Why you shouldn’t ask «Why?»

Mike didn’t understand what was happening to him. He was a successful man, but he did not know how to build relationships. Communication with colleagues was superficial and limited to work issues, and if he tried to keep the conversation on other topics, he seemed strange and stupid to himself.

Things were no better at home. The relationship with his wife was reduced to a discussion of their teenage children and their problems at school. At the same time, most of the time he did not know what the children were doing and with whom they were spending time. Mike did not understand what was happening in marriage, but he constantly felt lonely both at home and at work.

He decided to change something in his life and, as a person with an analytical mindset, began to ask questions. They began with the word «Why?». It seemed logical to understand why people do what they do. He hoped that this would help restore mutual understanding, but the effect was the opposite. Then he turned to a psychotherapist for help in order to understand what was wrong with the desire to get to the bottom of the reasons for something. He wanted to learn how to improve relationships with colleagues and loved ones.

1. This question sounds like an accusation

“Why did you do that?” “Why did you say that?” “Why are you so angry?” “Why are you overreacting?” Answers begin with the words «Because», this puts the answerer in a defensive position, as if he has to justify himself and explain his behavior. Behind the question of reasons is the assumption that a person did or said something bad, wrong, and this needs to be explained. When we start pestering with such questions, it is as if we put ourselves on a step higher and from this height we ask the “unreasonable” interlocutor a question. Use these questions with extreme caution.

2. In what situations is a question harmful?

When this question is used in a relationship, it pushes loved ones away. It seemed to Mike’s wife that by asking her such questions, he was treating her like a child, and not like an equal partner. The children felt that their father was interrogating them, and they hated having to explain every action. Colleagues thought that he was asking such questions because he considered them incompetent specialists. And although Mike wanted to understand other people, and not offend, it turned out the opposite.

3. In what situations is a question useful?

Sometimes such a statement of the question may be appropriate. For example, investigators and lawyers use similar questions when questioning witnesses and defendants. The point is to make a person defensive, get more information, make a mistake and say something unnecessary. Even in personal relationships, there are times when it’s worth using a question if a confrontation is needed to make a difference.

4. How to understand the reason without asking this question

There are many options to understand the meaning of words or actions of people. “I don’t understand what happened, please explain?”, “Help me understand what you mean?”, “I can see that you are upset, can I help you with something?”, “You are always so caring and understanding that now you are so angry?”, “I feel that this is very important for you, can you tell me more?”

These questions and statements satisfy the desire to find out why a person did or said something, but does not force them to defend themselves. If you want to strengthen relationships, this method is better than asking “Why?”.

Mike stopped asking why someone did or said something and started using alternatives. At first it was difficult for him to readjust, he had to think every time how to formulate the question. But over time, he developed this skill, which helped him significantly improve relationships in the family and at work.