Criticism is destructive. In order not to jeopardize the relationship, it is important not to succumb to the urge that sometimes arises to unleash a stream of remarks on friends. How to do this and why do we like to criticize loved ones so much? Psychotherapist John Amodeo answers.
Family life researcher John Gottman called criticism one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for relationships. Criticism, along with the other three horsemen (defensive aggression, contempt and neglect), gradually destroys the trust and intimacy of partners, often resulting in mutual misfortune and divorce.
If we try to figure out what caused the desire to criticize, we can strengthen relationships instead of undermining them.
We all sometimes break down into criticism, lose our temper and express to others all the bad things that we think about them. If someone offended us or did not do something that we wanted, dissatisfaction accumulates. As a result, instead of taking responsibility for our experiences, we sometimes want to berate and shame others.
Find the reason
I am not advocating to be ashamed of the desire to criticize, although a little shame sometimes does not hurt. If we berate ourselves too much for criticizing others, we become even more nervous. As a result, most likely, we will criticize others even more actively, trying to defuse internal tension.
It is quite possible that we will begin to declare something along the lines of: “You are wrong, you are bad, you always do this and never do that.”
We can fight toxic criticism only when we deal with the reasons that cause it.
How does a person react if we criticize him as a person or give him a “diagnosis”? Usually our words cause him either anger or shame. As a family therapist, it is hard for me to see how spouses who come to me for counseling often unconsciously provoke aggression, fear, or stupor in each other instead of establishing safe and sincere communication.
Criticism is a human nature. We can fight toxic criticism only when we deal with the reasons that cause it.
Instead of hurting others with criticism, we can create a safer environment by sharing our experiences. Our inner feelings are different from the criticism and condemnation that we say out loud. Often these experiences make us feel our own vulnerability, from which we are trying to protect ourselves.
It is easy to accuse others of being aggressively defensive. It is more difficult to understand when the same thing happens within ourselves. Such aggression means that we are trying to protect ourselves from unpleasant or difficult experiences – pain, shame, fear.
Often, if we do not notice and do not accept these feelings, then we suppress them. As a result, we begin to judge others or show them our contempt in order to feel our own superiority. This is how we project our painful experiences onto others—expecting them to bear a burden that we cannot bear. Defensive aggression is an attempt to avoid responsibility for one’s own feelings and behavior.
Think before you say
An adult approach to relationships involves taking responsibility. For example, always think before you speak, especially if you feel like saying something offensive.
You will need patience, awareness and courage not to say the first thing that comes to mind, but to take a break. The pause will help you look inside yourself and feel how you really feel, even if these experiences are unpleasant for you. Here are some examples:
I want to say: “You are such an egoist! You try to control everyone all the time!” Inner feeling: “It hurts and I get angry when you talk to me like that.”
I want to say, “You are acting like a child. I’m not going to be your mommy!” Inner Feeling: “Sometimes I feel lonely and overwhelmed. I really need your help with household chores and taking care of my daughter.”
By becoming aware of your experiences, you will take the first step to communication on a different level.
I want to say: “You are always dissatisfied with me! You will never please!” Inner Feeling: “I’m worried that I didn’t call when I was late. I was afraid that you would be disappointed, and I am always ashamed in such cases. That’s why I just didn’t tell you. I’m very sorry this happened.”
When we pay attention to our feelings and share them, we invite others into our inner world, showing them how their words and actions really affect us.
The next time you feel like criticizing someone, stop, take a deep breath, pay attention to how you feel. Maybe words will come to your mind that will help you more accurately express how you feel. Give yourself time. By becoming aware of your real experiences, you will take the first step towards communication on a different level, which will contribute to the achievement of harmony and rapprochement with others.
About the Author: John Amodeo is a family therapist.