Contents
Why you should never leave someone on WhatsApp
Couple
Avoiding a face-to-face breakup hinders the grieving process that we must go through after this
When Carrie, the protagonist of “Sex and the City”, wakes up one day and sees that her boyfriend has broken up with her with a message in a post-it (The note in question: “Sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me”), his great friends They point out, not only how cowardly it is to leave someone like this, but how little class you have to have to cut a relationship that way.
But, as laughable as it may seem that someone leaves us with a post-it, or as much as we are not the protagonists of a romantic comedy, surely we have ever faced something similar: has left us, or we have left someone, on the phone or, much worse, according to the
Modern times, we have found out that we are no longer in a relationship through WhatsApp.
Although there are times when it is the situation that forces us to end a relationship in this way (a long distance relationship, this time of confinement …) when it is not like that, what we find ourselves is facing a avoidance mechanism. “This type of rupture can be a more than logical alternative for those people with a more avoidant coping style, those who try to avoid the conflict and who need more control over the situation,” says Silvia Cintrano, psychologist, sexologist and director of the Couple Therapy Unit of the Centta Institute, which explains that, in this situation, the time that is going to be devoted to this interaction depends on one, being able to end it at any time. “There is also a physical distancing from the other person, so possible reactions are not something for which one should take responsibility,” he adds.
The importance of face to face
On the other hand, when it comes to breaking up with someone, our maturity plays an important role, because, as Luz Marina Díaz-Flores, psychologist at Alcea Psicólogos explains, facing such a fact implies a pain that is hardly bearable for someone immature. “When we speak of immaturity in this case, we are not referring to evolutionary age, but rather to the ability to take responsibility for our emotional life and the effects that we can produce on others ”, points out the professional.
Ruth González Ousset, a sexologist, psychotherapist and couples therapist, explains that today’s society suffers because we try to avoid feeling, although the only thing that “heals” us is being able to connect with our emotions. «Imagining ourselves in a face to face where the other person looks us directly in the eyes, for many people is something unthinkable, because they would feel very vulnerable and it is what they try to avoid “, says the professional.
The role of technologies
Although, due to current communication models, based on written communication, such as emails or instant messages, it seems that this type of “telematic breakdowns” are more common among younger people, it does not have to be the case. «More than the age of a person, these breakups have more to do with coping style and the maturity of the person who is breaking up than with the age or the level of commitment of the relationship ”, points out Silvia Cintrano. «The fear of vulnerability does not understand gender or age. We are emotionally color blind! ”Says Ruth González Ousset.
Another point made by Luz Marina Díaz-Flores is that, due to the digitization that our relationships suffer, this way of ending them can be encouraged. «To the extent that people are immersed in a relationship market, the person can be constantly comparing, and that comparison can also distort the rupture itself. It doesn’t mean anything, “he says.
Avoidance takes its toll
In a way, as complicated as it may be to deal with the moment of a breakup, doing it in person is an exhealthier experience for those involvedAs Silvia Cintrano points out, “more careful and respectful than indirectly, regardless of the duration of the relationship and the age of the couple.” And if, normally, the experience is always worse for the person they leave, in the event that it is through a text message, this difficulty increases. “This way it is much more painful, it slows down starting the duel and there are even people who are left behind and feel more guilt thinking about what they will have done wrong to not deserve a face-to-face breakup,” explains Ruth González Ousset.
Likewise, the Centta Institute psychologist comments that, for the person left behind a break, it will always be a surprise, even if there are signs, “and that coldness that transmits doing it by message or by a phone call makes grief management difficult». “A quick conversation, especially if it is through a chat, does not repair the bond or the emotional impact in the same way that a hug, a gesture or a presence would do,” he says. Luz Marina Díaz-Flores adds the idea that the person who has been left in this way, “will possibly be more hurt in their privacy, for not being able to give meaning to the feeling of abandonment.”
For all this, the distance, or the way to close a stage without living the process in front of another person, makes it more difficult for us to manage the process that we must go through. Ruth González Ousset comments that the only “healthy” way to manage a break is by being able to connect with nine stages that occur during grief, in this case of a sentimental relationship: denial, rationalization, anger, fear, sadness, emotional acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude and new attachments. “Whoever wants to skip any of these stages will continue dragging the break,” says the professional.
The break, reflection of our self
Even so, Silvia Cintrano gives a positive view of this situation, since a break shows the level of maturity and coping style of the person who ends the relationship: “Sometimes, the other party has developed it in that more indirect way and little mature generates a “relief”, since if he has not been able to face the breakup in a more respectful or assertive way, it could be indicative of the coping that he had had in other couple decisions ».
To finish, Ruth González Ousset recommends, if we have experienced a break of this style, try, in one way or another, to say goodbye to that person. “We can only close the wound when the person has been able to say goodbye and has been able to connect with the emotions that occur in the grieving process.” In the end, a break is always complicated, no matter how it occurs. Therefore, Luz Marina Díaz-Flores concludes with the idea that, in the end, how we manage the rupture «will depend on the strengths and mechanisms that the person can deploy to be able to reconstituteregardless of how they left you.