Feelings of guilt, fear of loneliness, the desire to be needed — what else makes parents financially support their long-grown children?
Imagine a situation: a parent of an adult son or daughter feels guilty for not giving something to the child in childhood. For example, a mother worked all her life, and when she retired, she realized: there was nothing else to do, life was empty, her beloved child had grown up a long time ago. It is scary to remain unnecessary, insignificant, and this fear makes a woman actively “infiltrate” the lives of adult children and, helping them with finances, live their life, returning the meaning of her own. Financial assistance serves as a kind of compensation for the lack of attention and warmth in the past.
Familiar? Then another story. Grown up children constantly get into trouble, and their «dependent» parents easily and with pleasure act as eternal «rescuers», paying for any expenses of children. It’s also a fairly common case.
It happens that parents are afraid to admit to themselves their parental imperfection. Fear of losing the love of children encourages «buying» their attention, while maintaining the illusion of normal family relationships.
financial dependence
Often, parents unconsciously form the financial dependence of children, preventing a timely separation from happening. Family psychologist Anna Varga writes in her book “Systemic Family Psychotherapy”: “Young people, remaining in the parental system (family), do not have the opportunity to experience an independent, independent life. All his life a young man is an element of his family system, the bearer of its norms and rules, the child of his parents. Usually he does not have a clear idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbwhat was achieved in his life by himself personally, it is difficult for him to develop a sense of personal responsibility for his own destiny.
The financial dependence of adult children on parents may indicate that the family as a whole is dominated by dependent relationships.
Parents do not always impose help: an able-bodied adult son or daughter can regularly ask for, and sometimes even demand, money. Dependence begins if parents systematically meet them halfway. The constant supply of adult children with money can make them infantile, discourage the desire to work, and prevent them from learning how to manage finances.
“If you want to motivate a child to earn money, you don’t need to help him, let him look for opportunities,” Anna Varga advises in her book. “Parents who want to tie a child encourage addiction, help with money.”
Parents’ fears
The root cause of an addictive relationship is easy to understand by answering the question: “When I feel guilty, what am I afraid of?” Of course, everyone has their own answer, but here are the most common options:
To remain alone, having lost the love of a child;
become unnecessary;
Lose children (I fear for their lives).
All of these fears underlie the guilt a parent may feel when they deny their adult children financial assistance. On their basis, unconscious desires are formed:
Control: to continue to decide for children, to direct their lives so that it meets parental expectations;
To be needed, significant: save children from trouble, preserve their image of a “good” parent, fill their lives with the cares of children, become in demand again, necessary;
Get love and attention: live the life of an adult child when your own life is not satisfactory or interesting;
Coming to terms with the “inner critic”: to compensate children for something that they may not have been given to them in childhood.
These can all be signs of an unhealthy relationship.
When is it appropriate to help adult children?
Normal parental assistance to adult children is to emotionally support them, listen, sympathize and, if the child asks, give advice. Financial assistance is acceptable in isolated cases: in case of force majeure or as a gift.
Ideally, starting to teach a child to handle finances is necessary as early as adolescence. The tool for this is pocket money. Small amounts should be given out on a regular basis, always in a limited and fixed amount. The goal is to teach the child to manage money, spend it within the given limits, save, lend. Parents can track the actions of a teenager, help him make financial decisions. In no case should money be used for manipulation: serve as a reward or punishment.
In any case, when the children have grown up, the parents (family) need to let them go. Children must learn to live their lives, and for this, it is important for parents to be able to live theirs. And, if this is difficult, it is better to seek help from a specialist.