Why We Always Face the Same Problems in Relationships

Why do some people get back into codependent relationships? Why would a woman raised by an emotionally alienated mother behave the same way with her own children? Why do children of alcoholics so often marry alcoholics themselves? Why are people who grow up in abusive families more likely than others to either become abusive themselves or continue to be a victim into adulthood?

At first glance, all these patterns seem illogical. After all, none of those who grew up in families with an unhealthy atmosphere or experienced mental trauma in childhood would want to voluntarily repeat such an experience. Why do destructive patterns repeat in life?

1. We repeat what we are familiar with. Although we know that such behavior is unproductive and leads to disastrous results, because at least we know what to expect.

2. We repeat what we learned as children. Beliefs, habits of coping with stress, and behavior patterns learned in childhood are deeply ingrained in the psyche, because we learned all this at a tender age, when the brain was not yet fully developed. And now, after many years of constant practice, it is very difficult to change habits.

3. We repeat the traumatic experience, unconsciously trying to cope with it. If in childhood we were rejected and not loved and we felt powerless, in adulthood we can unconsciously seek for ourselves experiences and relationships that cause the same feelings. We are trying to change the outcome—to heal old wounds by gaining acceptance and love, or by feeling in control of the situation. But instead, we choose for ourselves partners and friends who will treat us the same way as our parents, while we ourselves continue to play the same role as always, and we get the same result.

4. We think we deserve to suffer. People who were mentally traumatized in childhood were often told that they were “bad” and deserved violence and bullying. Or they could be told that because of them, their father drinks and the family has so many problems. If we were not directly blamed, we unconsciously “absorb” shame for the family and begin to blame ourselves. It erodes self-esteem and makes us feel like we deserve emotional pain, bullying, relationship failure, and shame.

Why is it difficult to get rid of old templates?

Unfortunately, they are passed down from generation to generation. And we are likely to reproduce them until we heal the trauma associated with them and feel worthy of love, kindness, and respect.

We reproduce unhealthy relationship patterns because they are familiar to us. Even if we know that this behavior is not appropriate, such behavior is «unhealthy» or «inadequate», it is difficult to change habits. It’s always easier to keep doing what you’ve always done than to learn something new, especially in stressful situations.

When the nervous system is overloaded, uncontrolled emotions rage, the body is overflowing with adrenaline, it is difficult to behave differently than we are used to. This is partly due to the structure of the brain. When nerve cells are activated at the same time, the connection between them is strengthened. The more often we do something or think about something, the stronger and more effective neural connections are formed in the brain. For example, this happens when we master a skill. The more we practice throwing the basketball, the easier it is to hit the basket.

The brain also forms associations between emotions and situations, people or places. For example, smelling the lemony smell of a cleaning agent, you are mentally immediately transported to the house where my grandmother lived, who used the same product all the time, and therefore a stable association of this smell with our grandmother arose in our brain. For the same reason, we reproduce unproductive patterns of behavior and thinking — these neural connections are most developed in our brain. If in childhood we were treated cruelly, we were not taken care of, then neural connections were fixed in the brain for just such a pattern of relationships. So we reproduce it again.

Children need a sense of security and predictability, they need attentive and caring parents. In dysfunctional families, all this is usually lacking. As a result, children are constantly tense, scared, anxious, and do not feel safe. Growing up, they try to control those around them and the course of events in order to regain a sense of security.

Reproducing unhealthy relationship patterns from the past, we involuntarily try to relive that experience, but this time by controlling everything in order to fix what we could not fix then. It seems to us that this time we can be perfect and worthy of love, we will not repeat the same mistakes and we will be able to avoid the bullying and rejection that we had to endure in childhood.

How to break the old pattern?

It is possible to change old habits. But the longer we did something in a certain way, the stronger the neural connections in our brain became and the harder it would be to break them. It is necessary to form new neural connections so that new patterns of thinking and behavior become the norm for us.

Every time we react or think in a new way, we create new connections between neurons, and over time we will be able to strengthen them, make a new pattern of actions habitual and comfortable for ourselves. A few tips to help you start changing old patterns:

1. Understand the relationship patterns in the parents’ family. They have become a model for all your future relationships. It can be helpful to read about relationship dynamics in general, keep a journal to describe your childhood memories and experiences, or work with a therapist to help you understand the unspoken rules and implicit roles that existed in the family where you grew up.

2. Think about your own behavior. It is important to be well aware of what you think, feel and how you behave, and to understand what role you play in the dysfunctional relationship that develops. Your job and responsibility is to learn healthier ways to solve problems, meet needs, and deal with stress.

3. Heal the emotional wounds left from old traumas. Dysfunctional relationships are formed due to the fact that we were once abandoned, rejected, shamed, or in some other way caused terrible pain and caused mental trauma. In order to establish healthy and stable relationships based on mutual love, you must first learn to feel worthy of it.

Until you heal your emotional wounds and meet your emotional and psychological needs, you will continue to seek help from partners who cannot help you feel loved. Many people need the help of a therapist, a specialist in mental trauma. There are many different therapies that can be effective in such cases.

4. Practice new skills. To change the pattern that relationships follow, you must first change your behavior: learn more effective communication techniques, learn to better manage emotions and take care of yourself.

5. Be kind to yourself. Major life changes require a lot of you. Don’t expect ingrained habits to change in weeks or months. Be kinder and more indulgent to yourself, gradually changing for the better, mastering new skills, realizing the truth. Grow and develop! No matter where you are right now, there is always hope. Change for the better is possible.