It would seem that what could be more obvious than the difference between care and violence? But many of us find it difficult to recognize it in relationships, including with ourselves. How to stop this and make room for true love, explains narrative consultant Ekaterina Zhornyak.
Many people feel that they are too bad to be cared for or loved. And that’s not true. It seems to them that before just living, being different, experiencing happiness, they need to fix something. And this is also a scam! How is such a painful trap created and how to get out of it?
Some real life situations
Marina’s husband does not take part in the care of their five joint children, criticizes her a lot and sometimes beats her. She can’t find the strength to leave. It often seems to her that she deserved it, and since this happens to her, it means that she is so bad that hardly anyone will treat her better.
Oleg lives in a rooming house. He was left alone, lost his apartment, unsuccessfully taking a mortgage. It seems to him that he himself ruined his life and hardly deserves a good attitude.
Natalia works hard, hardly eats, improves herself in every way, spends 28 hours a week on training. Sometimes she cuts herself with a razor. And recently she was not given a promotion, and on this day she tried to kill herself. It seems to her that she is not good enough and she does not succeed, that she can be loved only when she fixes everything.
Mikhail did not come to the deal he had been working on for 10 years: he switched the phone to silent mode and got drunk. As a result, he lost business. He is in despair, but in a strange way he feels that now, finally, everything is in its place, this is his real life, this is the real him. Alcohol, drugs… over time, everyone will leave him alone, he will quietly disappear, and, Mikhail thinks, that’s right.
One of the authors of narrative therapy, Michael White, believed that the reason why people engage in destructive relationships or self-destructive behavior is because of the violence they have experienced before. Or in its incorrect interpretation, when violence is not called violence, but is understood and interpreted as proof of the “badness” of the one directed at.
This understanding of violence is created by those who commit it, and often its idea is supported by society. “It’s your own fault”, “You deserved it”, “I should have foreseen it”, “I didn’t resist enough”, “I wanted it myself” …
Culture blurs boundaries: abusive jealousy is interpreted as a sign of love, “hits means loves”
The voices of those who commit violence have taken root in the minds of those who have been subjected to it. They sound in the form of self-accusation, self-flagellation, self-disgust, excessive demands, fear of punishment and a whole army of fears and many other expressions of the illusory experience of one’s badness.
It is possible that the first or subsequent abuse occurred in a family context. And if there was also a myth that the family is the safest place filled with loving relationships, then it may be difficult for us to distinguish between love and violence in the future.
As a result, a person, not trusting his reactions, is involved in more and more violent relationships or remains in such. He hopes that love is hidden behind them, that in fact it is expressed in this way.
Even without childhood in an abusive family, it can be hard to tell them apart. Culture blurs the boundaries: abusive jealousy is interpreted as a sign of love, hence all these “beats – it means loves”, “kindness should be with fists”. The self-perpetuating cycle of violence in a person’s life is born and lives like this:
What to do to distinguish care from violence
- Reinterpret abuse: call violence violence, torture torture, exploitation exploitation, rape rape, and so on. About Me.
- To create supports for the practice of distinguishing between violence and care (more about it below). This will break the self-perpetuating cycle of violence.
- Sorting out everyday life: sorting out which events correspond to abuse or self-abuse, which correspond to care for you shown by others, or care for yourself. The former promote self-denial, the latter promote self-acceptance.
How to do this?
The practice of distinguishing between abuse and care is good to do in therapy, in the context of a respectful and supportive relationship with a counselor, or in a self-help format. Start observing the events of your life and sort them into four types: external violence, self-abuse, external care, self-care.
This can be done in any suitable form: try simply noticing and naming what is happening to you, or filling out the following tablet at a convenient time.
The Benefits of a Practice That Helps Distinguish Between Caring and Abuse
- People have their own desires, intentions and preferences, they are easier to recognize. There is energy for their implementation.
- The number of fears is reduced.
- The feeling of “entanglement”, “not one’s own life”, “gaps in history” is reduced. We begin to perceive our life as more connected, clear, accessible for management.
- A kinder attitude towards ourselves and towards people is born, because now we experience less fears associated with them.
- The effect of isolation that arose due to abuse disappears: “life is like through fog or cloudy glass.”
- The power of the consequences of violence is weakened: in our life there is less self-punishment, self-destruction, thoughts about death and about ourselves as a “hindrance”.
- We can safely mark our boundaries, fears can no longer interfere with this.
- We better define violence and do not support abusive relationships.
- We have a desire to live inside of us.
When you notice any of these effects appearing (usually after one to two weeks or a month of such practice), it is helpful to start remembering earlier life events that can be attributed to manifestations of self-care. Caring loving attitude towards yourself can be expressed not only in actions, but also in thoughts, intentions, decisions, desire or attempts to make yourself better.
These episodes, large and small, can be written down, given names, time and place. Gradually, they begin to take shape in history. Perhaps, in parallel, you will remember moments of care and love from others.
Then you can recall earlier episodes of life related to violence by others, name these events and determine your attitude towards them: for example, indignation, protest or disagreement. And continue the daily practice of distinguishing between violence and love.