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When my eldest son Artem was 5 years old, I thought it would be nice for him to learn how to swim. When I offered to enroll him in a swimming group, I came across a strong reluctance to go there and study.
Of course, I asked: «Why?». The son replied, «Because I can’t swim.» I said: “So I write you down so that you can be taught there.”
In response, there was only a disgruntled face: after all, they are trying to force him to do what he does not want to do at all.
For some time I tried to persuade my son. I told him that swimming is good for health, that it will be great when he can stay on the water and dive into the depths. In the end, I just signed him up for the pool: I thought when he saw the water, he would want to swim himself. But it wasn’t there: he liked to flounder in the shallows, but he didn’t want to really learn how to swim.
And last summer we planned to go to the sea with the whole family. My husband and I agreed that we would discuss our trip with Artem and give him a choice: either we go to the sea, but then he goes and learns to swim, or we spend our holidays at a dacha in the suburbs. In principle, we, parents, would be satisfied with any option. But for the son to go to the sea, of course, it would be more interesting. I was sure that for the sake of such a trip, Artem would want to learn how to swim.
When they began to discuss our vacation, then by chance I told Artem that going to the sea without knowing how to swim was not the best idea. And maybe it’s better to spend this time in the country. To which Artem said that the sea is better, and that he will go to learn to swim! Hooray!
February was ending, and we planned to go at the beginning of summer, that is, there were 3 months left before the vacation. I really wanted Artem to learn to swim. But at that moment I realized the main thing that my son is ready to overcome obstacles in order to achieve his desire. And the formation of this skill became the main thing for me in that story. And as a positive side effect, Artyomka was already confidently floating on the water by the summer, he could swim a small pool on his back and knew how to dive under water. We had a great time at sea, and my son swam and dived in a mask, looking at beautiful fish and pebbles under water.
What is the secret of Artyom’s desire to learn how to swim? After all, at first he was so reluctant to do this? And how did I manage to motivate him to do what he was not going to do? There is a visual diagram of how it works:
In order for this Desire to be fulfilled, it is necessary to overcome the Obstacle. Our obstacle was to learn to swim. And if the Obstacle is successfully overcome, then the child receives the Prize — the fulfillment of his Desire, that is, a trip to the sea.
What is important in this scheme?
First, the obstacle must be within the child’s strength.
There are different obstacles for every age. Young children are one, adolescents are completely different. And the goal of the parent is to find just such a task that will not break or anger the child, but will allow him to achieve what he wants.
It happens that parents put too much obstacle to the child on the way to achieving his desire.
For example, if I told my son then that a trip to the sea would “cost” him first place in a swimming competition. What will the child feel in this case? Different emotions can arise here: resentment, anger, self-doubt, sometimes indifference. Inventing impossible obstacles, the parent destroys the child’s desire to overcome difficulties. After all, getting a prize is almost impossible.
At the same time, the obstacle should not be too simple or non-existent. When what the child wants is obtained too easily, quickly and immediately, the «taste» of achieving his desire is lost. Children who are literally bombarded with toys just like that experience satiety, boredom. After all, victory is sweet when there is a feeling that we can overcome a certain obstacle. Then we rejoice and feel a sense of satisfaction.
Secondly, the child must receive his prize.
If, after overcoming the obstacle, the child does not receive the promised and earned prize, then not the best feelings arise in his soul: resentment, disappointment, anger at himself or others.
Before promising a prize for overcoming an obstacle, a parent must assess their capabilities.
Maybe what your son or daughter wants is too expensive. Or parents, in principle, are categorically against buying such a gift that the child dreams of. And then you should not promise such a reward, but look for something that will suit both children and parents.
Thirdly, it is desirable that the obstacle and the prize are thematically related.
In my case, «learn to swim» and «go to the sea» complement each other very harmoniously. If «learning to read» were the obstacle, it wouldn’t seem so logical. Therefore, when designing an obstacle, think about how it fits in convincingly and visually with the theme of the prize.
The Wish-Hurdle-Prize scheme works very well to motivate our children. Use it correctly, and they will always have a boost of energy in order to achieve their desires and goals effectively and with pleasure.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.