Why we indulge others and how to stop it

The word “indulge” is often used in the sense of “indulge in evil inclinations.” For example, to lend money to an addict, to justify his aggression, is to save him from the consequences of his own addiction. However, the same thing happens in seemingly successful relationships. One behaves frivolously and carelessly, because he expects the other to take care of him. And if so, there is no need to be responsible for your actions.

Why do we indulge?

Out of love. When a person is dear to us, we wish him only the best. We strive to help, to protect from troubles, to relieve difficulties. We cannot sit back and watch our loved ones suffer or grieve.

Because of anxiety. We worry about loved ones and unconsciously try to appease this painful feeling in ourselves. If you close your eyes to their problem or take it upon yourself to solve it, fears and worries recede for a while. But in fact, this does not change anything: on the contrary, it creates even greater difficulties.

Why indulging others is dangerous

It would seem that what is wrong with support and participation? But in fact, we do not help a loved one to cope with difficulties. By indulging, we do not let him take care of himself and take responsibility for his life.

What happens to people who are indulged?

Those who are indulged all the time become dependent, infantile, irresponsible, dependent.

• They get used to getting away with any folly. That is why they continue to behave destructively and do whatever they want.
• They don’t learn from their own mistakes. Everyone experiences bitter experiences at times, but through them we learn important lessons. We realize that rash actions lead to undesirable consequences, we become more prudent. But those who are jealously guarded against possible failure do not understand how their behavior affects others and themselves. They have no incentive to change and think differently. They do not try to solve their problems and develop the necessary skills for this. What is the point – after all, there is someone who will do everything for them!
• They feel helpless, incompetent and insecure. Let’s say they wish them well. But, in essence, they make it clear: “They don’t trust you, you’re good for nothing, we’ll somehow manage without you.”
• They feel constantly in control. Indulgents are actually trying to guide the other’s every move or are meticulously following the development of the situation. This shows their desire for security. This is not surprising when a loved one risks harming themselves or others. However, attempts to control people are most often useless and only spoil relationships.
• They are not ashamed. This experience is necessary, it tells you something is wrong. But if others allow the offender to ignore or drown out this feeling, it is useless to expect that conscience will ever wake up. It is easier to shrug off any responsibility and shift it onto the shoulders of those who agree to bear this burden. And for him, sooner or later, indulgence ends with nervous exhaustion and burnout.

What is the difference between “indulge” and “help”

There is nothing wrong with washing the clothes of an 18-year-old son who is studying and working or cooking dinner for the whole family. It’s just a fair division of labor. However, the difference between indulging and helping is not always clear.

Sometimes it all depends on how often we show care and help. But mainly our motives and feelings will help us to distinguish one from the other. If we constantly do for others what they are quite capable of doing for themselves, we are indulging them precisely.

How to stop indulging?

Try to notice the moments when you indulge. Such relationships are often established with a spouse, child or parent. Try to restrain yourself and not rush to help. Let a loved one at least once independently deal with difficulties and satisfy personal needs.

If everything works out, most likely, both of you will feel better. If not, be prepared to deal with your impatience, guilt, resentment, and other difficult feelings.

He may get angry or confused that you no longer come running at the first call to sort out his rubble (literally and figuratively) and make his life easier. This is a common reaction to new borders that “were not here before.”

You may be tempted to give up and do the old thing. Then try following these guidelines:

1. Remind yourself why you want to change things.
2. Write down the reasons for your desires and review the list often.
3. Look for more effective anxiety management methods.
4. Seek support from a psychotherapist.
5. Listen to your emotions and needs, practice self-care.
6. Think about personal boundaries: what kind of attitude you expect, what you are willing to tolerate, what you don’t, what you want and don’t want to do.
7. Work on separation. It helps to emotionally detach from other people’s problems. When you separate from others, you stop giving your all for their good. You love them still, but you don’t try to control, guide, and do everything for them.
8. Drive away the feeling of guilt: you cannot correct other people’s mistakes (and you should not).

Will it solve all problems? Won’t decide. Will a loved one come to his senses, will he pull himself together? It’s hard to say for sure. There is no guarantee that as soon as you stop indulging him, he will immediately draw the right conclusions. It may very well be worse at first. Of course, this is not easy to accept.

Still, it’s important to remember that you chose to behave differently to make your own life easier, not to change someone else’s. Over time, you will learn to defend personal boundaries, free yourself from obsessive guilt and debt. You can deal with anxiety and other painful feelings. Realize that your needs come first and start taking better care of yourself. Stop solving someone’s problems and throw off the burden of responsibility for everything that you cannot control.

And finally, when you stop indulging someone’s weaknesses, helping loved ones will begin to bring you pleasure.