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«I’m not talking to you!» — for many of us in childhood, these mother’s words could only be worse than her threatening «we’ll talk at home.» From what he heard, it became painful, sad and anxious: it was completely incomprehensible how long this boycott would last. And the worst thing is that we have learned: it is possible with us. And, as adults, they continued to tolerate such behavior from others — in particular, from partners.
Let’s immediately dot all the «i»: in the heat of a quarrel to give out to a partner everything that we think about him, recalling all his past sins, there is also nothing good. But even “to cast an icy silence”, stubbornly ignore it, is an unhealthy tactic. Furthermore: in some cases, this can turn into a real emotional abusewhich one person uses to control and manipulate another. In English, this behavior even has a separate name — «visholding«(withholding — «abstinence», «suspension»).
But why do people behave this way? There may be several reasons.
avoidance. Sometimes we start «playing silent» simply because we want to avoid conflict or don’t know what to say.
Inability to express feelings. When we ourselves do not understand exactly what we feel, or do not know how to express our emotions, visholding can be a way to show a partner that we are upset about something.
Punishment. This is a case of emotional abuse when one partner uses silence to punish the other and thus gain power over him.
By a number of signs, one can understand that it is about abuse, and not that the second partner is simply confused and does not know what to say. So, abuser and manipulator:
clearly wants to “punish” you, change you in some way, make you feel guilty and ashamed;
communicates with everyone around except you;
can be silent for a very long time — for whole days, or even weeks;
decides when to stop ignoring you;
finds «allies» for himself, enters into coalitions with others.
Research shows*that both men and women play silent music. Needless to say, such tactics are not conducive to a successful resolution of the conflict? When we want to talk with a partner about a problem, and he diligently avoids the conversation, this causes nothing but anger and irritation. And if this happens systematically, it affects our self-esteem, sense of belonging and significance.**.
“Honestly, I often do this,” admits 30-year-old Lisa. — It seems to me that the husband should guess for himself what offended me and what he did wrong. Why do I always have to chew everything?! And not only him — in general, I want others to be able to read minds. I know it’s childish, but what can you do.
But, whether we like it or not, we must speak about our feelings, desires and grievances — with words through the mouth.
HOW TO BE GOOD IN A WITHHOLDING SITUATION
One of the problems with playing silent is that many of us are «thrown» into the past by such cases: we again become small confused children who do not know how to approach their parents. This does not mean that we are to blame. But it’s up to us to do something about it.
What exactly depends on whether we are being abused or not. If, in general, relations with a partner are good, he does not try to manipulate, control and “educate” us, you can do the following.
1. Name things in your own words
You can also say: “I noticed (a) that you did not answer me / closed in on yourself. Shall we talk?» The more silence, the more difficult it is to solve the problem.
2. Use «I-statements»
When the situation is painful for us, it is easy to slide into accusations, which will only aggravate the conflict. So it’s best to talk about what’s going on, shifting the focus to your feelings and using the good old «I-statements»: «It’s very hard for me when you don’t talk to me. I’m worried and don’t know what to think. Let’s talk about what we can do about it?»
3. Acknowledge the other’s feelings
Let your partner know that his or her feelings are important to you, that you are ready to listen and open to dialogue. Try not to get defensive in the conversation and don’t rush to offer solutions right away — just listen with empathy.
4. Apologize (if any, for what)
Despite the fact that silence, as already mentioned, is an unhealthy tactic, it happens that we really hurt the feelings of a partner with our words or actions. And for that, of course, you should apologize.
5. Give your partner time to «cool off»
It happens that the interlocutor is too angry or annoyed and withdraws into himself, just so as not to say too much. In this case, it is useful to give each other a “timeout” and only then proceed to discuss the problem. However, ideally, you should learn to negotiate such pauses in a conversation in advance.
WHAT IF YOUR PARTNER IS A ABUSER?
All of the above tips are relevant only in the case of a healthy relationship. If you understand that your partner is most likely an abuser and uses silence to manipulate you, the answer in most cases is the same: you need to leave.
Here’s what to do before leaving
Seek help from a specialist — a psychologist, a psychotherapist, and if necessary — a lawyer too. You can also call the hotline for victims of domestic violence (list at the end of the article. — Prim. a row.).
Don’t be alone, enlist the support of family and friends.
Prepare «retreat routes»: think in advance where and what you will live on when you leave.
Remind yourself often of your strengths, goals, values, and that you deserve only the best.
It’s up to us to make a difference
Ending a relationship with an abusive partner is never easy. Here is what 37-year-old Sasha says: “Returning mentally back and scrolling through the history of our relationship with my husband, I understand that the first alarm bells began to sound very early. For example, even during the “candy-bouquet” period, he could leave me alone in a bar and silently leave if he didn’t like that I was too friendly with other men, and then not answer my messages or pick up the phone for several days.
And you know what? I’m used to feeling guilty. For not looking the right way, doing something wrong, not thinking there, not foreseeing desires here. Married life has become a minefield for me without me even realizing it. Sometimes I even wanted him to just yell at me — then I would at least understand what was wrong.
But no. Instead, for days on end, sometimes for weeks, I stumbled upon a blank wall of silence. My husband stopped touching me and either did not talk to me at all, or spoke in such an icy tone that I again felt like a little girl … «
“It would be better if my mother yelled at me” — this is how many adults recall situations when their parents ignored them in childhood. Perhaps it would indeed be simpler and clearer. Alas, we cannot rewrite our childhood history. But we can definitely do something so that those who are nearby do not behave this way with us right now.
Sources:
* Paul L. Witt &Jenna R. Shimkowski, A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Associations with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes.
** Nezlek, J. B., Wesselmann, E. D., Wheeler, L., & Williams, K. D. (2012). Ostracism in everyday life. Group Dynamics: Theory, Research, and Practice, 16(2), 91–104. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028029
***The organization has the status of a foreign agent