As a child, we were criticized by adults, and now we successfully do it ourselves. Every slip, every mistake, even the smallest flaw can activate the inner critic. How to turn off his stern voice and get rid of the destructive habit?
Self-flagellation, self-criticism, self-humiliation, self-blame – in psychological slang, all these words mean “negatively colored introspection, accompanied by disapproval of one’s behavior (words, thoughts, actions) and dissatisfaction with oneself.”
No child is born with a built-in self-criticism function. But many master this skill quickly enough.
Why do we scold ourselves
What starts and maintains this process in us?
1. Introjects – parental and belonging to significant people. Those very condemning, blaming, criticizing, accusing phrases that we so often heard from mom, dad, teacher, classmates. We leave home, finish school, say goodbye to people, but their little talking copies remain in our heads. And they begin to sound in situations that remind us of past experiences. So if you are raising children, remember that what you say to them now will stay with them for life.
2. Mirroring and heredity. Perhaps your mother was very caring and never allowed herself criticism in your direction. But at the same time I scolded myself every minute. We, as small, conscious or unconscious, but still copies of our parents, can voluntarily or involuntarily repeat their behavior and use the words that they uttered.
In therapy, we often encounter the fact that in our lives the thoughts and feelings of previous generations appear as an “emotional echo”. After all, genetically we adopt not only external, but also internal similarities.
3. Musts. We were raised as “right kids”, surrounded by a lot of phrases: “you must”, “you must”, “must do”, “it is necessary”. We did not always fulfill what we “should”, because many of these obligations did not at all correspond to our inner urges, aspirations and desires. That is why they aroused in us not only indignation, but also self-criticism.
4. Features of character, which exacerbate all of the above. Among them:
- The inability to accept one’s weak and negative manifestations of character, as well as to forgive oneself for mistakes made.
- Making excessive demands on yourself and the world around you.
- Maintaining a negative attitude.
How to change your attitude
There are many psychological ways to correct self-criticism. To solve the problem, in any case, you need to change your attitude towards your true “I” and get rid of introjects.
In psychotherapy sessions, you can achieve better results, because all the triggers of self-criticism are at the level of the unconscious. And almost no one can get there alone.
In working with a psychotherapist, several subpersonalities can be distinguished: one’s own criticizing one, one’s own criticized one, and third-party ones, those who brought these introjects into us. The specialist helps to get rid of other people’s attitudes, develop your own and learn to support yourself instead of judging.
In “home conditions” you can try to do the following: imagine yourself small, the one that was accused and criticized. Give her support. Say encouraging words. Make promises and permissions:
- “I give you permission not to feel guilty. You are not to blame for anything, because I decided so.
- “I let you feel happy”
- “I let you be happy”
- “I give you permission to try and fail”
- “I let you be sad when you’re sad and laugh when you’re happy”
- “I let you feel alive”
- “I promise to take care of you, be with you, support and help”
- “I really need you and I love you very much”
Supporting your inner parts of the personality is important in any solution to psychological problems.
About the Developer
Elena Khromyleva-Bermekho – psychologist-psychotherapist, teacher, EOT therapist, member of the European Association for Psychotherapy, the World Council for Psychotherapy, the All-Russian Professional Psychotherapeutic League.