The loss of one’s spouse is an earthquake, a shock that obliterates everything, which dislocates. An immeasurable pain that must be overcome to rebuild.

From married one becomes widower. From a couple, one becomes single. We can speak of two pains, that of the loved one who has disappeared and that of the couple that we formed. According to the psychiatrist Christophe Fauré, there is me, there is you and there is a third entity, the us. The other is absent, the house is deserted, we no longer share everyday things with our life companion.

With the death of the loved one, part of our identity. There remains a field of ruins and the pain which is rekindled even more each time we find ourselves alone, at dinner, at bedtime. Anger and sadness sometimes reach such intensity, far beyond what one would have thought possible. The death of a spouse or life partner is the death of the love of our life… the person we could always count on to support us physically and emotionally. It is also the loss of the physical contact that had become a normal part of your daily life. From now on, it is the reign of “never again” that feeds the pain.

Grief is the natural and normal response to loss. It is often seen as emotions, between loneliness and sadness. In fact, grieving is much more complex. It affects you on all levels, emotionally, cognitively, socially, spiritually, and physically.

During the first six to twelve months after the fatal crash, people are more vulnerable to disease. According to medical experts, people overwhelmed by grief are more likely to be involved in an accident because they are concerned about their grief. The immune system is working full blast, and there’s a good chance that exhaustion is a permanent fixture. It’s how the body reacts to trauma. It is important to listen to it. You might suffer from insomnia, just as you might want to spend your day in bed. You might feel nauseous and stop eating, just as you might be starving and devouring everything you have on hand. Make sure you eat well and rest during the first days of your grief. This is not a scoop, when we are in mourning, the missing person monopolizes all our thought. This concentration problem could cause memory lapses. Compared to those who were not grieving, subjects who lost their spouse six months previously had more difficulty remembering the details of a story, right after hearing it or after an interval.

Often times, the death of a wife or husband radically changes the world as you lived it until your spouse left. As a writer, Thomas Attig has pointed out, you have to “relearn your world”. Everything changes, sleeping, cooking, eating, even watching TV, are now very different things once you are alone.

Activities or chores, once shared, events you and your partner have anticipated, graduation ceremonies, the birth of grandchildren, and other special occasions, must now be attended to on their own. The world becomes a different and more lonely place. Now you have to learn to live on your own, to make decisions on your own. It is therefore essential that you organize yourself so as not to be overwhelmed.

The relationship with friends will also change, your couple friends are in a relationship and even if they show you attention, you are now widowed, in a world full of pairs … You will need time to get used to this news identity. Some couples that you saw with your partner may take a distance and over time no longer invite you. You will find that the risk, as a widower, is to be excluded from the social life of other couples. Free, available to others, you have become a bit of a “threat” to them.

The tragic death of your partner and the untimely end of your relationship will always be a source of grief. If you are afraid to make room for healing because you fear it will make you forget your spouse, know that you will never forget them.

You will always have precious memories of him, of you, just as you will always regret the years of happiness that you will never have the chance to live with him.

Over time, however, your fond memories will help you rebuild. This reconstruction involves the expression of your emotions. Above all, do not bully them but share them, write them, not to get rid of them but to transform them. Do not hesitate to talk about your life partner, to tell about his personality. Share your most precious memories.

Do not cut ties with your friends but make others by signing up for example in painting lessons, chess workshops, take an interest in the people around you in the professional field, etc.

You will then discover that one can live, love, make new projects, while remaining in a sad experience linked to the absence of his spouse. Reinvest yourself in life by taking care of yourself, especially your sleep. Organize rituals, they help you regain control of your life, to recover: go for a walk every morning before going to work, write your little pleasures in a gratitude journal before going to bed to report on your advances. Reconnect to the positive.