Why «unloved» daughters often don’t have close friends

Recently I received a letter from a reader who complained that she did not have enough friends. No matter how hard she tried, the relationship fell apart, and she suffered a lot because of this. The woman asked a question that can often be heard: “Do you think the reason is my mother? If the first woman I formed a close relationship with was not trustworthy, how can I trust anyone else after that?” Good question.

I myself found it difficult to build relationships with other women, especially in my youth. And it’s not just that I viewed them as potential rivals (I learned this from my mother): I was afraid to open up to my friends, I was afraid that they would hurt me. My fears were not unfounded: I was indeed betrayed by women whom I considered my friends. One friend slept with the man I loved, telling me that I was too jealous. Another blabbed to everyone the secret that I shared.

Of course, everyone makes mistakes and it is important to be able to forgive and put up. But unloved daughters experience such incidents especially hard. When someone tries to make friends with them, they begin to be overcome by doubts, they look for hidden motives in the behavior of others. It is difficult for them to believe that they can be of interest to others.

mother’s shadow

According to attachment theory, those who directly care for us in childhood (most often mothers) become an example for us of how relationships are built. Based on this model, we will build connections with other people: relatives, friends, partners and just acquaintances.

A loving mother who subtly feels the child and cares for him, makes him understand that relationships with others are not dangerous, and closeness gives a feeling of comfort. A mother who either ignores a child or oppresses her with vigilant control, neglect, or constant criticism is teaching that intimacy can hurt. The daughters of envious or competitive mothers often begin to think that all women, even those of the same age, behave the same way.

But the point is not only what kind of example the mother sets, the way she influences relations between family members also plays a significant role.

Rivalries with siblings

The first peers with whom we establish close, long-term relationships are usually siblings (if we have any). At the same time, for example, a sister can both direct on the right path, help overcome difficulties, and hurt painfully. This happens especially often in families dominated by an overbearing or aggressive mother with pronounced narcissistic traits. Such mothers usually have favorites, and children are forced to compete among themselves for their mother’s praise, care and attention.

It is customary to idealize the relationship between sisters, and they say about a very close friend: “She is like a sister to me.” However, for daughters who are not loved by their mothers, their fears about friendship with women are often confirmed by negative experiences with their own sister.

5 problems preventing an unloved daughter from being friends with other women

They are hindered not only by sad experiences, but also by unconscious patterns of behavior.

1. They are afraid of being rejected.

Since she was already rejected as a child, in adulthood the unloved daughter is constantly on her guard. She looks for any signs that she may be treated unfairly, betrayed or rejected. Often because of this, she overreacts and complicates ordinary situations. It is not surprising that others consider her overly sensitive and capricious.

What can be done? First of all, be aware of your heightened sensitivity and ask: “Is this how I react to what is happening now, or what happened?”

2. They strive to please others.

Such women often complain about injustice: they invest more in relationships than they receive. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. Women who were neglected in childhood, did not love and did not appreciate, get used to please. They find it difficult to talk about needs. Ask yourself the question: in friendships, are you an equal partner or have you taken the role of a subordinate?

3. They don’t understand where personal boundaries are.

Children raised by sensitive and loving mothers are aware of their own and others’ personal boundaries. They understand that each person is both self-sufficient and connected to others. Women whose mothers constantly controlled them, unceremoniously interfered in their lives, or saw them as only an extension of themselves, do not understand what healthy personal boundaries should be. On the one hand, they constantly feel the need to defend themselves. They feel like boundaries are there to keep others out, and they rudely push friends away when they feel like they’re invading their space.

On the other hand, they may be so in need of attention and afraid of being rejected that any attempt by friends to make it clear that they need to be alone is perceived as a personal insult.

4. They need constant attention.

An unloved daughter wants to fill the inner emptiness so much that she often does not think about the needs and needs of others. Such behavior may seem extremely selfish, although in fact a woman just wants emotional closeness.

5. They are ambivalent about emotional intimacy.

They usually find it difficult to talk about childhood. This is partly due to myths about motherhood: it is commonly believed that all mothers love their children. A woman may fear that others will not take her story seriously. In addition, deep down she is afraid that her mother did not love her quite deservedly, and others will also understand that she is not worthy of love. Since friendship between women is often based on mutual frankness, she thereby deprives herself of the opportunity to build emotionally close relationships.

But the main thing to understand if you recognize yourself in this description is that the fact that your mother did not love you the way you deserved does not mean that you cannot be interesting and dear to another person and make close friends.