Even if more than one year has passed. Even if we know that that person was not right for us at all. Even if you felt completely happy with someone else — exactly until you accidentally saw your ex-partner, live or virtually … We are drawn to him. Why it happens?
Many describe the end of a relationship as a real torture, listing the most clinical symptoms of trauma: mood swings, tears, anger, numbness, anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive thoughts, and even flashbacks. But the saddest thing is that when we have already experienced all this and are moving on, a chance intersection with a former partner is enough to experience a strong surge of feelings. But which ones?
«And if this is love?»
Clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo recalls the case of one of her clients. The woman described the frustration that befell her as follows: “I clearly understand that I do not want to be with him. We constantly quarreled, there was too much pain in this relationship, and it was clear for a long time that nothing would come of it. So why do I still think about him? Does this mean I still love him?
This woman fell into the trap that many fall into when leaving an emotionally difficult relationship: it seemed to her that what she continued to feel for her ex was love. At the same time, the woman perfectly understood with her mind that that man did not suit her, that she felt bad with him. She did not want to reunite with him — but at the same time she missed those vivid emotions that the previous relationship gave her. Yes, she was not happy with him — but at the same time she felt so alive!
That’s why, Nimmo concludes, it’s so difficult for us to get out of toxic relationships: we associate violent emotions with passion, and passion with love. We get addicted to these feelings, even if they don’t make us happy. And we want to feel alive again.
WHAT TO REMEMBER
If you, like client Karen Nimmo, at a chance meeting with an ex or ex, felt your heart “thump” somewhere, and now you can’t get rid of thoughts about this person, do not rush to conclusions. Remind yourself:
This is not love
Yes, very similar. Yes, perhaps, once between you there was exactly this feeling. But now — no. You will have to appeal to your rational part and remind yourself that you were not happy with this person — and therefore you will not be. And that tangle of feelings that you experienced in those relationships is not love.
Try to figure out what you feel now, separate some emotions from others, name them. Approach this process with exploratory enthusiasm and curiosity to understand why you feel this way.
The partner became the former for a reason
Your breakup had a reason — and most likely not one. And, if you try, you will definitely remember what didn’t suit you in past relationships, what hurt you in your partner’s behavior, why your union was unhealthy.
Resuming communication will not lead to anything good.
Having experienced an unexpected surge of feelings when meeting with an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend, we begin to ask questions: why didn’t we succeed? Something went wrong? Why did he leave? What was the last straw for me?
We may feel that if we finally figure things out, we can “let go.” And so we decide to resume communication — «just friendly meetings, nothing more.» Perhaps secretly hoping to check if the old connection between us still exists…
Do not give in to such desires. After that, you will not be “let go” in a magical way — and, in the end, each of us has our own truth, our own perception of information, and it’s hardly possible to dot the i’s.
WHAT TO DO
If you are in a relationship — love the one who is nearby
Try to close the door to the past and return to the present. If you’re already dating someone, focus on that relationship. Give a person everything you can — if, of course, he deserves it. If not, break up, but do not think that your former partner and feelings for him are to blame. And do not dream of returning everything. Move on.
Remind Yourself: «Quiet» Love Doesn’t Mean «Boring»
The problem with bright, stormy relationships is that all subsequent alliances lose to them. It seems to us that everything is “not right” — too stable, consistent, boring, insipid. But it’s likely true that you’re used to the «emotional Disneyland» of toxic love, while real, mature, healthy love is different. And, if you give a new relationship a chance, you will understand.