“Love for relatives is measured in kilometers” – there is some truth in this joke. In the sense that each of us, with too close and close communication, becomes “stuffy” even with the most dear and beloved people. How not to quarrel and maintain intimacy?
Sometimes relationships become too close – even when it comes to a beloved partner, children, grandchildren, friends. “Long-term cohabitation with people dear to us creates tension between us and provokes conflicts,” explains psychiatrist from the clinic at Harvard University Robert Waldinger.
Why is there tension in a relationship?
Several factors contribute to this:
- Stress. “Instability and uncertainty about the future cause most of us constant stress. Due to the pandemic, we are especially prone to depression and anxiety, often feeling on the verge of a breakdown, ”explains Waldinger.
- tightness. No matter how big your house or apartment is, if you live together, sometimes there is still a feeling of lack of space.
- Gap between generations. If you live with older children or grandchildren, it may be difficult for you to understand their tastes, preferences, and actions. It seems to the elderly that adult children take care of them too much. And parents can get tired of the constant activity of children.
How to reduce heat?
- Be forgiving of each other’s shortcomings. If a loved one has snapped at you, take a deep breath and remember that they, too, are now suffering from increased stress – just like you, Waldinger advises.
- Keep a balance between closeness and distance. Find a private place (at home or outside) where you can take a break from communicating with loved ones.
- Set boundaries. Agree on the separation of “personal” and “joint” time. For example, you may decide that you will have lunch and dinner together, and the rest of the time you will try not to disturb each other.
- Consider the difference between generations. If your adult children are trying to boss you around, they may just be worried about your health.
- Let go of rigid demands and expectations. If you sometimes annoy each other, this does not mean that there are some serious problems in your relationship. Therefore, it is very important to show indulgence and sympathy for each other. None of us are capable of being in a good mood all the time, and that’s okay.
- Set up communication. If you are unhappy with something, try not to blame or criticize the other, but explain the situation from your point of view (using the pronouns “I” and “Me”). Just describe the problem and ask for help to solve it. For example, if your partner promised to wash the dishes a long time ago, and it is still in the sink, you can say: “I don’t know what to do: will you do the dishes, or maybe I should do it myself?” This is a more productive approach than blaming the other for laziness or starting to complain.
- Talk about what worries you. When one of the family members makes a row over a trifle (like an unsealed tube of toothpaste), it is almost always just an excuse, the tip of the iceberg. The main problem may be that a person has a feeling that they do not hear him and do not take his requests into account. It is important to be able to talk about the real, serious difficulties in your relationship.
- Remember what is really important and what is not. Life is short. Is it really worth spending it arguing about who does the dishes? Is it worth it to get angry and put yourself under unnecessary stress?
Close relationships with significant people are important for our physical and psychological well-being. And if living together extinguishes feelings and it seems that everything is bad, it is worth thinking about solving the situation and understanding what circumstances we can change and what rules of communication to introduce in order to give each other more “air”.