Contents
To the question «How are you?» a person who has excluded joyful emotions from his life, at best, answers evasively: “Slowly. Just like others». At worst, he begins to complain in detail. Why do we voluntarily give up life’s colors, preferring colorless predictability, psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova argues.
Anhedonia — the inability to enjoy — differs from depression primarily in motive. “In depression, a person, as a rule, tries to attract the attention of the world, and the rejection of joy in anhedonia symbolically protects against possible losses and disappointments,” explains psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova. “If you don’t have happiness, you have nothing to lose.” This creates the illusion of invulnerability.
How does it manifest itself?
The idea of justice. It seems that we have no right to rejoice when others feel bad. There is a war going on in many countries, people are suffering, getting sick, dying, and against this background it is inappropriate to feel happy.
Delayed joys. We buy things we like but can’t afford to use. It is as if we are preparing ourselves for another life in which we will allow ourselves pleasures, but for now it remains to wait for this time.
Unjustified expectations. Often on a long-awaited vacation, people begin to quarrel and sort things out. Or they shift the perspective of attention towards the negative, noticing only dirt and devastation all around and refusing to see the sea and the sun due to a high level of internal anxiety, which does not allow you to relax and enjoy the moment.
What is behind this?
Norm threshold. First of all, it is necessary to separate the norm from the pathology, because anhedonia can manifest itself within the framework of mental disorders, personality and post-traumatic disorders. In this case, deal with the cause. You can choose to save emotions while being in a psychologically stable state.
Payment for happiness. The state of anxiety and sadness gives a feeling that we will not get worse. There is an illusion that we control the situation and get at least a bleak, but predictable prospect. For euphoric emotions, one day you will have to pay a serious price.
Escape from envy. We can read that it is difficult for the environment to rejoice at our successes. A joyless life becomes a shield while we complain, we are loved, consoled and understood.
Playing the victim. In codependent couples, the partner can support our emotionally low background, showing himself as an eternal rescuer. And if we strive to keep relationships, then we become hostages of our depression and eternal sadness. As soon as joyful impulses appear, allowing you to rely on your own emotional forces, the other side loses its mission.
Why is this happening?
Unpredictable parents. Often such people come from families where parents took out the accumulated negativity on their children. Attention and care towards the child at any moment could be replaced by punishments and screams. It is difficult for children to predict and control parental mood swings, which forms the habit of always being ready for a strike.
Until better times. In the family, the child was taught to put off all the best for later: a cake for guests, berries for winter jam, a beautiful dress for a matinee.
How to allow yourself to be happy?
Track what is blocking your joy. For example, you eat your favorite cake, watch a TV series and feel that you cannot enjoy the moment. Give yourself ten minutes to enjoy what is happening in any form. You can express emotions violently, laugh, clap your hands or just smile, these physiological actions also trigger feelings. After all, even a smile through force provokes impulses of joy.
Gradually increase the duration of the positive emotions that you allow yourself to experience as a child. Children are good at holding happy feelings, we should learn from them.