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Prudent, attentive, caring – it would seem that one can only dream of such a person. So why, after a date with him, we do not call back, disappear from the radar and say to our friends about him: “He is so good, but …”?
Such behavior seems strange, but many people whose previous relationships have been rollercoaster or who have been dating emotionally unavailable partners for a long time do this.
With a new companion, they feel calm, safe, but somehow everything is too insipid, boring, predictable. So that you want to say: “I’m sorry, dear, but …” Why is this happening?
Our brain is used to “emotional stress”
Emotional swings, powder keg, pins and needles – this is how we feel in an unhealthy relationship. We form toxic patterns: we wait for the next surge of emotions, and any – both positive and negative, and if we don’t get it, we get bored with a partner.
Usually this pattern of behavior is formed in childhood, if we are raised by unavailable or emotionally unstable and unpredictable parents. Such relationships seem to us the true love that we are looking for all our lives (until we realize the problem and, ideally, do not go to therapy).
We lack the element of unpredictability
Secrets, omissions, hints, broken promises are an integral part of an unhealthy relationship. The ideal partner cannot give all this: he or she does not beat around the bush, does not hesitate to talk about feelings, does not leave you guessing.
Such a person:
- consistent in what he says and does;
- dependable and approachable, both emotionally and physically (he always has time for us);
- speaks honestly and openly about his desires;
- attentive to the needs of others.
And such stability and predictability is read as the absence of real feelings, passion, that same connection. It seems to us that there is simply “not our” person next to us. But the problem is not with him or her, but with us. And the best thing we can do is not to cut in the bud, but to slow down and try to understand ourselves.
Healthy relationships – what are they?
As we get used to the roller coaster of toxic relationships, we begin to think that this is what true love is all about. When you do not know for sure what will happen tomorrow, you are not sure whether your partner loves you or not.
This is not true. In a normal, healthy relationship:
- partners are ready to admit mistakes and apologize, value each other and their union, and this is more important for them than proving their case;
- they talk about everything openly – there is no need to hint at desires or hide your pain, it is easy to be honest and open, because you and your partner are one team;
- a balance is maintained between intimacy and independence: both of you feel good both together and apart, you have both common and your own interests. You are not one, but two people who love each other;
- there is trust – no one suspects anyone of anything, no one “asks” from anyone to meet friends or go somewhere for the weekend. You do not doubt yourself or your partner;
- you both have fun – not 24/7, but you enjoy spending time together. When we are good with ourselves, we are confident in ourselves, we are just as good with a calm, self-confident and loving partner (and such a person appears quite quickly in life).
If we constantly need confirmation that we are good and significant, we become dependent on the emotional outbursts that toxic relationships provide.
So if it seems to you that the new partner is somehow too ideal, that something is wrong with him, something is missing, everything is too insipid, do not rush to conclusions: perhaps if you work through your problems, it will turn out that this is the same person with whom you can live life, and live happily ever after.