More and more people agree that raising a hand to a partner or “raising” a child with a belt is unacceptable. And this is definitely a step forward. But at the same time, insults and emotional humiliation are still often considered a necessary element of education. We explain why verbal aggression is an absolute evil.
The boy is eight years old. A man looms over him menacingly, probably his father. The boy’s knees are torn to blood, there are dirt and tears on his cheeks. A broken smartphone is lying on the sidewalk. The man screams with all his might: “Are you completely stupid? How many times have I told you not to run and play around when you have my phone in your hands! This is not a toy. Will you obey or not? Look what you’ve done!»
The boy doesn’t answer, his shoulders shaking. A woman comes out of the bank, sees the phone: «Well done, ruined our Saturday.» Picking up what is left of the phone, she turns to the man: “There is a workshop nearby. Let’s go in and see if there’s anything we can do.» The man hugs his wife, they leave, the boy trudges after them.
Just do not say that this is a necessary educational moment and the anger of parents is justified
These adults are emotional abusers. You will say that the smartphone is expensive and perhaps the boy’s father needs it for work, but this does not justify his behavior. Do not insult others, especially children.
Of course, children should be responsible for their actions, but you can always find other ways to punish. And it is completely unacceptable to regret a broken phone, not paying attention to the broken knees of a child.
Research shows that verbal misbehavior, which has long become epidemic, is due to the fact that many do not see the difference between emotional speech and verbal aggression. And the difference is in intentions: verbal abuse devalues, manipulates, hurts, intimidates, causes feelings of guilt, humiliates. And if, hearing someone chastise someone, you justify the behavior of the abuser, you are no better.
Five Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Support Verbal Aggression
1. Verbal abuse is bad for physical and mental health.
It has been scientifically proven that verbal aggression is harmful to the developing brain of a child and causes changes in its structure. Due to psychological immaturity and poorly developed defense mechanisms, children do not doubt the veracity of everything that is said about them. And when offensive words are spoken by an authoritative adult, for example, one of the parents, their influence on the child is enormous.
2. Verbal aggression is perceived as the norm
If a child has been emotionally abused and his emotional needs are not being met, he will usually grow into an adult who accepts verbal aggression as normal. Such people suffer from emotional deafness, can hurt others and do not see anything wrong in hurtful words.
Often they continue to try to earn the love of their parents and try not to notice what and how these parents say. “I took it for granted, because this is my mother,” recalls 34-year-old Maria. “Until one day she attacked my ten-year-old daughter. It was only then that I suddenly realized: what has been happening all my life is wrong, it should not be like that.
Such emotional deafness accompanies people throughout their lives, and they are like a magnet drawn to abusers.
“The first husband ruthlessly ridiculed my opinion if it differed from his own. And sometimes he just demanded that I close my mouth, 50-year-old Anna recalls. He devalued my abilities. Both he and my mother said I was «too sensitive». The psychotherapist saved me: he explained that ridicule and humiliation have nothing to do with love. It was a revelation for me.»
Many are hesitant to admit that all this is a form of abuse, although abusers call it parenting or “necessary behavior correction” when it comes to communicating with a child. When they communicate with adults, they often disguise offensive words as a joke that they allegedly misunderstood. They masterfully shift the blame to the «too sensitive» victim. And the victim begins to doubt whether it is an abuse. So, this is an abuse.
If you’re told that offensive words are just «the merciless truth,» don’t be fooled. The truth doesn’t hurt.
3. We forget that we can offend without words.
Abuse is different. You can boycott a person, ignore his questions, show dismissive behavior: roll your eyes or taunt. These are all manipulation tactics to make the other feel worthless.
4. We discount the pain and experience of the victim.
Many people compare verbal and physical abuse and allow themselves remarks like: “It’s good that he didn’t beat you” or “Well, it’s okay, he shouted and stopped.” It is very difficult for a person who has become a victim of verbal aggression to hear this.
As a rule, people who have been emotionally abused, especially in childhood, suffer from a whole range of problems: low self-esteem, distrust of others, inability to control emotions.
Try not to say, «What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,» even if you really think so.
5. Making excuses for abusers gives us less control over our behavior.
Not all people intentionally insult and manipulate others. But from time to time, each of us says something unfair, evil, offensive and humiliating. In addition, bad manners are contagious: if people around us show verbal aggression, it is likely that our behavior will become toxic. Therefore, it is important to analyze our speech: to assess what exactly we say under the influence of stress or anger. And if they said something offensive, do not make excuses, but apologize.
Verbal aggression should never be justified under any circumstances.
About the Author: Peg Streep is a publicist and author of 11 books on family relationships.