Everyone has acquaintances who live like cat and dog, but nevertheless remain together – obviously, they have some reason to continue to suffer like this. And of particular importance in this matter are interdependence and the expectation of change.
About fifty years ago, psychologists Harold Kelly and John Thiebaud created the theory of interdependence: each partner evaluates their satisfaction with the relationship, comparing the pros and cons. As long as we are confident that we are gaining more than we are losing, we are happily married.
For example, your partner takes away your time and other resources. However, he gives you what you need. Or he gives you very little and asks for even less in return. According to the theory of interdependence, in both cases, you should be happy with the relationship. But when the disadvantages begin to outweigh the advantages of marriage, disappointment sets in.
Do not forget that relationships are not a one-sided game. If I have apples and you have oranges, one of my apples is more valuable to you than several of your oranges, and vice versa. The same thing happens in relationships. We give a person what he needs, and he, in turn, gives what we need. If this exchange is successful, each partner believes that he received more than he gave.
Partners stay together in other cases:
- They have invested a lot in relationships and consider marriage a value;
- They do not see more attractive relationship options than the ones they currently have;
- They are satisfied with their marriage
In addition, relationship satisfaction also depends on personal and societal standards. So, in Western culture, partners are valued who are interested in the needs of the second half – a partner should be not only a lover, but also a best friend. But in some cultures, things are different: marriages are arranged by parents and are based on economic interest.
Also, people may not get divorced because of the low standards they place on marriage. If you grew up in a family where abuse and neglect were the norm, you will assume that this is how it should be. And if you have low self-esteem, you may feel that you deserve to be treated badly.
Relationships will get better with time
There are times when partners are unhappy with the relationship, but are devoted to each other. This is difficult to explain from the point of view of the theory of interdependence.
Psychologist Levi Baker notes that even happy couples have difficult periods. Problems with work, illness of relatives, the birth of children add an element of stress to relationships and reduce the level of satisfaction among partners. But they appreciate the relationship, despite temporary difficulties.
According to Baker’s research, attachment is independent of current relationship satisfaction. This approach is contrary to the theory of interdependence. Baker argues that attachment depends on expected relationship satisfaction in the future. Devoted partners believe that over time their relationship will only get better.
When the first child is born, parents are overwhelmed with joy. This is one side of the coin, the other is the lack of intimate relationships, lack of sleep, time and money. But in this difficult period, young parents stay together. This is not because all their needs are met, but because they believe that in the future their relationship will become more harmonious.
If you feel that something is wrong with the relationship, it means that more work needs to be done on it.
In a series of studies, Baker and colleagues found that both partners’ expected future relationship satisfaction is a better indicator of a strong long-term relationship than current relationship satisfaction.
According to Baker, the dissatisfaction with the relationship at the moment is more likely a signal that you have problems that need to be addressed. If you feel that something is not right with the relationship, then more work needs to be done on it. For example, spending more time with your partner or taking family therapy. So you will strengthen confidence in a happy future together and realize that you can overcome temporary difficulties together.
Baker’s approach provides insight into why some people live in unhappy marriages while others get divorced. Some people end unhappy relationships if they feel they won’t get better, or if they find a better alternative to the relationship. People continue to live in an unhappy marriage if they expect the relationship to improve or fear they won’t be able to find a more suitable partner.
Why people stay in unhappy marriages
We have already talked about the theory of interdependence, self-doubt and the expectation of positive changes. But how do unhappy couples themselves explain their reluctance to divorce?
- Fear of loneliness. Researchers consider new relationships an alternative to unhappy relationships, but forget that sometimes a person may not immediately find a new partner after a divorce. Some people can’t stand being alone and agree to live without love.
- financial dependence. Despite the modern ideal of friendly-love relations in marriage, economic relations are also present in any family. A housewife wife may turn a blind eye to her husband’s infidelity and rudeness out of fear of losing financial stability.
- Common children. The couple forges an uneasy truce with separate bedrooms and bank accounts because they are sure that the life of a child in two houses is the worst-case scenario.
- condemnation of the religious community. Most religions do not approve of divorce. And a person is afraid of losing the support that he receives, for example, in the church.
Much depends on whether a person is confident in his future or not. If he is not sure, he will try to keep the relationship and will look for satisfaction in something else, such as friendship or career.