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When we decide to have a child, today we want to do more than just start a family. From now on, the task of raising children is supplemented by the desire to preserve sexual desire in a couple, to realize their personal ambitions. Three legitimate goals that are hard to reconcile.
A well-groomed beauty in an elegant dress, an athletic man in an impeccable business suit, charming children, on whose radiant faces health, happiness and an abundance of talents are written. A frame from a modern movie fairy tale? No, the ideal of the modern family.
“I want everything at once” – this is the motto that should be inscribed on the shield of our era. In this desire not to miss anything, but, on the contrary, to connect together in order to get maximum satisfaction, and now the self-realization of each of us lies. In our own lives, as a couple and as a family, we are engaged in the implementation of such a global project, which is completely dedicated to personal growth. Our ideas combine hedonism and idealism, and all spheres of our life must meet these requirements. We build relationships and families that meet our needs and desires. If earlier we had to choose between our interests and family, today we do not want to give up anything: neither from raising children, nor from sexual attraction to a partner, nor from a career. And all these requirements are absolutely legal. It’s just that they’re not very compatible.
Project “Joint Life”
Unlike previous generations, we insist on our right to be happy. Our parents by default perceived their relationship as a set of obligations and restrictions. We don’t want that anymore. We have become richer than previous generations, and we consider happiness associated with sensual pleasures as one of the main values. Anyone who wants to deprive us of these joys will encroach on our freedom.
But what kind of happiness do we need? Enjoy or live harmoniously together? Both! We are looking for a relationship without limits that can adjust to our changing desires. We say “yes” to life together, but only in such a way that our duet does not hold back the impulses and needs of everyone. “At the moment Anton and I decided to live together, there was no question of me giving up yoga, gatherings with girlfriends, and even more so from a two-week trip to Thailand for the New Year,” says 30-year-old Karina. – Yes, and he was not going to sacrifice his personal time and football with friends on Sundays. But everything changed with the birth of her daughter, who will soon be one year old. To avoid conflicts and unjustified expectations, we have established an iron order. At night, we get up to see her in turn, and everyone should build their own schedule so that they take her to the nursery at least twice a week. About Thailand this year had to be forgotten. Anton also sometimes has to sacrifice football. We make concessions, negotiate and try to keep agreements. But if one of us feels slighted, then we quarrel!”
Agree, this description is surprisingly similar to a story about a joint business project. Emphasized respect for one’s own and others’ interests, duties, schedules, negotiations. The desire to avoid conflicts is also indicative. “Many couples believe that conflict is a sign of problems in a relationship. It is not perceived as an opportunity to develop and grow together,” notes Inna Khamitova, a systemic family psychotherapist. “In an effort to build their lives rationally, couples stifle conflicts until they lead to an explosion.” But overcoming conflicts allows you to come into contact with those qualities of a partner that radically distinguish him from us, get rid of initial illusions and build more mature relationships. But in reality, the first truly painful conflicts are increasingly followed by parting. Or the relations of the participants of the “project” are changing, becoming more detached. The demands of personal freedom for each force couples to look for new forms of union, so relationship patterns become more diverse.
Read more:
- Happy – at what cost?
Family to order
The traditional family structure – mom-dad – native children – of course, prevails, but the number of single parents and couples (hetero- and homosexual) with adopted children is also growing rapidly. At the same time, men often become fathers involuntarily, and the plans of a woman often do not include “marrying him to herself.”
“I had a relationship with a woman older than me,” recalls 33-year-old Vasily. At some point she said she was pregnant. It took me a week to digest it. I realized that she is dear to me and if she decided to give birth to my child, I must raise and educate him with her. So, I proposed to her. But he was rebuffed. And then she offered to end the relationship altogether. It turns out that she just took advantage of me in order to have a child. “When a child is an end in itself for a woman, she is not interested in a man as a partner, often she simply ignores him,” explains sexologist Tatyana Agarkova. “The reasons can be very different: both passionate “inclusion” in a child, and competitive relationships with men, and even hidden homosexuality.” However, you can do without communication with a man at all, using, for example, the services of a donor.
“Family to order” is also an increase in the number of late pregnancies. Closer to forty, those who have already fulfilled other points of the life plan give birth to a child. And age is not a hindrance here: IVF technologies and services of surrogate mothers have ceased to be exotic. Such a “late” child – desired, precious and the most important in the family – becomes the object of all kinds of worries, but, as the flip side of the coin, bears the burden of the expectations of the parents who have put all their efforts into his upbringing. Do not forget that in today’s culture, which requires us to succeed in all areas of life, the family is an extension of the ideal “I”. The child becomes a visiting card. He is obliged to show himself (and therefore us!) from the best side. Isn’t his well-being, all-round development, cheerfulness not a brilliant evidence of the success of his parents?
