we are like fish without water. In order for our being to be not only a physical existence, we must meet its confirmation from others, receive their messages: “I see you”, “I hear you”, “you are significant to me”.

Is this the kind of social “stroking” that Eric Berne, the creator of transactional analysis, writes about?

Yes, they are. Psychologists have done a lot of communication. Berne talks about the need for physical contact with other people, that is, literal pats, hugs, or pats on the back, for example, that we can only get from others.

Abraham Maslow, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, also writes about the need for recognition. There are two levels in his “pyramid of needs” that are clearly related to communication: the need for “belonging”, a sense of community with others, and the need for recognition and approval. But if you look closely, then all other needs imply interaction.

A little lower is the level of “protection and security” – and we just talked about this. And higher is “knowledge”—how far is it possible without teachers? Recognition in the team is one of the life goals that most of us, except for the already completely asocial types, are trying to achieve. In this case, the methods can be different – for someone it is a car, an expensive watch, something that everyone will see at once. And someone makes a discovery that ten people in the world can appreciate, but for him these are important people.

That is, it is important for us to receive praise, to amuse pride?

Absolutely not necessary. Praise is nice, of course. But from people whose opinion we listen to, we are ready to accept criticism. What is important here is not so much whether we are criticized or praised, but that we are discussing our common cause, which we are busy with. We strive to improve in it and consider this matter important for us and for others.

This is what makes life meaningful, and we can get this meaning only in mutual exchange with other people. When we unite with those with whom we are connected by common interests, aspirations, ideas about life, a synergistic effect arises: together we are not a sum, we are not even just something more.

One plus one is not two, but “green and round”: here there is not an increase in quantity, but a change in quality. A new quality appears that nourishes, “charges” all participants in the process.

And this is something without which one cannot be happy?

I will answer the question with a question: can you be happy without feeling alive? You can do without joint activity, without communication, but without this it is impossible to feel truly alive. Happiness is related to love. And you can only know that I love if there is someone I love. But love does not belong to me or him, it arises between us.

Only through mutual reflection and penetration with others do I understand something deep in myself. We get to know ourselves through other people. This is not only about romantic relationships, it’s about friendship, creativity, communication. All this gives our life an individual meaning and reduces existential anxiety from the horror of death, from loneliness, from the infinity of the Universe.

When together with others we do what is important for us, this is an increase in goodness, meaning, happiness. The universe becomes more meaningful for us – and this is a different picture of the world.