Why women confuse sex and care

He wanted her — she sees him as the father of her children. He wanted her — she believes that he now owes something. He wanted her — she plans a joint old age.

“He and she can change places, but in my practice there are more cases when a man wants sex, and a woman wants care,” says clinical psychologist Irina Gross. “The problem is that both do not understand the difference, are not aware of their needs, are not responsible for their needs and behavior.”

Sex is the satisfaction of arousal. Caring is thoughts, actions and feelings aimed at the well-being of another, the expert explains. Sex in today’s realities may not continue in a relationship, and the well-known joke «Sex is not a reason for dating» has become a reality. Today it is more entertainment, a game whose rules are known to adults.

In addition, ideas about morality have changed a lot since the time of our grandparents and parents. Sexuality has ceased to be something forbidden, secret, intimate, both for men and women. That is why today it is important to be able to distinguish between manifestations of sexuality and caring.

Feelings and aftertaste from the first sex in life and the first sex with a specific partner are different. You might think that for a man the moment of intercourse is not as serious and epoch-making as for a woman. But it’s not. How to understand the difference and recognize in time that a joint happy old age is not worth waiting for?

«First time» as the discovery of America

If we are talking about the first sex in life, then, of course, it is important for both partners. “The first experience is accompanied by strong emotions, therefore it is imprinted and becomes, in a sense, the foundation on which the next experience rests,” says Irina Gross. If the first experience was unsuccessful, it is unlikely that a person will be able to be free, spontaneous and enjoy «at full capacity» in the future. This often requires the help of a psychologist or sexologist.

One client of Irina compared this event with the discovery of America by Columbus. “For a boy, this is a seal on the forehead that you are a man, that you are no longer a boy. You are now a winner. And even if you do not have a mustache and beard, you feel how they grow. You start to look down on your peers and talk about sex from the point of view of an experienced, not a green youth, ”the client shared.

When we talk about the first sex with a specific woman, then the reaction of a man depends on the situation. “If he liked her, if he looked after her, tried to please her, put in some effort to conquer her (no matter how trite it may sound), then for him sex is a victory and recognition of his dignity,” explains Irina Gross.

And it is likely that his awareness of himself as a conqueror will be replaced by a sense of responsibility and care, he will want to build something together. But often sex is spontaneous, random, when both understand that they do not owe each other anything.

Then for a man this is an adult game — it brings pleasure and positive emotions that remain as pleasant memories. But the desire to take care and be responsible for the relationship, as a rule, does not arise.

To be continued?

But does it happen that “just sex” turns into something more? And how to understand when one series can turn into a series, and when you need to stop in time and not wait for the continuation?

“Just sex” can continue if in the process both participants realize that something more is emerging between them, Irina Gross believes.

One of her clients really liked the man, and she wanted to build a relationship with him, she dreamed that he would become the father of her children. But she did not dare to admit it, because this man did not at all correspond to her ideas about the ideal partner: not so handsome, not so smart, not so rich.

“She didn’t know herself at all, her needs, her tastes. She didn’t know what traits excite her, what manifestations of her partner’s character bring her joy. He, in turn, also wanted to be with her, but did not dare to divorce his wife, with whom he had two children. Therefore, between them there was «just sex» for three years. It was actually a relationship where everyone suffered.»

“And don’t forget to ask yourself, first of all, if you really want to continue,” says the psychologist. — I would not advise waiting and looking for a meeting. It is better to openly show interest, initiative and see what comes out of it.”

But why do many women sincerely believe that one night is the beginning of something more? Are such expectations always a tribute to old-fashioned attitudes or neglected infantilism? This can happen for various reasons, says Irina Gross. If you accumulate customer experience, you can deduce three main reasons.

• She really liked the man, but she does not want to admit that there is no desired response from him, and their relationship is just a pleasant game.
• She has self-esteem issues. She considers herself a goddess, and any man who wants her should worship her. And every time a woman is upset if this does not happen.
• She needs relationships, security, acceptance, human warmth, but at the same time she is unconsciously afraid of such relationships. Self-deception begins. Sex without obligations in this sense becomes the safest way out: it seems that they exchanged warmth and affection, but so, a couple of times, not seriously. A woman chooses exactly those men with whom sex does not develop into a relationship. At the same time, she is offended, hopes, swears, but she herself is completely unprepared for something more serious.

“In all cases, we see that the girls were not aware of what they wanted,” explains the psychologist. It is our needs that guide us through life. But this is our responsibility: no one can guess what we want. We have to figure it out ourselves.»

Shadow of father and mother

Sometimes we try to satisfy some other need through sex. Lack of affection and dislike by parents in childhood, a sense of security that did not exist then — all this manifests itself in bed. We seem to be patching up holes and gaps made in our souls many years ago. How to understand what we are really looking for in a partner, and honestly admit it to ourselves?

“I like the method of exclusion,” says Irina Gross, “If there is care, acceptance, and communication in your life, you are loved, you like yourself, then sex becomes an adult game. If something is missing in life, and sex is your open door (it is easy for you to enter into sexual relations), then you will compensate for this lack of something through sex — this is how the psyche works. She follows the path of least resistance, looking for where to feed herself. Through sex, of course, you can compensate for your needs, but this is a curved, tortuous path that does not always lead to where a person wants to go.

By what signals can you understand that you are not having sex with your partner, but something else? Here it makes sense to analyze your sexual fantasies (and everyone has them, some are very bold).

“It happens that a man fantasizes about how he becomes small and attaches to a large chest, or he languishes from the expectation of punishment, spanking,” the psychologist explains. “Or a woman shaves her head baldly, imagines how she wets the bed. This is the need to feel like a baby, and it can be fulfilled in other ways, without involving a sexual partner. Hidden in such fantasies is a desire to act out the parent-child relationship.

Explore yourself

Are there any rules for good sex — without illusions and unjustified expectations? It is unlikely that there will be such, because sex is creativity, spontaneity, impulse. For some, this is a game. And everyone has their own rules. If sex becomes an instrument of manipulation and attracting attention, it is worth finding another way, says Irina Gross.

But if there are no rules for good sex, how can you improve your sex life? This can be done through the development of one’s own sexuality, the expert believes.

“Sexuality is a way to speak to the world, to express yourself as a person of a particular gender; it is knowledge about oneself, a way to know oneself; it is an inner need to contact; it is a sphere in which internal movements, manifestations of character become clear, visible and understandable.

Finally, sexuality is a source of energy. It is through the sexual sphere that one can easily discover the real one. What am I? Open and contact or restrained and closed? Do I become attached to a partner or depersonalize him, preferring variety? Can I enjoy myself or do I definitely need a partner? Am I shy and shy or free and proud? Do I like to submit or dominate? Do I know how to prolong pleasure, postpone it, or do I need everything at once? Do I allow myself to show aggression, and not just tenderness?

To better understand yourself, the expert suggests answering honestly a few questions:

• What is sex for me?
• Do I know myself?
• What I like?
• What turns me on?
• Can I speak openly about my desires to my partner?

By honestly answering these questions and observing ourselves, we can formulate our needs, separating «childish atavisms» from adult desires. We can expand the horizons of our own sexuality so that it becomes an effective way to develop our personality.

All customer stories are published with their permission.