In small doses, distrust keeps you from disappointment. However, if it begins to dominate relationships, we risk being isolated from everyone. Expert advice on how to regain trust and confidence.
«You won’t deceive me? How long can he support me?” Distrust is an unpleasant premonition of an external threat, that is, something that we think can harm.
“We are talking about behavior that is often disproportionate to the real situation and can block us, paralyze us, prevent us from living a full life,” explains Maura Amelia Bonanno, an expert in cultural anthropology. — A distrustful person ends up questioning the positive in order not to communicate with the world. Besides, he is full of prejudice.”
Where is mistrust born and why?
Roots in childhood
The answer is given by the American psychoanalyst Eric Erickson, who at the turn of the 1950s introduced the concepts of «basic trust» and «basic distrust» to designate the period of human development from birth to two years. At this time, the child is trying to determine how he feels loved and accepted.
“Faith and distrust are formed already in early childhood and depend more on the quality of the relationship with the mother than on the number of manifestations of love,” agrees Francesco Belo, a Jungian psychoanalyst.
Lack of confidence in another person often means lack of confidence in yourself
According to Erickson, a combination of two factors will help instill trust in the mother in children: sensitivity to the needs of the child and self-confidence as a parent.
“My mom was always calling for help from her friends, whether it was to help around the house or help with me,” says 34-year-old Maria. “This self-doubt eventually passed on to me and transformed into incredulity.”
The main thing is to feel that you are loved, so faith in yourself grows and in the future becomes the ability to overcome life’s difficulties and disappointments. Conversely, if the child felt little love, distrust of the world, which seems unpredictable, will win.
Lack of self-confidence
A colleague who cheats, a friend who abuses generosity, a loved one who betrays… Distrustful people have “an idealistic view of relationships,” Belo says. They expect too much from others and perceive the slightest inconsistency with their reality as a betrayal.
In some cases, this feeling turns into paranoia (“Everyone wishes me harm”), and sometimes leads to cynicism (“My ex left me without any explanation, therefore, all men are cowards and scoundrels”).
“To start a relationship with someone is to take risks,” Belo adds. “And this is possible only for those who are confident enough in themselves not to feel bad if they are cheated.” Lack of confidence in another person often means a lack of confidence in yourself.
Limited vision of reality
“Fear and distrust are the main protagonists of modern society, and all of us, sitting at home, looking at the real world through the window and not fully participating in life, share a cynical attitude towards it and are sure that there are enemies around,” says Bonanno. “The cause of any psychological discomfort is internal mental anxiety.”
In order for at least some changes to occur, a blind faith is needed that in any case everything will be resolved in the most optimal way and in the end everything will be fine.
What does it mean to find trust and self-confidence? “It means understanding what our true nature is and realizing that confidence is born only in ourselves,” the expert concludes.
What to do with distrust
1. Return to the source. Failure to trust others is often associated with painful life experiences. Once you figure out what the experience was, you will become more tolerant and flexible.
2. Try not to generalize. Not all men think only about sex, not all women are only interested in money, and not all bosses are tyrants. Get rid of prejudice and give other people a chance.
3. Appreciate positive experiences. Surely you have met honest people, and not just deceivers and scoundrels. Remember the positive experience of your life, you are not doomed to the role of a victim.
4. Learn to explain. Does the one who betrayed us know what harm he did? Try to make your arguments understandable too. In every relationship, trust is earned through dialogue.
5. Don’t go to extremes. You don’t need to constantly show everyone how reliable and faithful you yourself are: the slightest falsehood — and now you are already a target for someone who is not so kind. On the other hand, it is also wrong to disregard your feelings, to behave as if nothing has happened and hatred for all of humanity is not born inside you. How to be? Talk!
Talk about your feelings and ask about strangers, for example: «I don’t want to offend you, tell me how you feel yourself.» And do not forget that the same thing happens to many as to you, and it would be nice to remind them that you are able to understand them, but not go to extremes.