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A new meeting – a new person – new questions: what to tell, what to keep silent about? Will our confessions scare him off? Will secrecy cause mistrust? When is it too early to reveal your secrets and how to make it not too late? Relationship specialist Esther Perel has the answers for us.
Should you tell a potential partner about your past? All of us, sooner or later, have to face this problem. What can be found in our personal history? Cancer, parental incarceration, sexually transmitted disease, gambling addiction, sexual or physical abuse, family suicide, special sexual preferences… The list goes on.
We all yearn for love and crave acceptance, and we’ve all been told that in order to get it, we have to be open in relationships, we have to be ourselves. But the dark side of our “I” makes us ashamed of ourselves. We feel spoiled and think we don’t deserve to be picked, hugged, and loved by someone. So how can we trust another and tell him the whole truth about ourselves?
Read more:
- How to share sexual fantasies with a partner?
It depends on what you think about who you really are. Is your story about yourself a story about how you suffered, or about how you persevered? If you emphasize your ability to survive a difficult situation, talk about the experience of overcoming and how it has become a resource in your life, then you turn your shame into power.
Also remember that the reaction to your confession may be different. For example, a story about a sexually transmitted disease will affect a potential sexual partner in a completely different way than a story about an alcoholic father.
There is no gold standard for confessions. When and how to do it? By opening up too early with a new acquaintance, you risk being judged or unwilling to deal with the difficulties that your story might create. But if you hesitate to confess, there is a risk that he will suspect you of dishonesty and hiding important information.
Read more:
- “Is it possible to talk about betrayal in a new way?”
What to think about
Evaluate the interlocutor in the light of your intuition
To what extent is he or she an established personality? How will they perceive the story, after which your story will cease to be light and romantic?
Discuss how your conversation will go
Ask your friend: “How do you make the decision to share something very important to you?” “Have you ever regretted what you told another person?”, “Do you want, at least sometimes, to tell more about yourself?”
Such questions will allow you to touch upon such points in your relationship as frankness and confidentiality in advance. You seem to be tapping the walls, figuring out where they are thinner and where they are easier to overcome.
You will quickly feel whether your interlocutor is frightened by your secrets or, on the contrary, they awaken his curiosity. Be patient if the answer is silence or restraint – perhaps this will pass later. Therefore, do not rush to comment and express regret that you even started this conversation.
However, keep in mind that for some this introduction will be enough to not want to continue the conversation. Consider it an endorsement of your secrecy. If you have been told in advance that you are not interested in continuing, you will not have to waste time thinking and doubting.
And while you’re contemplating when and what to say, remember that your partner is likely to be doing the same, because they may have their own secrets too. While we are busy thinking about our dark side, we do not always remember that we are not the only ones who have such a side.
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist who specializes in cultural and social stereotypes that influence couple relationships.