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Many lovers think about this … If a couple exists for a long time, it means that the two managed to go through the idealization of each other, which is characteristic of the beginning of a relationship, and enter the cruising course of love friendship … And how do you see the future of your relationship? To find out about this, answer the questions of the psychologist Maryse Vian.
6 questions for yourself
1. Do I still want to meet my old age next to him (her)?
2. What kind of couple do I see my parents as?
3. How would I like to grow old?
4. Will I be able to accept that my partner has lost the traits that I was once attracted to him?
5. Will I be able to support him in difficult trials?
6. What qualities do I still need from him?
What do the answers say?
1. It would seem that the question is banal. At the beginning of a relationship, the answer is often obvious: the two imagine themselves as grandparents who are still in love with each other. But time passes, and this question becomes acute, because we have already lost the illusion: the shortcomings that previously touched and aroused tenderness could become unbearable. And from that moment on, it becomes difficult to imagine yourself in 20 or 30 years with the same partner, in the same relationship.
2. Reflecting on this question, we inevitably return in time back to the origins of our personality. And so, to past suffering: did I happen to cry with my mother? Can I identify myself with her or with my father? When parents fight, children tend to unconsciously identify with the “executioner” or “victim.” This is one of those inner journeys that are necessary in our great journey of life together: sometimes it would be good to revise the “legacy chest”. It is worth taking a closer look at the partner’s parental family. She could have a very strong influence on who we live with.
A COUPLE CAN SURVIVE A LOT, EVEN INFICIENCY, IF TWO COULD HAVE ALL THESE SITUATIONS DISCUSSED AND RESOLVED IN TIME.
3. Imagine that you have already become an elderly lady or an elderly man. If such a picture, which is becoming more real and closer, is frightening, we can expect that aging will cause a crisis in a couple: the two will most likely face anxiety, infidelity (to console and calm themselves), suffering. But you can learn to face these anxieties (your own and those around you). Old age, sickness, death are taboos that harm marriage. You can tame these fears by confronting them together, either through humor or simply by developing the habit of speaking calmly about these topics.
4. First, let’s try to understand what exactly attracted us in a partner at the very beginning. If we like that others celebrate his (her) beauty, elegance or social status, it’s time to ask ourselves how we will react if she gains weight (he becomes bald), if the partner begins to earn less or lose his job. In fact, it is worth getting ready to love your partner “no matter what”, and then his previously invisible virtues will replace what seduced at the beginning. We have to move from a loving feeling to a loving duty, to overcome the external in order to discover and love the essence of another person.
About it
“For a long time. Happily. Together Alice BowmanA frank story of one married couple who was convinced from their own experience: you can save love, even if at times you hate the one who is nearby; you can save a marriage, even if it is bursting at all seams; we can understand each other and live happily together. And, if possible, for a long time (Eksmo, 2011).
5. In a long marriage, spouses inevitably experience difficulties. In times of doubt and crisis, will we be able to help our companion? We can sincerely love a partner, but at the same time know that it will not be easy for us to meet with him a serious illness, the loss of a loved one, or endure prolonged depression. By asking ourselves this question, we can assess what internal resources we have. And reality will take care to show us how much we have underestimated ourselves.
6. We fall in love with a person we don’t know at all. Gradually, over time, his true appearance, his deep properties, his weaknesses are revealed. At the same time, we will try not to lose sight of its merits, its strengths, sometimes implicit or even hidden, on which we can rely throughout our lives. There is nothing more precious than knowing the good qualities of another that we do not have. On this basis, you can build an alliance in which partners can support each other, complement each other, replace each other – in a word, be one team.
LET’S GET READY TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY AND THEN ALL THE NEW VALUES OF THE OTHER WILL CONTINUE TO BE OPENED TO US.
5 questions for two
1. If we have children (or are planning to), do we have an overall plan for raising them?
2. Is childcare our priority?
3. Will we be able to reconsider our parental contribution to their upbringing as they grow up?
4. Over the years we spent together, have we been able to learn to calmly talk about what caused us suffering? 5. Can we grow together internally? Will our union last?
What do the answers say?
1. To have children together with someone means to feel the strength in yourself to recognize a parent in another person, to see him in this role for a long time. If possible, it is always better to raise a child together and go through life together for as long as possible so that in the event of a separation, he will already be big enough. The question of raising children is part of the marital project, and it should be taken very seriously.
2. Care for the child, his interests and his education are in the foreground for us. But the child himself, under no circumstances, should be the center of the life of either one or the other parent. Otherwise, it will become a kind of compensation for relations with a partner, the third wheel in a pair. Let us ask ourselves: what kind of adult do we want to see our grown child? And we will try to harmonize our positions or accept the difference in our views.
3. First of all, we are talking about adolescence, when our children, sometimes in painful forms for us, defend their independence. During this period, we sometimes have to make adjustments to our parent project, try to come to terms with the fact that they are moving away from us, while not losing sight of their education. Spouses need to adjust their ideas about parenthood to make sure that they see many things in the same way. To be any effective, parental requirements must be consistent.
4. A couple can survive betrayal, weakness, infidelity, provided that the two could discuss and resolve all these situations in time. If we sometimes felt that the other left us in a difficult moment, or we ourselves did not behave in the best way, were we able to calmly discuss what happened with a partner later? Are we sure today that there are no omissions between us, that the unfortunate page has indeed been turned? Joint old age will be difficult if one of the spouses is constantly reopening his wounds, not allowing them to heal.
5. During our lives, we actually live several lives, create several couples. Some alliances destroyed us, others made us worse than we are. And then, perhaps, we were lucky and we lived in a couple where we had a chance to grow, become better, surpass ourselves. Is there such a dynamic in our current union? This is not about idealizing relationships, but about recognizing that each couple is created for a long time, this construction is not always stable, there are failures and failures. Of course, because any of us is far from perfection. What is important is our own path, which the other helps us to pass, the general movement forward. We can never change another person. But we can change thanks to him and with him …
Julia, 34 years old, married for six years to Evgeny, 50 years old “This conversation is just beginning!”
“My husband and I have a difference of 16 years, and the question “will we meet old age together” one way or another arises every time an important decision needs to be made. For example, we had to think for a long time on the topic of children – is it worth planning a common child? Indeed, due to the difference in age, we are forced to ask ourselves not so much about whether we are ready to live together until old age, but about whether we will have such a chance. Personally, I really hope so and constantly think about it. When my husband and I began to answer questions, we were absolutely calm: we are good together, and we never had to doubt our feelings before. We hear each other, we are used to discussing everything related to our relationship, and it seemed to me that the test results would confirm this! That is why I was surprised when it became clear that we have different views on our parent project … The differences are not fundamental, but we are unlikely to be able to easily overcome them. We didn’t even know to what extent we disagreed in matters of upbringing*. My husband said that I was not advanced enough in communicating with his daughters, I did not know how to get close to them. But one girl is now 13 years old, the other is 15, and I remember from my own experience what a dangerous age this is. I understand why I can’t relax. I expected to hear such words from my husband, but I was struck by how calmly and constructively he spoke about it. I think our conversation on this topic is just beginning! After all, now we are finally convinced that children are the main thing in our family. Although we, of course, do not forget about ourselves either.
Recorded by Elena Shevchenko
* Six months ago, a son was born to Yulia and Evgeny; Eugene also has two daughters from his first marriage.