Wise people do not forgive anyone, and demanding people do not forgive everyone and not immediately.

Forgiveness is the removal of claims and accusations, the cessation of resentment and anger towards the previously guilty. Forgiveness is peace. It is a peace for yourself and a declaration of peace for the one you were angry with.

Note that your forgiveness is not omnipotent. If you “didn’t forgive”, it’s not obvious that the person is worried about this, and if you “forgave”, it’s not at all necessary that the person immediately feels better after that. After all, people are quite autonomous beings, and their experiences depend not only on us, on our words and our attitude, but also on the inner position of the person himself. If the one who is guilty feels his guilt before us, then forgiveness usually reduces his feelings. However, if the experiencing person is more understanding with himself, then your forgiveness does not play a key role for him.

However, the main questions about “forgiveness” are: “Is everything to be forgiven” and “How to forgive?” We will try to answer them.

Is it always forgiving? Do you forgive everything?

The question is very complicated, because it constantly confuses two different meanings — behavioral and mental. Someone, speaking about forgiveness, thinks about his experience (“Have I forgiven or not forgiven? Has the offense gone or not?”), And someone else thinks about how to behave now (“Forgive him or not let him into the house ?»). You can forgive behaviorally, but not mentally. «Well, come on in!» (and in my heart the insult remained). You can forgive mentally, but not behaviorally. “I understand you and I’m not angry with you, but I realized that such a relationship does not suit me. We’re breaking up, don’t call me again.» Bottom line, we call it different words: behavioral forgiveness and spiritual forgiveness.

Soul Forgiveness

The wisest, most mentally healthy people do not forgive anyone in their hearts — precisely because they do not blame anyone. Forgiveness is the removal of claims and accusations, the cessation of resentment and anger … Why start claims and accusations? Why fall into resentment and anger? Wise people don’t do this, so they don’t need to forgive anyone.

Remember how the Dhammapada teaches this? «He insulted me, he hit me, he got the better of me, he robbed me.» For those who harbor such thoughts, hatred does not stop. «He insulted me, he hit me, he got the better of me, he robbed me.» For those who do not harbor such thoughts, hatred ceases. For never in this world does hatred cease with hatred, but it ceases with the absence of hatred…”

The soul of the wise is free from anger and resentment, but how to come to this? Since people do not reach the heights of spiritual development all at once, it is reasonable to set a more realistic task: do not get stuck in your grievances and accusations, forgive faster and easier. Those who work at the Distance come to this through the exercises “Not playing the Victim”, “Inner Good” and “If I Loved”. In addition, the most important point is working with the beliefs «Who owes what to whom.» The most serious and global step is the adoption of the Declaration of Acceptance of Reality.

We immediately warn you — all these methods work only for those people who are able to somehow cope with their feelings and use their minds. If you live in a different philosophy and it is impossible for you to solve such issues in a reasonable way, you prefer to turn to your unconscious and talk with your feelings, then your situation is more difficult. See articles Working with resentment, with anger. How do I forgive my husband?

However, it is not always necessary to hide one’s grievances and anger, and it is not always necessary to immediately get rid of them. The fact is that some people react only to the language of feelings. They really do not understand normal requests and calm words, and until they see tears or at least serious resentment and frustration, they do not react. So, in such cases, you need to be offended / angry, to hold an insult and forgive not immediately … If getting angry (for men) or offended (for girls) is expedient and will be useful for the prospects for good relationships, then why not?

In the film «Love and Pigeons», a man spent family money on pigeons. How angry was his wife? 4 minutes? Do you think this will give the desired result? Looks like it won’t be enough…

behavioral forgiveness

If we talk not about the soul, not about the experience, but about behavior, then here the situation turns out to be completely different.

If a person asks you for forgiveness for some trifle (like, forgive me for accidentally pushing you), then you can and should immediately forgive him and boldly expect that this person will try not to push you anymore. Total: well-mannered people forgive easily for trifles. If we are not talking about trifles, then the question becomes more difficult.

It is important to understand that “forgiveness” or “non-forgiveness” is only a tool of influence that works in some cases and not in others. So try it on: if it affects a specific person, then use it. If it doesn’t work, then don’t bother.

For some people, it is useless to forgive anything at all, because forgiving them or not forgiving them will not change anything. These are, for example, alcoholic men, or gulen men in their philosophy of life, these are girls who love only an easy life and are not familiar with what conscience is — continue the list yourself. For them, asking for forgiveness means nothing, just like your «forgiveness» or «not forgiveness.»

If sober he asked for forgiveness, and tomorrow he comes drunk again — most likely, this cannot be forgiven. Forgiveness should not become a generous accustoming to impunity, so break up. And don’t mess with people like that.

Such people can only be treated as a natural disaster — or wild animals, where only a muzzle or training works. If possible, it is better not to deal with them at all, and if you have already contacted, then just try to minimize the damage from them. Everything.

However, I want to believe that people next to you are different: smart and decent. And the more people live like people, the more important for them the attitude of other worthy people. Accordingly, the more decent people are next to you and the more authority you are for them, the more significant it is for them to ask for forgiveness from you if necessary, and, having asked, to receive. For them, it is internally important. It is your forgiveness that should not be thoughtless. That is why reasonable and demanding people do not forgive everything, not always, and certainly not immediately.

How to determine when and whom it is possible to forgive, and when — early and simply impossible? The simplest and most reliable indicator is the quality of asking for forgiveness. The more thoughtful and responsible the request for forgiveness, the faster a person can be forgiven. If a person realized his mistake, made amends, made all the necessary conclusions for the future — then what else do you need? Bottom line: reasonable people forgive guilt or offense if the other person clearly asked for forgiveness and made amends.

And when do wise people always forgive? In cases where getting angry is no longer appropriate. Indeed, if it is already pointless to continue claims and insults, if you still do not achieve anything, then why? Resentment and anger pollute the soul. Learn to keep your soul pure!

Once again, we repeat the main idea of ​​the article: to forgive is beautiful and noble. And it’s even more beautiful not to get into situations where you have to forgive, because forgiveness implies that the person is to blame for you. But why are you blaming him? It is wiser to live — in principle, without accusations, accepting people and situations as they are, making the necessary (including, if necessary, tough) decisions about people and situations, but — without offense and accusations. Just business. Then there is no need to forgive anyone.

What do you think about this? What is your experience?