Many people come to therapy complaining of “trust issues.” Indeed, it is difficult to trust others if you have been deceived, betrayed, let down more than once – perhaps from early childhood. How to solve this problem and what to do so that it does not spoil relations with a partner?
Why are “trust issues” so detrimental not only to relationships, but to our lives in general? Because we become suspicious of others—even those with the best of intentions. Because we begin to blame the partner for all mortal sins. And most importantly, because sooner or later we stop trusting ourselves. We stop believing that we deserve love and normal relationships.
Do you trust yourself?
To understand whether you trust yourself or not, take a simple test. Read the statements below and check if you agree with them (write down “yes” or “no”).
- I am usually good at “reading” other people.
- I’m not afraid to be open (open) with my partner.
- I don’t think that everyone I meet has bad intentions.
- I do not need constant reassurance from a partner in anything.
- I am usually confident in my decisions.
- In a relationship, I can completely relax.
- When making decisions, I am not constantly looking for confirmation that they are correct.
- By choosing the “wrong” person, I try to understand why this happened.
- I can enjoy what’s happening in a relationship right now without focusing too much on the future.
- Usually I choose good friends.
- I generally believe and trust my partner.
- When I date someone, I don’t give up my friends and interests, and I don’t mind my partner having the same friends and interests.
- I can speak honestly and openly with a loved one about my needs.
- I am able to appreciate my own merits.
- I can accept reasonable and polite criticism from a partner.
- I can take compliments.
- I have compassion for myself.
- I like who I am.
Test Results
If you agree with most of the above statements, congratulations – it seems that you completely trust yourself (and therefore your partner). You are confident in your decisions – just keep putting them into practice. But people who have often been offended or betrayed in the past usually disagree with most of the statements. It’s not scary, you can and should work with it. And here’s how.
How to learn to trust yourself and your partner
Trusting someone is always a risk. Here’s what to keep in mind.
Don’t believe all your own thoughts. Especially fears, anxiety and the ruthless voice of the inner critic. Don’t let the conscious and unconscious fool you, critically check every negative thought that comes to mind.
Give yourself time to get to know the person better. Everyone needs time to open up, to show who we really are, and your partner too. Wait until its latent qualities emerge, but of course don’t ignore the red flags.
Tell your partner what you need and give them space and time. Honestly and openly share with your partner what you expect from the relationship, what manifestations of love and care. Do you need words, time, help, gifts, physical contact? Don’t expect your partner to give you what you want right away, give them time to readjust. And, of course, praise and thank him every time he makes you feel good.
Learn to read body signals. The body can perfectly tell what is happening to us, the main thing is to let it do it. Learn to read the signals – primarily the alarm. You should not stay with someone who scares you or permanently makes you worry.
Make decisions without regard to others. It happens that we really need the opinion of another person, but more often than not. Take every opportunity to make your own decisions.
Not every person is right for you. But only risking again and again, sooner or later you will meet the same or the same
When you make promises to yourself, don’t break them. Promised yourself to go for a walk in the evening? So why are you still lounging on the couch? Planning to go to the movies with a friend? So why cancel a meeting when you find out that your partner has free time? Trust starts with yourself. If you let yourself down, is it any wonder that others let you down?
Slowly learn to be vulnerable. Proximity implies a certain degree of vulnerability. This does not mean that you need to immediately drop all the “armor” from yourself, especially if you barely know the person. Learn to do this gradually and try to endure the unpleasant feelings that may arise. They can tell you a lot, just give them a chance.
Invest in your interests and maintaining relationships with friends. This is your “insurance” in case something does not work out with your partner. Moreover, our hobbies and social circle help us to be ourselves, and this is very valuable.
Learn to accept compliments. Not only from a partner, but from others in general. It helps us to be convinced again and again of how good we are.
Use your own strength and dignity. Day after day. Because that’s what they were given to us for.
Be persistent. Consistency and perseverance are the keys to success in what we do. No matter what happens, don’t give up (unless, of course, it’s about unhealthy relationships or working in a toxic team).
Take a calculated and justified risk. And praise yourself for your efforts. Loving someone, as mentioned above, is also a risk. Not every person will suit you, not everyone will work out. But only by risking again and again, sooner or later you will meet the same or the same one.