Between power and connivance
Another common variant of the modern family is a couple with children from previous marriages. This is also a manifestation of the desire to realize oneself in relationships: after all, we change partners in order to build a more harmonious, more “successful” family. It is no coincidence that in remarriages where there are already children, the task of avoiding conflicts is acute. “With my first husband, I just missed,” admits 42-year-old Sophia. – And we have a wonderful relationship with Anatoly, but we do not relax, we do not want the children (two 6-year-old girls and an 11-year-old boy) to sit on our necks. We try to resolve problems in the bud, we discuss them so that conflicts do not result in screams and quarrels. As long as it works.”
How to be both an authority and a friend for a child, combine intimate and family life, find time for yourself and time for everyone else? These are the main questions for modern couples, family psychologists admit. Nobody wants to hurt or hurt, and families, like individuals, are constantly looking for a way of being that would provide everyone with self-realization.
For those who raise children alone, the issue of parental authority becomes paramount. 43-year-old Natalya is raising her daughters, aged 12 and 16, alone. “It’s hard for me to find proportions. Raising children alone is tiring, even though it saves you from conflicts with your husband about parenting. For a long time I was afraid to go into conflict with the girls: they suffered enough during our divorce, so I erected a kind of protective cocoon around them, I could not say “no” to them. Yes, and I, coming home completely broken, do not want conflicts. So we have a peaceful dinner together in front of the TV.”
Read more:
- Do parents need to show a “united front”?
One, two or three?
One child
“The conception of the first child is ideally the embodiment of the love of a man and a woman,” says psychoanalyst Serge Efez. – In this case, the partners will also love the child that their relationship symbolizes. With his appearance, they become a couple in the physical sense of the word. Two opposite beginnings are combined to create a third – a child. Wanting the firstborn, we want our family to unite.”
Two children
“Having two children is a classic way to maintain a strong relationship,” says psychoanalyst Alain Valtier. – Two children allow you to build ties in the family in such a way that the mother and father feel one of the children is more “their own”, without abandoning the other. It’s a balance that can last a long time.”
Three children
“The third child reinforces the established way of the family, after all, couples with three children part only rarely,” notes psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova. – The birth of a third child clearly determines the priority of the interests of the family for partners when planning the budget and allocating time. An unconscious “conspiracy” arises: the husband is satisfied that the wife is taking care of the children, and she defines the role of the mother as defining for herself.
The cult of harmony
No shouting, aggression, quarrels. A harmonious family life is Zen. Everything is calm, smooth, everyone is smiling. This is a new “creed”, a philosophy of life in which well-being is too often understood as the suppression of negative emotions. Psychoanalyst Serge Hefez warns against excessive love, believing that overprotective families become “the most difficult trap for children to get out of. When sentimental love is at the forefront in a family, an indivisible bond takes the place of relationships. This means that everyone lives in complete dependence on the feelings of others and to the detriment of their emotional autonomy, and the differences between generations are blurred. “But the personality of the child is formed precisely as a result of the upbringing that his parents give him,” insists psychoanalyst Claude Almos (Claude Halmos). “That is what allows him to become a civilized person, that is, a being that is driven not only by instincts and his own pleasure.” Setting limits, introducing restrictions, accompanying a child through life, gradually separating from him – this is education. And this is what has become an almost impossible task for adults striving for “zen” in the family. “Many parents experience anxiety, do not trust themselves,” notes Inna Khamitova. “They are terrified of the slightest discord and easily lose ground when a child is in a crisis.”
Parents who “fell into childhood”
Parental uncertainty falls on children all the more heavily because the line separating adults from adolescents is very thin today. “In our society, teenagers are admired, so that adults are increasingly on the same side as their children, share their desire for pleasure,” states Serge Efez. And his anxiety is understandable: after all, common claims mean the erosion of foundations, the destruction of hierarchy and rivalry.
Mothers and daughters exchange clothes and secrets, fathers and sons spend hours playing computer games. And if in movies or in advertising these scenes are touching, in real life they give rise to anxiety in teenagers. Children least of all want to deal with parents who play “young”.
Allowing it to develop without limiting it in any way is another way to save yourself from worries. “Leaving the child completely to himself, we thereby waive our responsibility as parents,” recalls Inna Khamitova.
Very often, fearing mistakes, we do not take any risks.
But restrictions, conflicts, and disappointments are a necessary part of relationships and family life. And they are also effective incentives for the development of our children. Yes, and for our development too.