Contents
Many of us have high expectations of ourselves and our lives. And while we see perfection as an end in itself, we create a life that we cannot fully enjoy. We live this way ourselves and teach our children the same. Growing up, they also cannot enjoy life and feel simple human happiness. How do we turn children into perfectionists and what to do about it?
Perfectionism is an excessive desire for perfection in everything: in thoughts, words, actions, behavior and life in general. The perfectionist sets himself excessively high, unrealistic goals and, when he does not achieve them, perceives this as a personal loss.
The “seeds of perfectionism” are sown in each of us. As a rule, we do not think about it and raise our children in the same way as we were raised.
School: transcend perfection
School is a place where excellence triumphs. The school shapes the mindset of children in which they strive to surpass excellence. The grading and points system is not designed for teachers, but rather for the students themselves – so that they know “their place”, so that they constantly answer the question: how good are you?
Ask teachers who their favorites are – most likely, these are excellent students, exemplary and diligent. They predict a great future. Our education system encourages the pursuit of excellence.
It is believed that the closer the child is to the ideal, the more chances he has for a better life in the future.
And parents support this idea, willingly acting as a “punitive body”, checking the diary, monitoring homework, comparing their child’s progress with the success of his classmates.
Our world is a world of competition. We believe that in order to succeed in it, it is important to be as close to perfection as possible. We instill obedience, teach children to “behave normally in public.”
We break our child by resorting to the carrot and stick method, rewarding socially approved behavior with bonuses and care, suppressing and punishing unwanted actions. And others consider it possible to praise parents for the exemplary behavior of children.
Since parents are the most important and precious thing in a child’s life, he will try his best to fit in and live up to parental expectations. Perfectionism gives him the right not to be rejected, the right to love, recognition and respect.
THE MAIN TRAP OF PERFECTIONISM
Studies show that those who strive for excellence from childhood achieve less than others. It’s all about a cycle of unattainable goals and negative consequences. Parents, without knowing it, teach the child to set such goals: to be better, to try harder, to study better.
If the child does not achieve the goal, he begins to feel like a failure, his self-esteem drops. His condition can cause a syndrome of increased anxiety or even depression.
A perfectionist thinks that if he tries harder next time, he will succeed. This way of thinking restarts the cycle and inevitably leads to a new failure and negative consequences. Perfectionism is a wheel that won’t stop turning on its own. But it is in our power to stop this running in circles.
HOW TO SAVE YOUR CHILD FROM PERFECTIONISM
In order for children not to suffer from this way of thinking, first of all, parents themselves need to get rid of perfectionism. If you notice that your child is trying too hard, is constantly dissatisfied with the result, and is unnecessarily demanding of himself, ask yourself how you imposed this behavior on him and what fear is behind your perfectionism.
As a rule, this is the fear of disapproval, punishment, condemnation, the fear of not being good enough. All this pushes us to super efforts. We need to gain strength and face this fear. There is an easy way to do this: intentionally do what you are afraid of (maybe not once, but again and again). Ask someone close to express disapproval of you, criticize you, point out your disadvantages.
Understand that this is not as scary as you thought that you can overcome it.
Realize that you are no longer the little child who was once afraid of parental dislike or punishment. After doing this, you will feel that many years of tension are releasing you.
Soon, imperceptibly for yourself, you will be freed from perfectionism, from the duty to be perfect. You will feel like a free person, you will release a large amount of energy and strength that you can direct in the right direction.
By understanding this, you can help your child by pushing fears and insecurities away from him. Do what you are afraid of, tell your child about it. Talk about your feelings so that he can tell you about his own. Be ready to hear it.
Both you and your child are far from perfect, and there is nothing to worry about. It is our imperfections that underlie our uniqueness and individual value. Give your child the right to be imperfect, which means the opportunity to be free and enjoy life.
About the Developer
Lilia Kim coach, psychologist, psychoanalyst.