“Get out of your comfort zone!”, “Grow above yourself!”, “Run as fast as you can, just to stay in place!” – everyone and everything is calling us. It would seem that everything is logical: only by stepping into the new, unusual, we can change ourselves and change our lives. Otherwise, we are doomed to wallow in the familiar swamp – familiar and safe. Why is security so important to us—especially in personal relationships—and is it such a bad thing?
You have probably heard of Maslow’s pyramid more than once. An American humanistic psychologist developed the idea of a hierarchy of needs, arranging them in descending order of importance. So, the pyramid is based on physiological needs: oxygen, food, food, sex. The next level is the need for security.
It is assumed that the needs of a higher level are actualized when we have dealt with the previous level: if we have a roof over our heads, we are full, no one attacks us, it’s time to feel the need for love, communication, to be heard and appreciated.
But if a certain percentage of humanity is more or less provided with food and water, then problems often arise with the next level. Moreover, they arise, as usual, in childhood. The fact is that security is not only the absence of a direct threat to our life and health. We need not only physical, but also emotional security, the constancy of relationships (that is, that loved ones will remain close to us).
If this need is met, we can build healthy relationships with family, friends, partners, and ourselves and feel loved. But what if it doesn’t? If we don’t feel emotionally and physically safe with those around us, we don’t feel loved.
We are constantly on the alert, or forced to defend ourselves, or fenced off from everyone by an impenetrable wall. Our relationship is not developing. And most importantly, we cannot love someone unconditionally.
We unconsciously continue to wonder if we will continue to be loved – or will one day be abandoned? Do they love us just like that – or selfishly? Can you trust someone close to you or not? Feeling unsafe, we suffer and doubt instead of accepting and loving.
Why don’t we feel safe
A toxic environment, emotional or physical abuse, inconsistency in parental behavior (when the same action of a child could cause completely different reactions), neglect of our basic needs – there are a lot of reasons why we do not feel safe.
Many in childhood did not feel solid ground under their feet, but rather a shaky moving platform, and this could not but affect the perception of themselves, the subsequent choice of partners and a look at relationships.
Have you ever doubted the sincerity of declarations of love addressed to you? Did the annoying voice of the inner critic sound in your head, convincing you that no one really needs you? If so, chances are that your basic need for security was not met as a child.
Perhaps the fact is that your parents showed you their love irregularly or even loved you only under certain conditions (when you were a “good” boy or girl), and now you find it difficult to unconditionally trust your partner and generally trust people.
What to do?
There is a lot of talk around us about how important it is to trust a partner, not to be afraid to show him your vulnerability, and this is true. But for many this is not easy. How can we feel more confident and calm?
- Strive to establish a strong connection. Of course, passion and sex are extremely important in a relationship, but if this is all that connects you with a partner, you can’t build anything solid on such a foundation. Talk to your loved one, gradually open up and let him or her get closer. This will be the key to a long-term relationship.
- Create a safety space. Learn to open up, trust and support each other, to be each other’s safe haven in which to hide when something in life goes wrong. Be there all the time, day after day, no matter what happens.
- Respect each other. There are no ideal relationships: we all happen to lose our temper, say too much, make a scandal out of nothing. But even conflict can be an opportunity to bond if you learn to actively listen, talk openly about your feelings, and show empathy.
Do not ignore your loved one, do not withdraw into yourself. Respect each other’s feelings and point of view, even if right now you are looking in different directions. And, no matter what happens, do not make hasty decisions – give yourself and your partner time to cool down, think and make peace.
“We are together, we can do it, we will succeed” – these simple words help us feel safe. So say them often and be prepared to hear them back.